Second Ex-Wife

Annoyed

2010-08-03T10:07:00.003-04:00

Despite a raise and a few decent days, I fear a shake down is occurring. Unknown is if it is meant to weed out those who do a crappy job and hate being here or if it is to get rid of those who do their jobs and do them well, but cost too much money to keep. All I know for sure is that I am tired. Long days, longer nights and a growing worry in my stomach for what I know is coming quickly for the one I once loved. It is what it is, I suppose and he brought it upon himself.

Maybe it's just the dark clouds in the sky causing the dark clouds in my mind... or maybe I just should have stayed in bed this morning.

A new chapter

2010-06-01T00:33:00.002-04:00

I've always been a girl who was very into titles. I like rules. I like margin and discipline. I make lists about making lists. I thrive on knowing what my boundaries are and who is in charge. Titles allow me to know not only who you are, but what you are. In my just less than thirty years of life, I've had a multitude of titles to describe who and what I am.

As things have evolved, I find myself drifting further and further away from the person I was and for the first time, I don't really know who I am. But I think that's okay. I'm doing really well at work and I'm starting to pick up the pieces. I'm hanging out with new people and discovering things about myself I didn't realize before now. It's finding peace in turmoil...

I recently discovered that all the overtime I've been working has its benefits. In less than five months, I have racked up more than 40 hours of paid time off. I don't quite understand the calculator they use for compiling time, but I'm glad. There is a trip to Tennessee in the works. Tennessee will also be visiting in the near future. The conversations we've had over the last few months have peeled back a layer that was previously overlooked.

Painting at the house has been a long process. The living room is finished except for the trim. The staircase has one wall and trim to finish. The upstairs hasn't been touched. I've had trouble going into my oldest step-daughter's bedroom. I just can't quite bring myself to spend any amount of time in that room. It will take time, I think.

Started peeling up the tile in the bathroom. Trying to figure out what I'd like to do as far as the walls. The tile work was poorly done and it all has to come up. I painted the vanity and I am going to do some "antique applique" or some other such nonsense. All I know is it involves Mod Podge and sandpaper. It could get messy. Heh.

I got a good deal on laminate flooring. I've got about 900 square feet of floor to cover, excluding the bathroom, laundry room, staircase and upstairs. Both bathrooms will be tiled and the laundry room will likely stay as is for now until I figure out how I want to arrange the water heater/water softener/washer/dryer. I work so much... there just isn't a whole lot of time. I'm half tempted to take off a Friday and Monday on a weekend that I'm not scheduled to work, just so I can finish painting and get some other stuff done.

Helped my friend Kevin move this weekend. Have some funny pictures to post at a later time. Watching him and his boyfriend try to hammer numbers onto a post at their new house today was hilarious. They both tried to hold the hammer like a pen. It just was NOT working. I just stood back and giggled. And let me tell you, discussing lube and accidentally being groped by a gay man is an exceedingly strange situation to find oneself in.

As for the divorce, the paperwork was supposedly sent last week. How long it takes to get everything filed, I don't know. The sheriff was out at the house the other day. Apparently Paul had a warrant for his arrest. Sheriff said he was up to his old tricks again. It's pathetic that he just keeps doing the same crap all the time. He can't be an honest, considerate, caring man to save his life. He sends me ridiculous texts thinking its going to scare me or hurt me or whatever. I just shake my head. As horrible as he's been to me, I don't actually want him to spend the rest of his life in jail/prison, but I have no doubt that he will end up there. He's a sad, broken man.

It's been a strange year thus far. So many things have happened and yet, sometimes I feel like I'm standing still with everyone buzzing all around me and I can't move my feet. I get angsty and panicky at the thought that I can't move. I know I'm taking huge steps forward in getting my life together, but it feels like everything is in slow motion.

School starts in a couple of months. I am still half-tempting changing my major. Again. Work is going great. Things with the house are slow going, but getting there. I'm just dizzy. Important meeting on Friday. An ever growing list of friends to try to spend time with. A growing list of events to fill up my calendar. Life is... busy. I don't want to take anything for granted.

I've been talking to someone. Honestly, I am so NOT ready. I don't blame men for the cruel, stupid things Paul did... but on some level, he destroyed my ability to innocently trust someone without hesitation. Those who want to be in my life have to work so hard to earn my trust... the man who is crazy to take me on is going to have to work twice as hard to win my heart.

Too many thoughts and a very tired girl equals a rambling blog about nothing. I leave you with a quote.

"There is no future, there is no past. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today."

Holy crap! A blog post!

2010-04-11T21:54:00.003-04:00

I know, I know... I kinda fell off the face of the earth for a moment there. Life has just been really busy. Been working 45-50 hours a week and trying to work on my house. Paul handed over the keys on a Saturday and when I went in, I was surprised to find that the house wasn't completely trashed. Yes, it's dirty, but aside from him taking everything that wasn't nailed down (and several things that were), it's good to be back in my house. Joe and I are renovating. If you're a facebook friend, you've probably seen some pics.

This weekend I've been painting the bedroom. It's just about finished. I've got the bedding and all that good stuff to decorate it and make it pretty. It's gonna take a few months to get the floors put in. Getting the carpet ripped out won't take too long, but buying flooring is going to take a minute. I've decided to lay laminate in the kitchen, dining room, living room, hallway and bedroom. We're going to rip out the crappy floor Paul put in the bathroom and lay tile down, replace the shower and paint. Gonna paint the dining room and kitchen and make the house my own. I'm so excited!

Work has been going pretty well. I work crazy hours, but it's paying the bills. I enrolled at Ivy Tech for the fall to try to finish up my degree. It's gonna take about a year and a half and then I can go on to either Ball State or St. Mary of the Wood's. I have a date for my birthday. I'm moving forward and I'm doing really, really well. I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.

In other news, Paul was arrested a few weeks back. Twice, actually. All I can do is shake my head. He will end up back in prison and will waste the rest of his life. It's pathetic and sad, but he's doing it to himself. Something I've learned over the last few months is that a.) he wasn't the one and he didn't deserve me, b.) I can't save him and finally, that he is going to do what he does and it doesn't have to bother me anymore. I'm just so over it. Counting the days until the divorce is final and I'm free forever.

I just... don't feel anything for him anymore. It's strange to be five months into a separation and just be over it. There was a moment where I didn't think I'd ever get over him. Now I see him for what he is and I'm so glad to be free. His life is going downhill fast and he was taking me with him. I have a shot now to find true happiness. I am so thankful to be able to follow my dreams!

Also, I have a date for my birthday. It took a while to feel comfortable saying yes to being asked out... but I find myself being excited at the thought of meeting a good man. I'm just filled to the b brim with happiness. :)

So, that's what's been going on. Will try to blog more often. Keep an eye out for pics on facebook of the renovations!

2010-03-17T00:43:00.000-04:00

Garth Brooks
She's Gonna Make It

He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for

After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubt

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

And you know it's not like
she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's
survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane

And the craze thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won't ask

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

I Keep On Loving You

2010-02-26T19:42:00.003-05:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I promise. I've been posting little snippets of the book on facebook for anyone who is on my friends list... There's been so much going on, it's hard to find time to breathe, let alone sit down and write. I work a lot and when I'm not working, I'm trying to catch up with everything else. There just aren't enough hours in the day...

Court was yesterday. Unfortunately, it was just a preliminary hearing and we will stay married for the next 90 days. Paul has to give me possession of the house by the 11th and I get to keep the truck. Not a whole lot was resolved. I spent more time talking to Paul before the hearing than the hearing actually lasted. Paul and I have actually seen each other and had civil conversations a few times in the last couple of weeks.

I don't know. I'm worried. Because of all the crap he did with the business... all the debt... I had to file bankruptcy. That covers me for the lawsuits that are currently going on, however, Paul filed bankruptcy and had it finalized about 1-2 years ago... the judge said that me filing bankruptcy does not necessarily absolve him of any financial responsibility and suggested he file bankruptcy with me. None of us said anything to the judge about Paul already having filed.

I think about all the debt that there is and the lawsuits... if he's not covered with the bankruptcy, he's looking at hundreds of thousands of dollars. Part of me thinks he had it coming. I got my heart destroyed and he got his finances destroyed. I'll get over the broken heart, but he'll be cleaning this mess up for probably the rest of his life. I want to believe that everything is going to be okay, but I don't see how it could.

We took the elevator down 3 stories to the lobby of the courthouse. I nearly took the stairs, but I didn't know where the stairs would have taken me, so I went down the elevator with him. Standing there next to him, I desperately wanted to hug him. Just for the sake of feeling comforted... I didn't do it, though. What would have been the point? I realize that any kindness he shows me at this point is a plot to keep me from "sticking it to him". What really offends me about that notion is the knowledge that he probably genuinely thinks I'd be vindictive enough to try to destroy him. He should know me better than that by now... after everything we've been through.

We sat in the empty courtroom and I told him I wished nothing bad upon him and I meant it. I'm fearful for what will happen to Paul without me there to protect him. He makes such horrible decisions. He completely lives for the moment, which can be wildly romantic and fun, but there's no long range planning... he gets himself in over his head and then desperately tries to dig himself out. Right now I think there may be no one who can help him...

I heard a song the other night on the way back from work. I had to pull over... there's a part of me that will always love Paul. I wish things could have worked out differently, but he will never be a good man until he gets his head out of his butt and stars doing the right thing. It's so frustrating to watch, because I want to do something about it, but the reality is that I tried to help him for almost 3 years and he refused. I can't save him.

To watch his world crumble around him... and know that he doesn't see it... I dunno. I'm at a total loss.

I Keep On Loving You
Reba McEntire
Love takes the patience of Job, that's what my mama always said.
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the good book says.
You gotta play the cards you got, who knows what fate is holding?
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going.

That's why I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you.
Through the, "baby don't leave me's" and "never will again's"
And 'I promise to's", I keep on lovin' you.

Lord knows we've had our share of fights, our sleepless nights our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of, "baby, I'm gone's" and turnarounds.
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel.
Someday we're gonna look back and say look at us now.

That's why I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you.
Through the, "baby don't leave me's" and "never will again's"
And 'I promise to's", I keep on lovin' you.

Keep on lovin' you, through the, "I take it back's", "I didn't mean it like that's"
"I'd never hurt you's", Oh, I keep on lovin' you.

I keep on lovin' you. I keep on lovin' you.

Sitting across the table

2010-01-18T20:20:00.001-05:00

Sitting across the table from the boy the other night it struck me that someday I'm going to fall in love again. I admit, this little revelation brought a moment of panic. I've never been one to give my heart easily. Even Paul had to work for it.

As the days and weeks have turned into months, the love I had for Paul has faded. There will always be part of me that loves him, but as I see more and more who he really is, there is no love left in my heart. I can't love a man who does the things that he does and treats me so badly. Yes, Paul did a lot of hurtful, stupid things in our relationship, but they don't hold a candle to the depraved, heartless things he now does. Sometimes I find myself shaking my head, wondering how it all came to this.

What pains me the most is knowing that Paul is not, was not and never could be the one God designed for me to spend my life with. It's hard to say what first attracted me to Paul. There was something about him that made everything seem exciting... but it didn't last long and by the time I realized that he wasn't IT, it seemed too late to get out. I loved him with everything inside of me, but he wasn't the one.

For all the terrible, hurtful, hateful things he's done, it's been hard to forgive. Sometimes I want to shake him and make him SEE how awful he's behaving and make him realize that there is absolutely no sense to it. It's confusing to try to offer an olive branch and get venom in return. It's his way, though. That's how he's always been... he just never directed it at me. Now that he is, it's frustrating. I want to get through this crap so we can get the divorce final so that I never have to see him or think of him again.

I've been reading a lot lately. The book has been put on the back burner for a while now as I've picked up my Bible again. Every time I try to read, I find myself being pulled in the direction of passages about forgiveness. God is calling me to forgive Paul and I'm fighting it. Don't get me wrong, I realize that holding on to anger is only affecting me. It doesn't hurt Paul to know that I'm angry at him. There's got to be part of him that realizes that what he's doing is wrong... but it's not my place to point it out or force him to see it. If I'm being honest with myself, I never could convince him to choose to do the right thing. He's always done what he wanted with little concern to anyone else. I can't pretend that he's magically going to start being a good man just because I want him to be.

Forgiving him feels too much like letting him off the hook for all the grief he's caused. My head says that forgiving him frees ME and has little to do with him... but my heart isn't convinced. Forgiveness isn't for the other person... In time, Paul's sins will find him out and he will have to pay for the things he's done, not just to me... but it is not my place to designate punishment.

I spent a little time talking to the boy tonight and it prompted a few paragraphs for the book... sometimes I wonder if I'll ever finish it. There are so many layers and so many chapters yet to be written. This story isn't about Paul... I don't think I realized that until now. He makes up only a small portion of the story of my life... while his chapters are the more painful ones, he is not the beginning. Nor is he the end.

This is what I wrote this evening:

"Sitting alone in an empty church with hot tears on my cheeks, an unspoken prayer tugged at my heart. I knew what He was calling me to do, but I didn't want to do it. All I'd known for nearly three months was the grief and pain inside me. I had relived the nightmare day after day. I was scared that letting go would mean losing part of me all over again.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and plead for understanding. Why did God let this happen? Picking up my Bible, its pages worn and yellowed, I fought to make sense of what my life had become. The young girl who had written love letters to a husband she wouldn't meet for years to come had died the night her innocence was raped from her. The bitterness and pain had chased me like a shadow, swallowing me in its darkness.

The love I'd dreamed of for so long had never arrived. The knight on his valiant steed had never come to rescue me. I'd stood in front of a man I had given my heart to... and he wasn't the one God had intended for me. I'd placed my trust in Paul expecting him to save me when he couldn't even save himself.

In that moment, I realized I had a choice to make. I could hold on to my anger or I could hold on to hope. The love God had designed me to yearn for was out there, all I had to do was open my heart to healing that came only from forgiveness. The first person I found I had to forgive... was myself."

Silver strands and conversation

2010-01-13T02:32:00.002-05:00

I pocket dialed Stupid twice this morning while scraping my windows. HOW my phone a.) unlocked itself, b.) found HIS name and c.) dialed is beyond me. Just completely BEYOND. Had breakfast with a friend and chatted... and while we're sitting there, I noticed something shiny out of the corner of my eye on my shoulder. My hair was wavy from having been in pigtails last night after I got out of the shower...

So I grab a handful of hair and among all the strands of raven was a solitary strand of silver. My eyes got big and I yanked it the heck out. I haven't had much color in my hair since my car accident. I went a little silver for a while after that. And then a little after the rape. And then a little after the miscarriage last year, but they were always one or two... and didn't grow back. I'm blaming the stress of having been married to a man with no soul.

After breakfast, I went to get the boy and he drove me around for three hours while we talked and talked and TALKED about EVERYTHING. About what happened between us the other night, about love and exes and LIFE... I told him some things he didn't know and it felt good just to be with him again. I'd missed him...

He wants me to take the house when we go to court. I tried to explain to him that I could never live there again... most of my memories there are bad... the best times I had in that house didn't really involve Paul in the least... the house has been tainted by a disgusting man and his dirty whore. Frankly, if I moved back in, I'd have to get a roommate and I can't just live with someone... I think the boy just wants to have someone to hang out with sometimes. I don't know.

I know that right now I am exceedingly tired and there is much on my mind. The conversations put a lot of stuff in my head... and I need to decompress (and frantically search for more silver hair). :P

Goodnight, internet.

Unredeemed

2010-01-09T01:44:00.005-05:00

Unredeemed - Selah

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the Father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Stupid Boy

2010-01-08T04:46:00.002-05:00

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't.
Stupid boy, stupid boy.

So, what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around?
I guess to build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't.
You stupid boy.

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive.

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't.
You stupid boy, oh, the same old, same old stupid boy.

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone, long gone.

No regrets

2010-01-07T14:47:00.003-05:00

I have not fallen off the face of the earth (much to your dismay, I'm sure, Snugglepuff). I've been busy and trying to keep up with old friends. I'll be very glad when work begins so I can get on a more regular schedule. I will also be glad to have a steady income. I should be able to move in July/August into a cute little apartment near work.

This will be the first time I live alone in my entire life. I went from living with my parents to living with Paul. I suppose you could say I lived alone toward the end, since Paul was out with his whores and I was home alone trying to keep it all together. My best friend may move up here. If he does, then my 2-bedroom, 2-bath apartment will actually make sense. Heh.

I've started making a "wishlist" on Target. I'm going to have to buy a lot of kitchen stuff... since I left dishes and bowls and all that behind. I'm also getting a brand new bed. Who wants to sleep in a bed they shared with an ex? Not me! Besides, my parents will need it for a "guest room" when I move out again. It shouldn't take too long to save up enough money to get the necessities. I'm excited.

Slowed down a bit on the book. I started editing and condensing chapters and have since gotten pissed off at parts of it. It mostly stems from finally seeing how things really were and getting furious at myself for staying with a horrible man and being furious at Paul for being a dick for so long. Oh, well. I promise I'll get it out to those who wanted to read it as soon as I can.

Anyway, I've got some letters to write, so I'll catch you all on the flip side.

Happy New Years EVE!

2009-12-31T14:46:00.003-05:00

I have a 2009 THEME SONG! :) I'd forgotten this song existed, but listening to it just now... oh, yeah. This is TOTALLY my theme song. Heh. Yay for 2010!!!!!

She loved him like he was the last man on Earth
Gave hime everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down then come lovin' up to her
Give a little, then take it back

She'd tell him about her dreams, he'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin' you'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

One Sunday morning she didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom, found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly!

Stop, Please

2009-12-31T01:39:00.002-05:00

I am in a significant amount of pain right now. I've been hurting for about 3-4 days now. At first I though it was just a kidney stone... but right now I'm fairly convinced I either have appendicitis or a cyst/tumor on my ovary. I can't cough, deeply breathe, walk, move or stand without a deep, sharp pain low on the right side of my abdomen. I'd lean more toward the ovary issue. Bleh. I pushed on the area really hard earlier to see what would happen and when I came to, I decided i'd never do that again. Oy. Right now I'm slightly concerned over the fact that I've developed a fever. :(

I am looking forward to the new year... but mostly, I'm looking forward to February. I am so anxious to get all this garbage over with and finally get Paul OUT f my life forever. Once the divorce is final, I can change my phone number and can do whatever I want without any concern about whether or not he has to be notified. It was kind of sad to realize that I'm not in love with him anymore, but it was also freeing.

Been spending lots of time with friends and with my buddy... I'm trying to be very careful with my emotions, but I admit, I think about this one particular person a little more than I should. My heart is safely hidden behind a massive amount of concrete and steel, but is still a portion of me that remembers how great it feels to let your heart get carried away. The fear of having a repeat of Paul is all I need to bring me back to earth. I NEVER want to be with someone like Paul ever again. EVER.

I was offered a job in Wichita. I talked to this particular person (forevermore referred to as "buddy") about the job and he said if I felt like I should take it, I should go... he basically gave me his blessing. I know he just wants to see me happy. He was there for me since before I moved out and has listened to me vent and sat with me when I cried... there are days when I think I surely would have tracked Paul down and beat the snot out of him if not for this guy telling me that Paul wasn't worth a second thought.

I don't know how serious my thoughts are on Wichita. For the most part, I really feel like I need to wait until the divorce is final. I can't go to another state while my ex-husband and his shemale slut are living in MY house. Until they're out or he forks over $71,000, I don't feel comfortable just leaving them to their own devices on MY property. Plus I don't want to have to come all the way back to Indiana for the divorce hearing just to have Paul have it postponed again.

Anyway, I'm having trouble sitting up at this point. Pain's getting worse. :( Gonna try to sleep and hope the pain just goes away. If not, I'll be spending New Year's Eve in the ER. :(

Hmm...

2009-12-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

Went bowling the other night with some friends. It would be safe to say that I absolutely suck at it. Heh. I haven't been bowling since last New Years Eve. It was good to get out though. I'm shocked at the amount of old friends who have suddenly reappeared in my life. It's like deja vu... I guess I didn't realize how many people got pushed aside for Paul.

Anxious for the divorce date. I am so ready to have him OUT of my life for good! Ready to get him and his ho out of my house and get it deloused. ;) I'm gonna throw a "freedom party" and invite everyone. I'm so excited! :) It's a far cry from how I was a month and a half ago... I guess through the process of unpacking the last two and a half years in my mind, I've stopped being in denial about who/what Paul was. Yeah, it hurt a lot to admit, but I feel free... there are so many things I wouldn't have been able to do if I'd stayed with him and frankly, he's on a very dangerous path right now. This is the best for me.

I'm supposed to go to Tennessee on or around January 5th and then to see Ielber, Ferber and Rewber sometime toward the end of January... and then the 25th I start the new job! :) I hope to get everything situated so that I can move out around June/July. I'm gonna need a roommate... hoping my best friend moves up this way. If not, I'm contemplating asking my buddy... but I dunno... it could be weird... especially after the smooch that occurred the other day. Oh, man. That kinda knocked my socks off. Wasn't expecting it. Not ready for that kind of stuff yet. Ha.

Anyway, just wanted to update so ya'll knew I was still kicking. :) For Caitlin, I'll be sending you the pages here in a few days... I've condensed chapters and added some stuff... for Rachel, if you want to read, I'll need your email address. Jennifer, I'll forward the whole thing to you, too. :)

Peace be with you. LOL

"...Who's gonna love you when it all falls down?
And who's gonna love you when your bankroll runs out?
Who's gonna care when the novelty's over?
When the star of the show isn't you anymore?
Nobody!

Your pain is so deep rooted,
What will your life become?
Sure, you hide it, but you're lost and lonesome.
Still just a frail, shook one.

I guess your momma never told you
That what goes around comes back around. Pow!.."

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T00:41:00.002-05:00

Today was pretty great. My uncles, aunts and cousins were over for Christmas Eve dinner which turned into Christmas Even Wii Fit competitions. LOL Watching my Aunt Brenda and Aunt Joy on the Wii Fit board was hilarious. Watching my cousin Ryan try to hula hoop was even funnier. Heh. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. :)

I'm trucking right along with my book. I'm over 100 pages in. Anyone who wants to proofread or whatever, drop me an email at shannonmoore82 at gmail dot com so I can send you the word document. Heh.

I am SO desperate to write about the crap that's REALLY been going on... all the juicy tidbits, but I'm not quite so willing to put all THAT out for public consumption... so... hmm... maybe an anonymous blog? Ohhh, that sounds like an excellent project!!!! Yay!

Think you'll find me? ;) I'm gonna write what happened last night... the real story. LOL

Oh, I have the giggles now. Lordy.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! :)

Happy

2009-12-23T23:05:00.003-05:00

I had a really great day today. :) Today started out with a sweet email from a friend. I got up and went to town and checked my mailbox at the post office and had a letter from another friend. After that, I met an old high school friend for coffee in town and had a lovely chat about life, work, love... it was good to have some "girl talk". :)

When I got home, I talked with my best friend for an hour or so while I got ready to go visit my buddy. I got myself all dolled up and headed to Hartford and spent a few hours with him and giggled and had lot of fun.

It was just so good to get out and to not feel guilty for having friends or spending time with people who make me laugh and smile... When I got home tonight, I dished with two good friends and a cousin-in-law and it was exciting to just... be alive. For so long, I've lived under someone's thumb. I'm so happy to just be free... to be able to laugh and play and sit in the presence of another man without worrying that I'm going to go home and get psychologically tortured for it.

I can have friends of any gender and see them whenever I want and I don't have to feel guilty or be made to feel guilty! It's great! :)

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve and I'm ready to see some family and sit around and reminisce. I've got so much to look forward to! Karaoke with good friends... a trip to Tennessee the first week of January... hanging out with my buddy... all kinds of great things including A JOB! I start on the 25th of January! :)

And the date for the divorce is February 25th and I'll be free of the psycho I married! I'm so excited for that!!! :) My whole life is in front of me and there's nothing holding me back. :) Today has been a wonderful day and I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow. :)

2009-12-21T11:55:00.001-05:00

I got the job!

Getting busy

2009-12-20T00:20:00.002-05:00

Life's been getting busier. Tomorrow is the "family Christmas dinner" thing with my brother and sister and parents. My friend is coming over to help me remove the decals from my truck and he's gonna stay for dinner. We may go to a movie after, not sure.

Monday I have a job interview. I'm crazy nervous! I haven't been on a job interview since 2004! I'm excited that I may be getting a decent job, though. My best friend may be moving up here from Texas and we will get an apartment together in Muncie once the house is foreclosed on. Everything is falling into place.

I didn't want to stay in Indiana, but I can't pass up a job that offers health insurance on top of a decent wage plus other benefits. I'm hoping to squirrel away most of the money and start over someplace far away in 2011. That would be awesome. :)

I've been talking to a guy... just about life and stuff. It's not what you think. so please don't jump all over me. :P I'm not looking for a relationship... just friends. Some of the people who have been coming into my life lately seem to be male, but I was usually friends with guys to begin with--my best friend is a guy...

Another friend (a girl) is taking me karaoking soon. :) I'm so excited! I'm making some of my other friends come, too. It's gonna be so fun! I haven't been to sing karaoke in... 5-6 years? Man, I always wanted to go, but I had a husband on parole. LOL It's funny to say that.

I have no idea what I'm gonna sing. There are a few possibilities. She suggested, "Before He Cheats", but I'm not sure. I'm not really a vindictive person, so that doesn't really suit me. I don't have to be vindictive with Paul. He creates his own misery. LOL

Heard an acoustic country version of Journey's "Faithfully" and I LOVED IT. I've been getting into new music lately. I've been writing a bit lately, too. I haven't written songs in probably 8 years or more. I'd start a song now and then and I'd end up trashing them. As for the book I've been writing... I'm about 100 pages in. It's hard to believe there's that much story to the story. I just now got to the part where we eloped. *shakes head*

I can't say we didn't have an interesting run. A lot of it sucked butt. However, it was interesting. For any of you who've gotten chapters from me over the last few weeks, I've rewritten some of it and meshed some chapters together. If you're interested in reading it now, it'll have to be sent in a Word document. My e-mail eats some of the chapters and funks up the format. Heh.

I need a ghostwriter or an editor or something. I've never claimed to be a decent writer and more often than not I write like I speak... and it's often full of tangents. We'll see. All interested parties, drop a comment and I'll send you some words. Heh.

Anyway, I need to get to bed. I have to run get the boy tomorrow and bring him back over here since his car got repo'd. LOL Wish me luck on my job interview! :)

Falling out of love

2009-12-17T00:48:00.003-05:00

Falling - The Civil Wars

Haven't you seen me sleep walking
Cause I've been holding your hand
Haven't you noticed me drifting
Oh, let me tell you I am

Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh, let me tell you I am

Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you

Why I am feeling so guilty
Why I am holding my breath
Worry about everyone but me
I just keep losing myself

Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you I am

Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you

Oh, won't you read my mind
Don't you make me like you
I hear
Please, Please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you

Making plans

2009-12-16T00:58:00.002-05:00

I've been making plans. A friend is helping me get a job where she works and I'm making a budget to try to sustain myself for the next six months. My best friend is being harassed daily to move from Texas to Indiana and so far has not said no and actually seems open to the idea. The thought of starting this new chapter is scary, but also kind of exciting.

I have an open invitation to visit a friend in Tennessee and I'll be visiting a friend in Michigan in January (so I can spoil her kid rotten!) :) I hope to save up enough money to upgrade my vehicle. I don't know which vehicle the judge will give me in the divorce, so until I'm sure, I'm not picking out any specific type. I'll drive what I'm given until I can afford and upgrade.

Past that, I plan on finally getting on the budget I've always wanted to be on and really save money the way I'd planned. Nothing is holding me back from doing it now. It hurts that I'll only have one income, but there will be one less person spending money, which will help.

I had a friend offer to set me up with someone and I turned them down. Heh. I'm not ready for any of that. Even after the divorce is final... there's a lot of healing to do before I'm ready to get involved with someone. That being said, if God put someone in my life, I'm not going to close my heart to the idea. Who knows what will happen?

Another friend is going to take me to sing karaoke here in a few weeks. That should be interesting. :) I haven't sang karaoke (or in public) for a while... I'm convincing a guy friend of mine to come with me. He thinks I'm gonna make a jerk of myself and doesn't want to miss it. :P

I've also decided to get a tattoo... to remember the babies. I plan on getting tiny footprints with wings and March 2009/December 2009 under it. Not sure where I'm putting it. Thought about my wrist, but then if someone saw it... I don't know I'd want to explain. Dunno.

Anyway... the possibility of being busy is good. Being with friends is good. Being able to be with friends without getting a guilt trip is better. Things are gonna work out. Eventually.

Love lives on

2009-12-15T14:13:00.002-05:00

I have had the same song on repeat for weeks now. There's something about it that perfectly describes the intense pain I've been working through. I grieve for my husband as though he had died. The extreme personality shift that occurred with Paul turned him into someone I didn't know. It was gradual at first and then all of a sudden, he was this totally different person. Little pieces of the old Paul would show up now and then, but as quickly as they appeared, they'd go away again.

I miss him. I've missed him for so long. In writing the book... I've remembered the man he used to be and as painful as it is to remember, it's something I never want to forget. I was so in love with that man. He was the love of my life. He was good to me and treated me like I was his to lose. In writing, the change has become more clear. I'm having to face the bad times... the ones I was too ashamed to write about in blogs... and I see more now than ever that he did change. And it happened a lot quicker than I thought.

Every time I have to see him now, I get sick. It's my Paul's body, but that's not my Paul. My Paul left a very long time ago and he's never coming back. How do you get over losing your partner? I thought our love was fireproof... until we found ourselves in a fire and he let go of my hand. He left me there to fend for myself. It didn't happen when we got married. It didn't happen in the last six months... I lost my Paul after we'd been together less than a year.

It was easy for him to do the right thing when life was easy... but when things got difficult, it was more than he could handle and he went back to his old ways. Slowly his mind shifted and he went from seeing things for how they really were... to whatever warped perception he now has. This guy that he is now is a ticking time bomb. I'm getting out before he explodes... but that doesn't really protect me.

I want to be angry at God for putting him in my life to begin with. It was a total fluke that we even met. There has to be a purpose behind it... it wasn't an accident. But surely God wouldn't have put Paul in my life to break my heart and destroy my dreams, right? What was the purpose? What was the point of all this? It's so hard to be thankful... even for the good times we had together. It's hard to be thankful for knowing the good Paul that I did... because it hurts so much that he's gone now. Especially considering what he was replaced with.

I just wish all of this made more sense. I wish it were more black and white. But most of all, I wish I would stop grieving for the man I lost and stop looking for him in the man he has become.

Maybe the miscarriage is finally taking it's toll on me. I only really cried when it happened and when I told Paul. His reaction tore me up pretty bad. It's been so sporadic. One minute I'm fine and the next minute... I think about the little babies that I've lost and all I want is to be with them. I've lost so much this year... it's almost too much to bear.

"I reached for you this morning,
Woke up with empty arms
Once again, it's sinking in
How far away you are
I still pour two cups of coffee
And tell you all about my dreams.
This kitchen's way too quiet,
You should still be here with me.

And even though I cry like crazy
Even it hurts so bad
I'm thankful for the time God gave me
Even through we couldn't make it last
I'm learning how to live without you
Even though I don't want to.
And even with you gone
Love lives on."

Feeling down

2009-12-13T13:37:00.002-05:00

If the first baby had been carried to term, I would now be the proud mother of a two or three month old. Probably would have had them around the time of my wedding anniversary. Maybe it is for good that they were never born so that they wouldn't have to get dragged into a custody battle. I don't think Paul would have fought me much. He was never father of the year with his other two and hardly paid support. As much as he wants to try to pin the blame for any of that on me or anyone else, that was 100% HIM.

I am increasingly becoming more anxious at the thought of finally being free from Paul. It cannot happen soon enough. I do not want to be his wife. I don't want to have any part in his life. He's running a thousand miles an hour in the wrong direction and I absolutely NOTHING to do with that. Do I feel badly for him? Yeah, I guess a part of me does. He was my husband and the father of my children that I lost... he isn't just some stranger off the street. That being said, the man I fell in love with and wanted to spend my life with disappeared long ago. So when I think about him being in danger or getting himself in trouble, I'm less apt to feel sorry for him, simply because he's done these things to himself.

When court is finished, I plan on moving back into the house for a while. I don't plan on moving everything. In reality, I'm not moving all that much. I just need the space for a while. I'm going to see about having a friend move in with me for a while. I will probably leave 90% of my things at my parents, but I need to have a little space. The house will eventually be repossessed and when it is, I'll obviously have to move out. The job I'm trying to get is in Muncie and really, either place is close enough that it isn't a horrible burden.

Mostly it's a waiting game. I got the court date with Paul's paperwork. He says he hasn't got my petition yet, but I filed before he did, so I don't know what the hold up would be. The court date is being changed, so I'm hoping to get in sooner. The sooner I can get this man out of my house and out of my life, the better. After everything is said and done, I plan on changing my phone number, changing my last name and moving on with my life.

I've talked a lot with friends about the possibility of ever finding love again... and what I have to say about all that is that what I had... if I'm being completely honest with myself... started out as lust. It turned into love, yes, but in the beginning, it was just lust. When things cooled down and we moved in, I truly fell in love with the man Paul was. It was then I saw him for what he was (then, that is). I think I started falling out of love shortly after we got married. I realized when he had written all those bad checks that he wasn't who I thought he was and he was slipping back into his old ways. It was a turning point for me. Sadly, I couldn't walk away. I took marriage too seriously to throw it all away. Until I found out he was cheating and had been cheating for some time, I think I was willing to stay and get therapy and counseling, even though in my heart I didn't know if he was worth it.

The though of having to go through this mess again makes me tired. I NEVER want to go through this again. Fortunately, I think Paul may be a one in a million kind of freak and I might not have much to worry about. Ha. I think the list of requirements I once had really weren't that far off the mark. That's really who I'd like to end up with:

Hasn't been in prison.
Doesn't lie.
Doesn't have kids.
Hasn't slept with more people than fingers on one hand.
Is a Christian.
Doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol.
Doesn't gamble or have harmful addictions.
Loves me like crazy, without BEING crazy.
Doesn't hit, cheat, steal, lie or abuse.
Accepts me for me.

It's not a long list and it's not an unreasonable list. I think it's certainly possible. I know a lot of guys in my age category are likely to have children. My only reason for not necessarily wanting a man who has them is because I realize how difficult it is to have a crazy ex-wife or baby mama who causes nothing but drama. I've been the step-mother and had my husband's insane ex-wife cause all kinds of issues, just because she didn't want another woman raising her kids. I'm not interested in all that. Drama is better left for TV. I don't want it in my life!

The easier answer to all this is that I'm not looking. If God puts the right man in my life... I pray that my eyes are open enough to see it. I leave the thought of love and marriage in the hands of the One who should have been in control of it to begin with. Maybe Paul never would have happened if I had listened to the still small voice in my head that told me he was a bad idea. I'll never know. But what I do know is that I hope to never again find myself in the arms of a manipulative, lying, cheating, abusive addict. Those days are over and I am not looking back.

Muddling Through

2009-12-12T00:34:00.002-05:00

Tonight's been back and forth. Spent a few hours talking with a good friend and laughing pretty hard... and then spent an hour unable to get comfortable from the cramping. Even now... the ache sucks. The first time was hard enough, but at least then, I had Paul nearby. Close enough that I could get him to hold me for a little bit. It's hard to be here alone, dealing with this.

I miss Paul. Not the current douchebag version, but the guy I met who would kick this guy's ass for how he's treated me. I miss the man who held me while I slept. the man that made up ridiculous expressions just to make me laugh. I miss the guy who took me the movies and let me cop a feel. I miss the guy who would drive me to a deserted place and make me crazy. I miss laughing with him and hanging out. I miss the guy who was my friend.

My Paul disappeared a long time ago. Shortly before we got married, something shifted. All the while he was writing bad checks to go gamble... he was drifting back into his old ways. We were doing so well and he threw it all away. He loved gambling more than he loved me. His addiction and his lies will destroy him. They already have. They took a good man and turned him into this sad, son of a bitch who screwed so many people over... who cheated on his wife... who was cruel and mean just because he could be.

For half a second tonight, I wondered what I'd do if he somehow he reappeared. I think I'd hug him tight and kiss him and turn around and walk away. He'll never understand what he's done. I think he's gone so manic at this point, he's convinced himself that he truly doesn't care. He still blames everyone else for the things that HE has done.

I wasn't innocent in all this. I made mistakes, too. But I didn't deserve this. After I lost the baby in March... I slipped into a depression that I never fully came out of. It just got worst as Paul got worse. As the lies snowballed into all these horrible truths... it just got deeper and deeper. Many of the events that occurred over the last nine months, I think Paul would probably deny ever happened. Maybe there's a part of him that is ashamed of what he did and he's trying to block it out. Maybe that's just me trying to humanize him.

Tonight, I don't think I'd care much which version of Paul it was... I just don't want to be alone dealing with this. Friends are great and I'm so thankful for them, but I need my husband back if just for one night to hold me again. In a year's time, I've lost two babies, one husband, a home, a business, an income and my entire identity. When am I going to stop losing things? I just can't do this right now. I can't deal with this.

I was getting through the divorce, actually relieved to be done with Paul... with this stupid, lying piece of crap he's become... this is the last thing I wanted to deal with. And I have to do it alone. I just don't understand. Why is all of this happening? Why did the good man I knew go away? Everyone keeps telling me he never existed and that's almost worse to think about. Because if he didn't really exist... then I'm just an idiot for believing his lies.

I can't fucking breathe. I'm just so pissed off at everything.

Giving up

2009-12-11T17:22:00.003-05:00

I started bleeding. I feel like shit. Paul's being an asshole just because he can. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of him getting away with treating people like crap. Someday he'll get what's coming to him, but someday isn't coming soon enough. When he ends up back in prison, I won't so much as write him a letter. Dude doesn't deserve shit. He's lower than scum.

Trying to breathe

2009-12-11T00:46:00.002-05:00

Had a pretty bad panic attack tonight. Still trying to calm myself down. There's a lot of crap all built up in my head. So much stress. I'm so worried about Zoey... and Paul. I'm freaking out about having money for Christmas... about having money to pay bills... I'm worried about what's going to happen with all this business crap and the bankruptcy.

A friend of mine said she could help me get a job where I'd have insurance and actually make decent money. I'm going to take her up on the offer. It means I have to stay in Indiana a little longer than I'd wanted. If I stay for another year, I may be able to get all the medical crap taken care of. I'll be able to pay my bills and save up some money.

I'm going to visit a friend in Tennessee in a week or two. I have to get away. I have to go someplace if just for a a few nights... to get all this garbage out of my head. I wish I could say more... but I can't.

I keep working on the book. I'm getting to some hard parts and I find myself getting angry. I don't cry much anymore... but I just get so pissed at Paul for the stupid, heartless, idiotic crap he did. I'm furious that I held on for so long while he ruined his life and mine. Some of me wants to hate him, but I just can't bring myself to care enough about him to hate him.

Why do I panic? Because I was 100% committed to a life that didn't exist. It was all an illusion created by a crazy, hateful, heartless man. And I loved him. I dedicated my life to him. And it ended and I didn't see it coming. I knew I wasn't happy and that I wanted him to stop being a dick, but I never would have dreamed he'd do the horrible things he's done.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing.

Baby Girl

2009-12-09T22:05:00.004-05:00

With a heavy heart, I request prayer tonight for Zoey, Paul's youngest daughter. Paul told me that she is going in for tests on Friday and that they think she may have cancer. She's six-years-old. She just started kindergarten this year. She has her whole life in front of her. Please pray that God moves in her life and gives the doctors knowledge to help her. Also pray that God moves in Paul's life... to get him on a better path.

She was my daughter, too. This little girl used to tell me, "Shannon Moore! You're going to be my mom!" I'd go upstairs and read her just one more story... and then sing her to sleep. I'd rub her back and sit on her bed and sing... But then our family broke apart. Our family ended. Where does the love go? I'm heartbroken.

I tell you hopeless grief is passionless,
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God's throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness
In souls, as countries, lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy dead in silence like to death—
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet;
If it could weep, it could arise and go.

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Texting

2009-12-09T00:58:00.002-05:00

Spent about 2 hours texting with a friend tonight. We've known each other for almost a year now. He worked for Paul and I. Paul had me pretty convinced that he was only using me to keep his job and wasn't really my friend. Well, as it stands right now, there's nothing I can do for him and he's still around. We've been through similar things with our spouses. His wife cheated on him with multiple men. We've talked a bit about the crap we've gone through. It's been nice to have someone to talk to whose been in my shoes.

I wish I didn't think about Paul every day. Right now I'm stuck because I have to deal with him in some form until the divorce is final. Unless he ends up in jail before then. The thoughts I have about Paul aren't warm and fuzzy by any means. This man is cruel, cold-hearted and has treated me like garbage for the better part of our relationship. It wasn't all bad by any means, but there were certainly more bad times than good.

What's so sad is that all of it was preventable. Paul didn't have to cheat. He didn't have to lie. He didn't have to gamble and be completely irresponsible. Those were all CHOICES. He CHOSE to be a lying, cheating, piece of shit. He CHOSE that. He thinks he's changed, but he's fooling himself. He's still doing the same crap and will continue to do so probably until he's behind bars. It's such a waste.

Texting tonight, I felt like maybe there's a little hope out there for me. I'm not implying something between me and text-boy, it's not like that at ALL. I'm just saying that I feel like there's hope that someday I'll meet a GOOD man who isn't so self-centered that he throws the people who love him under the bus to serve his own needs. I'll meet a man who LOVES me and cherishes me. We'll have the wedding I always dreamed of. I'll wear the big fluffy dress and stand before our family and friends and make that covenant vow.

Yes, I made those vows to another man... but he broke his promise and he threw his vows away. He spat in God's face and mine. His sins will find him out and me... I'll move on and God will heal my heart and let it love again. And I'll love him wholly and completely and without fear. Paul taught me a lot about myself... and a lot about what I don't want in a partner.

Someone asked me if I'd ever take Paul back. The answer is NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. It's going to take a lifetime for Paul to get to the place he needs to be. I have no doubt he'll harm others and inflict pain on innocent people for many years to come. He'll live in his self-made world of lies, deception and stupidity until he finds himself face down on the floor. He'll lose everything he has. Everything he touches will fail until he does right by the people he's harmed. He doesn't see it and right now he doesn't care. But someday he will.

Life is a big, scary thing and it's way too short to let people in your life who don't deserve to be there. Paul didn't deserve me. He got lucky when he met me. He'll regret the things he's done someday and it's too late to turn back. That's something he'll have to live with. Someday he'll look me up and he'll apologize for the hell he put me through. He'll acknowledge the things he's done and he'll stop hiding. Someday.

Until then, I'll go on living and make an amazing life for myself. Not for Paul. Not for some future mystery man. But for myself. I haven't lived for myself in a long time. Now is the time to begin.

Profile of the Sociopath

2009-12-08T01:21:00.002-05:00

Taken from http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

Profile of the Sociopath

This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them

Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

Authoritarian

Secretive

Paranoid

Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired

Conventional appearance

Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)

Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life

Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)

Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim

Incapable of real human attachment to another

Unable to feel remorse or guilt

Extreme narcissism and grandiose

May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

THE PSYCHOPATH NEXT DOOR (Source: http://chericola57.tripod.com/infinite.html)

Psychopath. We hear the word and images of Bernardo, Manson and Dahmer pop into our heads; no doubt Ted Bundy too. But they're the bottom of the barrel -- most of the two million psychopaths in North America aren't murderers. They're our friends, lovers and co-workers. They're outgoing and persuasive, dazzling you with charm and flattery. Often you aren't even aware they've taken you for a ride -- until it's too late.

Psychopaths exhibit a Jekyll and Hyde personality. "They play a part so they can get what they want," says Dr. Sheila Willson, a Toronto psychologist who has helped victims of psychopaths. The guy who showers a woman with excessive attention is much more capable of getting her to lend him money, and to put up with him when he strays. The new employee who gains her co-workers' trust has more access to their checkbooks. And so on. Psychopaths have no conscience and their only goal is self-gratification. Many of us have been their victims -- at work, through friendships or relationships -- and not one of us can say, "a psychopath could never fool me."

Think you can spot one? Think again. In general, psychopaths aren't the product of broken homes or the casualties of a materialistic society. Rather they come from all walks of life and there is little evidence that their upbringing affects them. Elements of a psychopath's personality first become evident at a very early age, due to biological or genetic factors. Explains Michael Seto, a psychologist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental health in Toronto, by the time that a person hits their late teens, the disorder is almost certainly permanent. Although many clinicians use the terms psychopath and sociopath interchangeably, writes psychopath expert Robert Hare on his book 'Without Conscience', a sociopath's criminal behavior is shaped by social forces and is the result of a dysfunctional environment.

Psychopaths have only a shallow range of emotions and lack guilt, says Hare. They often see themselves as victims, and lack remorse or the ability to empathize with others. "Psychopaths play on the fact that most of us are trusting and forgiving people," adds Seto. The warning signs are always there; it's just difficult to see them because once we trust someone, the friendship becomes a blinder.

Even lovers get taken for a ride by psychopaths. For a psychopath, a romantic relationship is just another opportunity to find a trusting partner who will buy into the lies. It's primarily why a psychopath rarely stays in a relationship for the long term, and often is involved with three or four partners at once, says Willson. To a psychopath, everything about a relationship is a game. Willson refers to the movie 'Sliding Doors' to illustrate her point. In the film, the main character comes home early after just having been fired from her job. Only moments ago, her boyfriend has let another woman out the front door. But in a matter of minutes he is the attentive and concerned boyfriend, taking her out to dinner and devoting the entire night to comforting her. All the while he's planning to leave the next day on a trip with the other woman.

The boyfriend displays typical psychopathic characteristics because he falsely displays deep emotion toward the relationship, says Willson. In reality, he's less concerned with his girlfriend's depression than with making sure she's clueless about the other woman's existence. In the romance department, psychopaths have an ability to gain your affection quickly, disarming you with words, intriguing you with grandiose plans. If they cheat you'll forgive them, and one day when they've gone too far, they'll leave you with a broken heart (and an empty wallet). By then they'll have a new player for their game.

The problem with their game is that we don't often play by their rules. Where we might occasionally tell a white lie, a psychopath's lying is compulsive. Most of us experience some degree of guilt about lying, preventing us from exhibiting such behavior on a regular basis. "Psychopaths don't discriminate who it is they lie to or cheat," says Seto. "There's no distinction between friend, family and sucker."

No one wants to be the sucker, so how do we prevent ourselves from becoming close friends or getting into a relationship with a psychopath? It's really almost impossible, say Seto and Willson. Unfortunately, laments Seto, one way is to become more suspicious and less trusting of others. Our tendency is to forgive when we catch a loved one in a lie. "Psychopaths play on this fact," he says. "However, I'm certainly not advocating a world where if someone lies once or twice, you never speak to them again." What you can do is look at how often someone lies and how they react when caught. Psychopaths will lie over and over again, and where other people would sincerely apologize, a psychopath may apologize but won't stop.

Psychopaths also tend to switch jobs as frequently as they switch partners, mainly because they don't have the qualities to maintain a job for the long haul. Their performance is generally erratic, with chronic absences, misuse of company resources and failed commitments. Often they aren't even qualified for the job and use fake credentials to get it. Seto talks of a patient who would get marketing jobs based on his image; he was a presentable and charming man who layered his conversations with educational and occupational references. But it became evident that the man hadn't a clue what he was talking about, and was unable to hold down a job.

Taken in part from MW -- By Caroline Konrad -- September 1999

THE MALIGNANT PERSONALITY:

These people are mentally ill and extremely dangerous! The following precautions will help to protect you from the destructive acts of which they are capable.

First, to recognize them, keep the following guidelines in mind.

(1) They are habitual liars. They seem incapable of either knowing or telling the truth about anything.

(2) They are egotistical to the point of narcissism. They really believe they are set apart from the rest of humanity by some special grace.

(3) They scapegoat; they are incapable of either having the insight or willingness to accept responsibility for anything they do. Whatever the problem, it is always someone else's fault.

(4) They are remorselessly vindictive when thwarted or exposed.

(5) Genuine religious, moral, or other values play no part in their lives. They have no empathy for others and are capable of violence. Under older psychological terminology, they fall into the category of psychopath or sociopath, but unlike the typical psychopath, their behavior is masked by a superficial social facade.

Wounded

2009-12-07T18:58:00.002-05:00

In a blog style swiped from FerBer, I present Up & Down:

Up: I'm alive.

Down: I have intense lower back pain that makes me want to die. Dunno if it was caused from moving six pieces of heavy furniture all by myself or if it has to do with the cramps and other ouchie-type things going on.

Up: It snowed last night.

Down: It snowed last night.

Up: I'm going to apply for a job with the census bureau. It's temporary, but the pay is good. Maybe it will get me by for a few months until I find a nanny job.

Down: Paul seems to have decided he isn't giving me any more money to cover the financial obligations he promised to take care of. I'm not surprised, but I really hoped he wouldn't let me down... again.

Up: Long talks with old friends.

Down: Long talks with lawyers.

Down: Endless paperwork.

Up: I'm eligible for a new phone with Verizon. Mine has just about pooped out, so this is a very good thing.

Lots more going on... but little I can actually talk about. Oy. I'll be glad when things are finally over and I don't have to deal with the drama anymore.

My Last Goodbye

2009-12-05T16:39:00.002-05:00

Wishes - Superchick

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want, we could have been everything
But now we're not, now it's not anything at all

The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream I built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish I didn't have these doubts
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish I didn't know inside that it won't work out for you and I
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

After all the things you put me through
Tell me why I'm still in love with you
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call
You broke my heart, I'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life I gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish I didn't have these doubts
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish I didn't know inside that it won't work out for you and I
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time I said my last goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
It's time I said my last goodbye

I wish we could have worked it out
I wish I didn't have these doubts
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish I didn't know inside that it won't work out for you and I
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye

It's time I said my last goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye
It's time I said my last goodbye

Babysitting

2009-12-04T02:15:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting at my brother & sister-in-law's house. My brother had surgery today for a hernia or something with his stomach, I'm not sure. Anyway, he has not been able to urinate, so my sister-in-law took him to the ER. I got a call a few hours ago and rushed over to be with Molly. She's asleep, of course. I ask that you remember my brother, Dave, if your prayers.

I've sent the first few chapters of the book I'm writing to some friends. We'll see if they hate it. Heh. I emailed Paul and asked him for some info, but he has yet to email me back. I kind of figure he won't. At that point, I guess I get to take creative liberties, right? Just kidding.

Writing about everything has been very cathartic. I will never understand why Paul pretended to be someone he wasn't for over a year and why he MARRIED me knowing he would never be able to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities that come with being a husband. I will never understand why he has told lie after lie and put himself and the one person on the planet who was willing to put up with him--even when he was tearing her apart--in harm's way. I will never understand why he decided to cheat. Why he told people we were separated and divorcing BEFORE HE TOLD ME! I'll never understand.

What I do understand is that I loved that stupid man for the last two and a half years. I loved him enough to overlook every mean, hurtful, manipulative thing he did and hope with all my might that he'd stop and be the man I met. I loved him so much that I stayed when I felt like I'd done all that I could do. I'd pack my bags and he'd beg me to stay. It was all a game to him.

Writing about how we met and the dates and events that happened after have caused me to see a lot of things I didn't see at the time. Talking with friends and family about the person I was and the person I am now... it's really a wake-up call. Yes, there is still a part of me that sometimes hopes that he'll call and it'll be the old Paul. But that tiny, dying breath is ever fading. I deserved so much better than he was willing to give. He didn't deserve the love I gave him and he'll have to live with the fact that he threw it away.

He may not see it now... but someday he'll regret what he's done. I don't foresee him regretting it any time in the near future... but someday. Life has a way of catching up with us and making us wiser. Paul will have that a-ha moment and his whole life will flash before his eyes and he'll have to take responsibility for his actions. The wave is already in motion. God is moving in that man's life, whether he realizes it or not.

Sometimes God lets us get just about to the end of our rope before He reels us back in. Paul's dangling on the cusp and if he doesn't reach for something solid, he's going to fall. Maybe that's what he needs. I can't help but see him a year down the line. I see myself getting word from one of the cousins that he's back in prison. I see him asking someone to give me his address to write him. Will I?

I will pray for Paul every day of my life. I'll love him... in a way. I'll remember the man I fell in love with just as much as I'll remember the man who trampled my heart. If he goes back to prison? I don't know. I don't know if I'd have the strength to let him have one more piece of me. I have to move on and I can't do that if I'm still clinging to the past. That being said... if I got a letter from him from prison... there's a good chance he'd get one back. Whether it was one from me or a "return to sender" is hard to say at this point. God will work on me when the time comes. And I see it coming soon.

But maybe that's just the part of me that holds on to the hope that somewhere in the midst of all the lies and deceit that somewhere in there, he did have love for me. The fact that he neither recognizes, nor apologizes for what he's done... well, it speaks volumes about his character. If a man can have a woman who loves him heart and soul and can lay in bed with her every night and still lie to her face and see other women... and then deny it all? Maybe there was only a well calculated plan and never love. Maybe I had "sucker" stamped on my forehead. I will probably never know.

There were times when I saw something in him... a glimmer of hope... something that told me that God WAS working on him. I'd see the look in his eye during alter call, knowing he was itching to run to the alter. When he'd get caught in a lie... every now and then there was a shred of remorse. He'd apologize, yes... but they were just words. I always wanted to believe that one day he'd finally get it, that one day he'd FINALLY see that he didn't have to live like that. But he never did.

There are those around me who think he has no soul... those who think he must not have a heart or conscience. They think I'm crazy to say that he still has a chance for redemption. While he doesn't have a chance to redeem himself and get his wife back, he still has the chance to redeem himself and make a better LIFE for himself and his children... it's right in front of him. All he has to do is REACH for it. Easier said than done, I know.

I want him to come out of this in the end a better person, but until he sheds the crap off his soul and digs his way out of the hole he's dug, he's just going to become more angry, bitter and continue to waste his life. People ask me what he's been up to and I have the same response: I don't know and I can't care. If I care, I'll try to help him... and he can't be helped. He has to fall on his face or he'll never learn. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

There are moments when I feel like I'm completely over all this nonsense. And then someone talks about the possibility of me having a date or seeing someone else. I've been asked... but until the divorce is final and probably even after, I'm still Paul's wife. I never asked not to be. He made the decision for me that our marriage would be irreparably destroyed by his infidelity, lies and selfishness. It will take time to come to the place where I am ready to look at another man and not think of Paul and my covenant vow to him.

Marriage wasn't meant to end... but spouses also aren't meant to stray. Mine did and I am having to learn quickly how to pick up the pieces and move on. It isn't easy and I know it's going to be a long and winding road... but I thank God that I'm not doing it alone. Without the love and support of my friends and family, there's no telling what might have happened to me.

There are no answers that come quickly enough to soothe my troubled mind, but there is hope that one day I'll stop looking and just bask in the truth that I am strong and my love was not in vain.

Curled Up in a Ball

2009-12-02T21:48:00.002-05:00

For the last 3-4 days, I've been having pain in the general womb area. Not quite cramps, but definitely painful. My fears right now include:

An STD
Complications with a pregnancy
Another tumor on my cervix
A kidney stone

I drink water, juice and diet soda. I've had a kidney stone before and it HURT LIKE A... kidney stone. I'm not bleeding and so far, there's no blood in my urine, but it hurts to go a little bit. There's lower back pain and my uterus-area hurts. I don't know what's going on, but tonight it hurt so bad I almost went to the emergency room.

If it isn't gone by Monday, I'm making an appointment. I need to make one anyway... but I just don't have the money. *sigh* I need to get a STD panel done. Paul has evidently been unfaithful for our entire marriage. Lovely, huh? They weren't all physical, but the ones that were... yeah, the girls are quite dirty and have reputations as being the kind of chicks who sleep with anyone who'll drop their pants. Unfortunately for me, my husband was one of the fools who couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

Oh, well. He is someone else's problem now.

I have GOT to get some more sleep. I'm just... exhausted. Was out late last night and had to deal with drama until the wee hours of the morning and then was up early on the phone pretty much all day. I'm tired to my bones.

Now down 28 pounds. By the time all this is said and done, I might be quite the hottie. Ha! Can you tell I'm delusional from lack of sleep? Goodnight.

Your Sins Will Find You

2009-12-01T02:11:00.000-05:00

Limited amounts of sleep. I tried to go to sleep sometime around 9:30 this morning, actually. I was up and running by 1 p.m. There were things to do and phone calls to make. Lots of conversations today... lots of things to think about.

I've got something pretty big on my heart. Something I can't quite talk about here. It's complicated. I've been praying for direction. Some things are going on that actually have nothing to do with me, yet effect me.

Talked with a friend tonight about life after divorce. I cannot fathom another man touching me. I can't imagine dating, marrying or living with another man. I was comfortable. There's something to be said for comfort. It's scary to think of having to start over.

My husband is gone. He's been gone for a while. I very much feel like he died... and he's a memory. The things I remember are mostly good. The guy I have to deal with right now... oy, I wouldn't have a relationship with him in a million years. The thought that I'm legally tied to this guy...

Right now... I'm standing back and watching... to see what happens. I can't change it, I can't alter it, but in the end... our sins always find us out.

An Open Door

2009-11-30T00:49:00.004-05:00

You know, it's funny... tonight didn't quite go the way I thought it would. Honestly, last week when we planned it, I thought I'd end up in a puddle of tears. There was a part of me that wanted Paul to snap to his senses and realize what he's done and apologize and really mean it.

Up until last night... I think I still wanted that. When the light bulb went off, I didn't want the man to touch me. I wasn't interested in his apology. I wasn't interested in him about anything. All I want from him is for him to fulfill his obligations. To stop being a dick to me and to help me with taxes.

When I went there tonight, I knew what I wanted. I lost my temper a few times, but I prayed before I got there. I prayed that God would open my eyes and ears and that He would allow me to stay strong. It's not that I didn't want him to see how much he's hurt me... he knows that he's hurt me. The point was to make it clear to him that I will not allow him to hurt me again. His time of control... his time of terrorizing me is over.

The man I sat across from was empty. I looked into eyes that were once sparkly and bright and they were dim. I sat and told him exactly how I saw it and he didn't listen to any of it. Someday, his daughter will find a man just like him... and Paul will want to kill that boy for screwing with his daughter's heart... for taking advantage of her and hurting her. But what Paul has to realize is that she's going to find someone like that... because of HIM. He has taught her that it's okay to use people. That it's okay to screw someone over to serve yourself. That it's okay to be married to someone and sleep with someone else.

The whole thing is just sad. It was so needless. I wish that when I met him, I'd have had the chance to get to know the truth about him from someone other than him. His version of the truth is quite different than that of anybody else. He thinks if he tells the same story over and over again, that it makes it true. His crazy ex-wife does the same thing. She'd accuse Paul of doing something that never happened and then be dumb enough to bring it up in court and actually believe it was true, just because she decided it was.

Oh, man. They deserved each other. Two crazy people who can't tell the truth! Ha!

I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to get the show on the road and get the financial crap taken care of. I'm ready to find a temporary job in Indiana and save up about $2,500 and then move. I hope to get a job as a nanny soon. I'm excited to see what's out there. To meet new people.

I'm excited to find the man I was supposed to marry... and fall in love. Yes, it's going to take time. Sadly, it's going to take me a long time to trust someone enough to give them my heart... but I figure in the next couple of years... I'll get there. And then things will be the way they were supposed to all along. I'll have a real man who doesn't lie... who doesn't gamble or steal... who DOES NOT CHEAT!

Paul will be a distant memory. Even now, he already feels like someone I knew a very long time ago. The guy I'm having to deal with is just a poor man's version.

And Paul, if you're reading this... on the day that you figure out that you made a huge mistake and that you're sorry... do me a favor and don't look me up. Once things are done and the taxes are filed and the divorce is final... I never want to see you again. Ever. Not in a few months. Not in a few years. Whether you genuinely change your life or not--I. Am. Done. I wish you well. I pray for your children. I pray for your soul. But I never want to see you again.

I find peace tonight in a Bible verse... paraphrased from Revelations 3:7-8 Paul, put this one in your memory. It'll make sense to you one day.

"What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied My name."

Tough Choices

2009-11-29T02:01:00.002-05:00

Had several long conversations tonight. One with an unlikely person. (To you, THANK YOU. It meant a lot. I wish things could have been different. I'm so sorry for the things from the past. Thank you for being honest.)

I've got some tough choices ahead of me, but I think for the first time... I truly see what is happening and what has been done. I realize I am on my own with everything and I now have to look out for myself without worrying what will happen to anyone else.

The time for being silent is over. I will no longer let anyone dictate to me what is going to happen in my life. I'm standing up for myself for maybe the first time in my whole life. I'm not afraid anymore.

Today is what it is and tomorrow will be better. God will deal with the things going on in HIS time and it's not for me to try to delegate punishment.

I spent some time chatting with a suicidal woman. I felt compelled to reach out to her because she was as sad as I found myself a few days ago... wondering if a bottle of sleeping pills wouldn't solve all my problems. All this misery--is temporary. Paul and his schemes are temporary. I'm free from his control. I'm free from his lies. I'm free from the pain and abuse he inflicted on me.

I'm free.

There is no looking back. It's one scary step at a time as I figure out my purpose in life. I don't have to worry about the condition of Paul's soul or the way he chooses to live his life. I said my piece and he knows where I stand. And the parts he doesn't know, he's going to hear about very soon.

I'm learning more and more every day that life is too short to let anyone keep you from your happiness. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than endure the grief that came with being married to a selfish man. There is no pain that loneliness could bring that would hurt more than the things he's done.

I'll be okay... until he changes his life, he'll fail at everything he sets his hand to.

There is no joy for me in that, but there is most definitely peace in letting go.

Writing

2009-11-28T03:26:00.003-05:00

My finger is better. Still sore, but usable. (Until I go to rub my nose and then I remember.)

I'm writing a book. About divorce. It's my story with Paul. So far I'm about twenty chapters in. You know... I always wanted to write a book. Whether this ever turns into anything is a mystery, but for now... it's very healing.

I was so in love with that man. Head over heels, out of my mind, over the moon in love with him. We were so happy. It's easier to remember the good times than to linger over the bad. That doesn't mean I forget all that's happened... it just means that sometimes it's better to remember the parts that don't hurt.

I had a long talk with a friend tonight. He knows Paul very well. He wants answers, too. But there really aren't any. There's no definite reason for why Paul did the things he did. I don't think Paul even really knows. I know one thing for sure: He never set out to hurt anyone. I may be some crap for saying that, but I believe it to be true. Paul has never intentionally set out with the plan to harm someone. I think sometimes when things started to go South... instead of pulling back, he just kept going, knowing it was wrong.

I don't know. I think there's much I'll never know. Much I probably don't want to know.

I guess the girl he was involved with has moved on. Whether she and Paul are still going at it, I don't know, but she's definitely started talking to a few other guys. I almost feel bad for her husband, except that he did beat on her and she didn't deserve that, no matter how many guys she screwed around with behind his back.

I was asked point blank how I can forgive Paul. The honest truth is that I haven't totally... I just know that if I hold on to anger, it's going to eat me alive. It doesn't hurt him if I'm hurting. It doesn't affect him at all, if I'm crying into my pillow or so pissed off that I want to slap him. He doesn't care. So why cry? Why be mad? It doesn't change anything.

That doesn't stop me from grieving or being sad for how things turned out... but it does give me a little comfort.

I still can't quite wrap my mind around the thought of being with another man. I hadn't ever planned on being with anybody else. Ever. Part of me is all gung-ho, ready to let people set me up and all that... but in reality, I know I'm not ready for any of that. If the right man came along, he'd have to be patient and know that it's going to take me a while to be there.

I've got a new friend right now... who is more interested than I'm comfortable with. I won't even let him call me on the phone because it feels wrong. It's gonna take some time.

Sunday I'm going over to the house to go over some paperwork with Paul. I've made a list of agreements and whatnot. We're trading vehicles and I'm taking him some more stuff and possibly picking up a few more things. It'll sort of be the final chance to lay everything out on the table. Part of me wants to hug him close... to kiss him and remember the man I loved. Part of me doesn't want him to touch me. We'll see how it goes.

I plan on taking another pregnancy test while I'm there. So we can know once and for all... if it's positive, I'll keep my doctor's appointment. If it's not... then I'll whisper a small prayer of thanks and Paul will probably do a happy dance and we'll go from there.

There have been a lot of thoughts I've had over the last couple of days that I've wanted to share with Paul. Nothing spectacular, but memories and thoughts... writing this book, some things are fuzzy and he has an excellent memory. He said he'd help, but one day only.

I'm not sure why he doesn't want to talk to me after Sunday. He talks like he'll be fine once the divorce is final, but not before. I don't understand that, either. I'd be more inclined to be his friend right now... because there's so much stuff we have to get through before the divorce will even be filed.

Again, I don't know. He's so hard to read from day to day. I wish he could just look in my eyes and see... see my thoughts... see my heart. I wish for one second he could be the guy who heard me.

We'll see what happens Sunday. I don't know if I'm spending the night or coming back to my parents. Right now it's looking favorable that I leave after we take care of the details. I'd kind of like to stay one final night in the house I spent over two years in. It's hard to just walk away from a house that I loved. We'll see.

Anyway, back to the book. If anyone's interested, I could really use opinions as I go along. Sometimes my thought pattern doesn't make sense on paper. Heh.

I'm doing better... slowly, day by day. God is good.

Thankfulness

2009-11-27T02:10:00.007-05:00

I would be telling a lie if I said that I had nothing to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for my parents who have been there for me every step since my husband lost his mind and walked out of our marriage. They were there when the police were called, when Paul and I were screaming at each other, when it was time to pack up my things and when I couldn't breathe from crying so hard. They gave me a place to live. They gave me love and they prayed. Not just for me, but for for Paul, too. If not for them, this story could have gone quite differently.

I'm thankful for this turkey who has listened, commiserated and reminded me that it DOES get better. She's my cousin through marriage, but she's my friend forever.

I'm thankful for this weirdo who has been where I am a few times before and has a few years experience on me. He's flirted with me, told me I was beautiful and made me feel that maybe there's hope for me yet.

I'm thankful for this one who is my very best friend and always tells me like it is (even if it hurts). He's listened to me cry, scream and completely lose my cool. He's known more of the details that I did at times and reminded me that there are brighter days ahead.

I'm thankful for Paul. For the man who used to be completely out of his mind in love with me. Who held me while I slept and kissed every morning before he went to work. I'm thankful that I had the chance to love someone with all my heart, even if it was only for a while. He'll never know just how much I did love him... and love him still. Thank you, Paul, for letting me be part of your life and the lives of your children and family. You'll all be in my heart forever.

But most of all... I'm thankful to God who has given me the strength to continue when I didn't want to. Who loves me in spite of myself.

And I'm thankful for you, whoever you are, who reads these words and prays for me.

Love,
Shannon

A Little Kindness

2009-11-25T22:43:00.002-05:00

Typing a little slower tonight. I was carrying a huge box from one room to another and smashed my finger into the top post of the staircase. After icing it for 30 minutes, it's still swollen and tender. It'll be a few days before I'm ready to fully extend it. Ouch!

Last week, Paul was all about "being friends" and was actually bearable. Somehow something in him has shifted and he's turned into a cold, vindictive, hateful jerk. He's rude, defensive and acts like I'm the one who has wronged HIM. It's frustrating. I try to be nice... to make things as tolerable as possible in this sucky situation and he's making it impossible. He goes as far as to tell me that he's "very happy now" that I'm not part of his life. No offense, dude, but you haven't exactly been a peach to live with. The difference is I took marriage seriously and wasn't going to throw it away just because you were a pain sometimes.

I've been trying to stay in communication because there are several things we have to work out TOGETHER. Why he suddenly can't stand the sight of me, I don't understand. Every time he's a jerk, I want to tell him where to shove it, go throw all his crap in the front yard of the house and change the locks. Do I do it? No. Because I'm trying to keep things civil. Yes, I struggle now and then... but good God, considering all the crap he pulled, I'd say I'm doing pretty good and he's got off easy.

I don't have to sign the house over to him. I don't have to take him his crap when I come across some of it in the boxes I brought over. I didn't have to help him keep from getting his butt kicked by an angry customer or play mediator between him and a current customer who is extremely pissed at him. I just don't want to see anything bad happen to him... whether he's screwed me over or not... I don't want harm to come to him.

In less than a week, I went from having a husband, a partner and best friend to having this guy... who treats me like a disease and makes everything 100% harder than it needs to be. I don't want him back... I just want to get through this. Sometimes I need his help and he's just not there. He read the post about the pregnancy test. I took another one after talking to him and it was positive, too. I can't get into my doctor until the middle of December. I'm just hoping beyond hope that the next test I take is negative. I talked with Paul and I couldn't stop crying. The fear overwhelmed me. I can't raise a baby alone. But I can't raise a baby with Paul, either. It's just such a mess.

He doesn't understand my need to say goodbye... for closure. I've lost a lot of people in my life without the chance to truly say goodbye... I don't want to miss my chance to say goodbye to the man I dedicated my entire life to for over two years. I know it doesn't make sense to him. He's pretty adamant that he's not going to give in. It seems more like a power struggle than anything. I can't force him... just like I couldn't force him to be faithful or to tell me the truth all the time.

I don't know. I just wish it were easier. I wish he could suck it up and be nice to me and realize that I've left him in God's hands. I pray for his salvation... not for reconciliation. Our marriage is over. I deserve to be treated so much better than he did. But for now... I need a little kindness. I need to know that he's going to help me through this until he's no longer legally forced to have anything to do with me. Past that... I plan on moving far away and he won't have to hear from me again.

I'm not excited for the holiday's like I was before. Last month I was excited about putting up the tree and seeing my new nephew at Thanksgiving at the in-law's house. I was excited about the presents I'd bought him and looking forward to getting presents for our families. I was looking forward to him FINALLY kissing me at midnight on New Years. Now... the holiday's don't seem to hold much joy. There's not a lot of money for Christmas presents and I dread having to see my family and have them ask me what happened with Paul. I want to hide. I want to avoid everyone.

I don't know. It's going to get easier. If someone could slip him a happy pill and make him a little easier to deal with, I'd be forever indebted. *sigh*

Paul, I know you're reading this... just be my friend. Please? There's a lot of things going on that I need your cooperation with. Please cool out... until everything is settled. I don't need the extra stress. I'm not trying to make things complicated. I just want to get through this so I can move on with my life. Help me. Please.

I Still Believe

2009-11-25T01:17:00.003-05:00

Scattered words and empty thoughts,
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before,
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain,
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain,
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well in brokenness I can see
That this was Your will for me
Help me to know that You are near

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Part Nine: Falling Apart

2009-11-24T16:13:00.000-05:00

If you had asked me on October 29th where I rated my marriage, I probably would have given it a 7 out of 10. I knew there was a lot of work that needed to be done, but I also knew that I was still crazy about the man I married. My knees still got weak when he kissed me. When the phone rang, I hoped it was him... I was still mad about him. We had grown apart quite a bit over the six months prior, but I was sure we were still in love. I had no idea about all the gambling and the inappropriate relationships he had formed. My head was in the clouds.

There's no real date I could give you to tell you when my marriage fell apart. For Paul it's possible that September 15th, the date we married was the beginning of the end for him. Or maybe it's a few months later when work got overwhelming and he realized there wasn't enough money to finish the house. I really don't know. Don't get me wrong, there were moments that I was positive I wanted out. When I found out about the checks shortly after we got married, I was terrified that he was on a downward spiral. When he set up a Myspace account to talk to a girl he used to know, I was going to kick his no-good tail to the curb. But I couldn't. I loved him. I loved him more than I wanted out.

I wasn't sure why he wanted to separate, but I was willing to let him have space if that's what he wanted. He spent the night at the shop on the Friday night and I spoke with him before he went to bed. I was sure he'd be back and we'd be okay. The following morning he sent me a message: "Last night I missed you very much. Did some thinking, scary I know. I just want you to know things are going to be okay and different when I come home. Love you so much." That afternoon, he did a total 180 and wasn't sure he EVER wanted to come back. I don't know what happened.

It all went to hell from there. One minute he was okay and he'd come home and make passionate love to me and then he'd want to leave again. My head was spinning. At one point he was screaming into the phone, "Fuck you! Go to hell! Have a nice life!" and the next I was getting a text message begging to come home to make love to me one last time. There were several moments that the police were called. Every time he threatened me and every time the police told him to back off. It was just a complete and total circus.

The Saturday before I fully moved out, I cried so hard, I thought I was going to die. He stayed with me all night and held me. He tried to make love to me, but I just couldn't stop crying. He will never know the extent to which he broke my heart. The betrayal... the lies... I think about the possibility of ever having a relationship again and I worry... will I blame the next man for the sins of my first husband? Will I be too afraid to let him in? Will I ever be able to totally trust him?

That Sunday when he helped me move... he was all sweet as pie as he texted his whore and told her just one more box... just one more trip and she's gone! Part of me wants to hate him. To cause him the kind of pain he's caused me. But what good would that bring? If I wanted to see him suffer, I wouldn't have helped him when he stole money from a client who was going to have him beaten within an inch of his life. Even now... I want to hug him and slap him at the same time.

If he came to me tomorrow and said, "Honey, I was so wrong and I'm so sorry. Please take me back." It would be the hardest decision I've ever had to make... but I know I'd have to walk away. No one deserves to be treated like they're nothing--and that's how he treated me. No one deserves to be lied to and cheated on...

I've talked about wanting closure... wanting one last night with him. There's something inside me that needs to say goodbye and know that it's real. I've lost so many people in my life and didn't get a chance to have that last memory with them. As much as Paul's hurt me and broken my heart... I still want that last moment with him. I want to be able to look back and not regret having not had that last chance to say goodbye.

Life's too short for regrets. I don't regret meeting him... or marrying him... or choosing to love him with all my heart. I wish to God he'd have made different choices and hadn't taken this path... but that, that is on him. I loved hard... I gave everything I had. He didn't deserve me and someday I'll meet a good man who loves me the way Paul was supposed to love me. I'll be happy and I won't worry that the man I've given my heart to will betray me or break my heart.

I'm gonna be okay... someday.

Part Eight: The Business

2009-11-24T00:11:00.002-05:00

Starting a business was both a blessing and a curse. When Paul quit Tyson, we were really hurting for a second income. He had worked for a heating and cooling company briefly during the first year in the house and he'd worked at various construction companies throughout his life, it just seemed like the next logical step that he start working for himself. He had installed a few furnaces here and there and it was quite profitable, so when he started talking about maybe going out on his own, I was all for it.

By December he was busy enough that he had to have help. We decided to become a "legitimate business" and talked over how to do so. He wanted to get an EIN number and sign up for taxes and all that good garbage. We decided I'd put everything in my name... to avoid having his child support skyrocket and to protect him should someone look up our business and find that a former felon was running it. It seemed logical. I wish I'd never been so quick to put myself in that position.

By March we had several jobs under our belt, several hundred dollars in the bank, a business bank account and 3-5 full time and part time employees. Paul put in a bid to build a house for the family of some of our customers. It looked promising and the business stood to profit about $30,000. It seemed like the perfect way to really establish a name for ourselves. By April he had landed the job and by May, they were hard at work getting the house started.

Somehow things didn't work out the way they were meant to. Money was blown through quicker than anticipated and the homeowners were extremely difficult to work with. The woman, in particular, was demanding and kept requesting changes. Paul didn't put anything in writing... and it later came back to bite us in the butt. There were several charge accounts. Some I knew about and some I wasn't quite so informed of. The stress from the house was really weighing on our relationship. Paul was cranky most of the time because the homeowners were giving him grief and he wasn't getting much sleep.

The more people who worked on the job, the more it seemed things were getting messed up. It isn't that Paul didn't know what he was doing--he just had too much on his plate. I wanted to pay off the charge accounts as quickly as they were created, but he kept reassuring me that they'd get paid off when the homeowners made their final payment with all the extras added on. He bought a truck, a trailer, some tools... we went on trips... he played cards... the money ran out.

I tried to to step in. Paul was at the end of his rope. The stress was overwhelming him and he was losing it quickly. He tried so hard to keep it together, but he just couldn't. When I stepped in, I thought I could fix it. I thought I could take the stress off of him and we'd be okay. He'd made so many promises to the homeowners... and I couldn't follow through with any of them. They were furious at him. I remember clearly the day I went to the house to prime the walls. A man walked in the room while I was on the phone with Paul. I quickly got off the phone and greeted the man. I thought he was the cabinet guy. He said he was from the lumber company and wanted to know when I'd be able to settle the bill.

I remember looking at him and saying, "Oh, I should be able to take care of that soon. The homeowner is supposed to be making a $20,000 payment here soon and I'll take care of you and a few other things." He looked confused. "The bill with you is only $17,000..." I started. He looked grim as he held out a piece of paper and said, "Ma'am, your bill is over $32,000." My heart stopped for a second. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I told him that I would talk to Paul and we would drive to their shop the following morning to arrange payment.

I called Paul and through my tears I begged him for answers. He just kept telling me to calm down. He told me everything I wanted to hear. The following morning we went to the lumber company and he let me talk and beg and plead for them to have mercy on us. Paul had told them that I'd put the check in the mail a dozen times and that I would be handling it. All the while, I didn't have a CLUE what was going on.

Fast forward a few weeks and Paul walked off the job. On one hand I don't blame him. The homeowners were creeps and had flat out lied to my face about a few things. There wasn't going to be enough money to cover everything that had to be done to the house and there was no guarantee the homeowners were going to pay what they owed once the work was done. It was just a mess. The contract Paul and designed in the beginning made it impossible to let things work in a way that made sense to anyone short of a trial lawyer. There just didn't seem to be a way out and so he walked.

He kept working. He did many jobs since... but things were never the same. It was always catch up with paying bills. There was always something we couldn't pay and there were always too many guys on the job. I begged Paul to let me take some of the responsibility, but he wouldn't release any control whatsoever. It was wearing on him. He started a few jobs that weren't done correctly and he'd have to go fix it or send someone to fix it. Some employees came and went. There never seemed to really be anyone Paul could trust to work on their own and he was working so many hours and getting so little sleep.

Toward the end, he landed a good roofing job in a large town. The money was going to clean up a bunch of debt. He was there one day, working in the rain, busting his butt... and the guy he was working for was just a total prick. There were several different crews working on this huge roofing project and all of them got fired because the man in charge had a stick up his butt. Paul did a good job, I have no doubt. The guy just wanted the impossible. After that, Paul lost all hope in just about everything. He came home and announced that he wanted to separate and after that... it was all down hill.

There are a few open jobs where customers are unhappy. There are a few where lawsuits have been threatened. The business, though we are married, is legally mine. The debt is legally mine. If he wrote bad checks, if he made promises to clients, if he took money and ran... it all comes back on me. The hopelessness of knowing that he could walk away and leave me hanging is overwhelming. Especially when he tells me that he can't wait for the divorce so that he doesn't have to deal with me anymore. As if I am the one who has caused all of his problems.

If I could go back in time, I think I'd still have encouraged him to start the business but so many things would have been different. He took on too much, too soon and it overwhelmed him in a way that I was blind to. In the end he was working 12+ hour days and I never saw him. He was getting very little sleep and living on caffeine, McDonalds and vicodin. I wasn't allowed to voice any kind of concern because he didn't want to hear it.

And now... now I just have to hold on and wait to see if he follows through or if his desperation to get rid of me is greater than his conscience. He's capable of being a good man... of stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing... but our relationship (or lack thereof) is just so volatile right now. He acts like he can't stand the sight of me. Like I'm the one who screwed him over. He doesn't care one way or another what happens to me--he just wants me gone.

There's so much debt. I have to file bankruptcy. There's over $100,000 in total with the house and the car and all the business stuff. We never got around to being incorporated. We were a sole proprietorship. I'm stuck. When everything is said and done, I'll walk away having lost basically everything. The house (he wants me to deed it to him so he can assume liability with the divorce), my job, the business, my husband, the security in life I had... I'm losing everything. The debt will disappear... but I'll be left with nothing. We have to come up with $3,000 for a bad check he wrote on a business check with my name. We have to come up with $1,300 for the bankruptcy and $650 for the divorce. Then he's done with me. I have to work something out with the IRS to cover the $10,000 in payroll taxes that didn't get paid. I just feel so helpless.

Another night and very few answers. I've laid a fleece before God... asking for a final, definite answer one way or another what I am meant to do. I believe that by Friday, I will have the answers that I need.

I'm spending tomorrow night with him. To say goodbye and to know that it's my very last night laying next to my husband. It's my last night to be held by him. My last night to kiss him or lay my head on his chest. It's my last night as Mrs. Vaughn... my last night.

Part Seven: The Miscarriage

2009-11-22T23:59:00.004-05:00

I was on birth control when I met Paul. I'd had multiple female issues, which ultimately led to a D&C in February 2007. I had a tumor on my cervix the size of a grape removed as well. My doctor diagnosed me with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. This caused all kinds of hormonal imbalances. For this she prescribed birth control (and weight loss).

As Paul and I got closer and closer, we started talking about having a family. In April 2008, I went off the pill in preparation to start trying to conceive when we married in the Fall. We had planned on trying to have a wedding that October and figured six months would be plenty of time to get my cycle on track again. I took my last pill the day before my 26th birthday. Every time we made love after that, I'd wonder... is tonight the night I get pregnant?

After we eloped, I would occasionally purchase ovulation testers and would try to track when I was most fertile. There were a few times that I actually caught myself ovulating and was quick to get Paul in bed. My cycle was still weird, so it was not unusual in the least for there to be 3-4 months between periods. Every time I'd get any kind of "pregnancy symptom" I'd take a test. I had a handful of false positives with very faint lines and would retest a few days later and have a negative.

In December 2008, I was really feeling awful. I was just exhausted. Paul's brother's wife and his mom were asking me at Christmas if we were planning on having any kids yet. I told them we were trying and that I wasn't really up to trying as I was feeling sick. They looked at each other and grinned and said, "Sounds pregnant to me!" Everyone was excited for us to start having kids. I was scared it was never going to happen.

The next few months, I just started feeling worse. I was nauseous all the time. Then I got up one morning and started having really bad cramps. These were beyond anything I've ever felt. Then the bleeding started. It wasn't anything massive, so I wasn't worried. The next day I was feeling horrible, but I got up to go to work. I was driving for the Amish school at the time and had just left the house when my right, passenger side tire went FLYING OFF THE VAN. I immediately called Paul and he came to my rescue. When the tire flew off, the van jerked and my seat belt got really tight and it hurt my abdomen. I got home and the bleeding had intensified.

Sitting on the toilet, I felt something slide out of me. I sat there for a moment trying to take in what I knew had just happened. I put my face in my hands and I sobbed. I was terrified to tell Paul. I didn't want to disappoint him. I was scared he'd be mad at me. The whole day and into the weekend, I was popping advil and sleeping with a heating pad. I hurt so badly. I wanted Paul to climb in bed with me and just hold me and cry with me... but that's not how he handles things and even now... he denies that it happened. He said because I didn't go to the hospital, I was probably mistaken. I KNOW what happened. I saw it. I'll never forget it for as long as I live.

Since March, I've had only one faint positive line, followed by a negative test a few days later. My cycle was still off... periods were hit and miss. When Paul and I started seriously having trouble, I all but totally stopped eating. I couldn't keep anything down. There were nights that I sobbed myself to sleep and woke up wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and die. Food was not an interest. I got really sick and my whole body hurt. I forced myself to eat a little here and there and I've now gotten myself up to about one meal a day or a few snacks, but I've lost almost twenty pounds.

Losing weight had snapped my cycle back in gear. A week ago, I started bleeding. It wasn't a normal period. It was light and it would stop and start, stop and start. Paul and I even had sex once when it was in a stop phase. It didn't seem... normal. So, after Paul and I had a fight yesterday, I went to the store and picked up a test.

I haven't said a word to Paul. I don't plan on it. If it's a false positive... or if I have another miscarriage... what good could possibly come from telling him? He doesn't want me. Whether there were a baby involved or not, he just doesn't want me. He wants freedom and to be done with everything we had. Yes, it hurts like hell... but I can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. And I can't let him back in because he feels like he has to because of a baby... a baby that may or may not ever come to be.

I wish this were easier. I wish I could just sit down with Paul and talk to him like I used to be able to. I wish he were there with open arms for me... ready to catch me if I fell apart. I wish he could just hold me like he used to so that I felt safe again... even if just for a moment.

I know I'll get through this and come out better on the other side... but tonight... tonight I grieve for all that I've lost and there's nothing anyone can say to make it better.

Part eight to be continued...

Part Six: Marriage

2009-11-21T19:54:00.005-05:00

We had several wedding dates from the night we got engaged to the actual date we eloped. We eventually settled on May 3, 2008. We chose a church, a theme, I bought a dress, flower girl dresses and a whole box of wedding supplies. It seemed like smooth sailing... except that we just couldn't afford it. We would choose a new date only for it to come and go with little actual wedding preparation. I was always frustrated that Paul had very little to say about any of it and had no interest in planning what he considered to be "woman's work".

I just wanted to be his wife. I didn't care how it happened. By August, we had started seriously talking about just getting a marriage license and eloping. I never thought he was having second thoughts. The day we went to get the marriage license, he seemed as excited as I was. If he was having doubts, he hid it very well. That night, I made a bouquet and we went to my brother's house.

I remember it so vividly in my mind. The engagement ring we'd used was my grandmother's wedding ring. I handed it to him and we began. My brother wasn't completely prepared, but he did the best he could. He asked Paul if he would love, honor and cherish me and cleave only unto me. Paul smiled as he said, "I do." The tears spilled hot down my cheeks as I promised the love of my life that I would love him for the rest of my life. My sister-in-law took pictures as I stood next to Paul with tears streaming down my face as I said, "For better or for worse". The way he kissed me... the way he held me... I couldn't imagine that he wasn't as happy as I was that night.

We took dozens of pictures... and even now... looking at them? Does he look like a man who didn't want to get married? I just don't know.

We went home and made love for the first time as man and wife and it felt like the first time all over again. That is how it was supposed to be... married... joining as one. The next day things went on as they always had... except that now it was, "Hello, Husband", "Hello, Wife" and giggles and smiles. The stress of our lives at the time was probably a 6 out of 10... I guess I thought that getting married would be one less thing to worry about. We could now plan a wedding at our own pace... because we were already married. I was proud to be his wife. I loved when he introduced me and said, "This is my wife, Shannon".

I never thought we'd ever NOT be together. When we'd get in a fight, he'd tell me the only way I'd ever get rid of him was to kick him to the curb. When he wrote the bad checks and I left, he called me and left a message on my voicemail. He told me that he loved me and was going to spend his life proving it. He swore he'd never do anything to harm our marriage again. I believed him with all my heart and let him come home. I wanted my marriage to work. I wanted it to get better.

Months later, when the truth came out about him quitting his job and having the secret MySpace account, I packed his things. I left them in the living room for him. He came home and I cried for hours as we sat on the couch and I told him that I couldn't let him disregard my feelings anymore. I held him, unable to let go as he started loading his stuff up in the truck. Before the night was through, he was back in my bed and it almost seemed like nothing had happened. Because I lacked the ability to be angry for more than a an hour, it was easy to pretend that everything was okay again. I blamed myself because every time we got in a fight, he'd tell me that I was passive aggressive (I was) and that if I'd just open up and tell him how I was feeling, we'd be okay.

The other times I'd packed his things or my things, it was always because of something he'd said or done and every time, he'd somehow convince me that it was warranted because I nagged or complained or didn't give him the space/freedom/respect he desired. I bought it every single time... because I was passive aggressive and I did have low self-esteem and I did ask him a lot of questions... because I didn't trust him.

He would lie to me to my face and when I'd express any kind of doubt in what he was saying, he'd throw in my face that I didn't trust him and without trust we would never work. I kept thinking to myself, "Good grief, man! All you have to do is TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!!! Spend a little time with me. Hold me at night. Watch a movie with me. Pick up your freaking clothes off the floor! I'll be putty in your hands and we'll have a happy marriage! It's not that difficult!!!!!!" No amount of telling him what I wanted seemed to get through to him. It was always my fault. It was always me not understanding that all he wanted was respect and trust. It was all a sham.

Just before he walked out on me, I told him I wanted to go stay with my parents for a while and he talked me out of it. I had no idea that soon he'd be the one who would leave and that my life would soon be spinning out of control and imploding on itself.

With all of this writing... and all of the reflection... I've begun to see things I was blind to for a very long time. In the past day or two I've asked Paul to tell me about his feelings and I've mostly been ignored. I finally got the nerve to ask him if perhaps he had somehow developed cold feet before we married and tried to sabotage things. He told me that he had felt pressured to go through with it and had agreed to elope because he didn't want to hurt me.

As for all the things he'd done... he had just grown tired of putting on a facade. He had made one mistake and instead of working to fix it and make things right, he quickly reverted to the person he was pre-prison. That's not to say he didn't fight it. I can see that he did on several occasions. But it was a losing battle because at the end of the day, he just didn't want to be married. The responsibility and confinement wore at him. It was just easier for him to lie and hope he didn't get caught and when he did get caught to put the blame on anyone or anything so that he didn't have to deal with the truth.

There is absolutely no excuse for the things he has done and I did not in any way deserve to be lied to or cheated on. He never should have married me if he had felt in any way, shape or form that he wasn't ready. We'd talk about marriage counseling, but it never happened. Part of me will always wonder if there wasn't something else we could have tried... but really... I did everything I could. At the end, when I was kicked in the teeth and there was no where else for me to go, I began to lean on God again. I gave Him back my life. I realized I couldn't go on the way I had.

With my husband standing in front of me telling me he had fallen out of love with me and that it was nothing I had done and this and that and a million different reasons as to why he wanted out... I felt completely at a loss. I looked at this man that I'd given my heart to and I saw a stranger. The man I'd fallen in love with had slowly disappeared in the days following our elopement. He started lying and turning into the man he'd been before I knew him. The man who told me he wanted a divorce wasn't MY Paul.

I picked up The Love Dare and that, along with God moving in my life, changed some of what I had been. Paul did notice... but he was unwilling to open his heart to it. It had not yet come out about his infidelity. I honestly believe he never thought I'd find out. He was going to walk away letting me believe that it was something I had done that had made him fall out of love with me and end our marriage.

The truth is that Paul wasn't ready to get married. He wasn't ready for the commitment and requirements that came along with being a husband. I never understood because in reality, things didn't change much after we got married... we acted like a married couple before we ever got married. We lived like husband and wife. I don't wan to trivialize it and say it was just a piece of paper... but in a way... it was. When he suddenly felt trapped, he reverted back into the man he'd been... and the choices he made after that... was his way of trying to escape.

Not all of our marriage was bad... but somehow, in the last year, he stopped being affectionate. He stopped saying, "I love you" as much. He started shutting down and pulling away. As our first anniversary approached, I saw a renewed hope in him. We were at a very low point and the business was beginning to really effect everything. There was a substantial amount of debt and we were struggling. Yet, through all of it, he was planning a romantic anniversary vacation. He wrote the plans on the back of a map and at the bottom wrote, "Work hard! Work hard! Special first anniversary! I love this woman!!!" When he showed it to me, I was overcome with emotion.

And then I shut him down. I had no idea how we were going to come up with the money to pay the bills that were overdue and he was asking me to go on vacation with him. I knew we needed to get away, but I couldn't let go. I was terrified by the fact that the house payment was late and money was tight... yet he was willing to spend $1,000 on a trip for our anniversary. Yes, some of the money he had won in a poker game... but I couldn't let go. When the day came that we were supposed to leave... and we didn't... he changed completely. He wasn't nice to me. He couldn't fake it anymore. He'd barely touch me and hearing, "I love you" was few and far between.

Priorities had always been skewed. There was bowling and football and gambling and card games and a million other little things that took him away. That was his spare time and he felt he deserved it for having worked 60 hours in a week. Working on his marriage wasn't a priority because he didn't really want to be in the marriage. He loved me and wanted to be with me in theory... but at the end of the day, he didn't want to have to answer to anyone... even me. I was a liability and he wanted out. I was just the woman who had shut him down every time he asked me to do something with him.

I was holding on to a lot of anger and hurt myself... for all the times he chose something over me. When he would ask me to go to the movies, he'd throw in that he could be doing something else but was choosing me and that was not the way to get me. All I heard was that he'd rather be doing something else, but was choosing me to get me to stop complaining. The anniversary... I couldn't get past the fact that we were broke. I wish with all my heart I'd have just shut up and gone with him...

I cherished my role as a wife. I loved having someone to come home to. Someone to talk with and laugh with and cuddle up with at night. I loved being part of a team... being a partner in life. I loved that if I had to run to the store, I could ask him to go with me. I loved that if I wanted to see a movie, he'd take me. I loved having someone to be accountable to. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes along the way. I was passive aggressive. I was demanding. But I was faithful and I loved him enough to try to work on my own issues.

Marriage is not something I take lightly. I believe that once you're married, you do everything in your power to stay married if at all possible. Sadly, there is nothing Paul has done that cannot be fixed. If he were willing to be honest and to give up lying, gambling and the deceptive nature, we might have a fighting chance. If he would step away from the things that have caused us problems... including the woman at the gas station, I would be willing to work hard to trust him again and to let go of the things he'd done that has hurt me. He'd have to give up gambling... put his priorities in the right order and have an open mind to counseling...

However, that is not something he wants. He doesn't want to try. He doesn't want to put forth any effort whatsoever. For him, it's easier to give up... to cut his losses and move on. It's easier for him to walk away and hold on to all the things that give him grief... even though it means giving up the one person in the world who loved him in spite of himself.

I have reconciled myself to the fact that it's over. No amount of praying, hoping, begging or trying will change his mind. I did everything that I could and now all that's left for me to do is pick up the pieces and move on. I believe that someday he'll look back and he'll realize what he threw away. God could change him... God could move in his life in a powerful way... but Paul would first have to make that step and he tells me that he's not ready. He's not ready to let it go. The grief and pain he's caused me doesn't seem to register to him... he says that I'll be happier without him and he means it.

I will never be happy with the fact that my husband chose all of these poisonous things in his life over me. I will never be happy that he couldn't put forth the last ditch effort of counseling. I will never be happy that he chose selfishness over love. He has to tell himself whatever he needs to so that he doesn't have to think about what the truth actually is: that he's walking away because he's scared of changing the things about himself that he knows are destroying his life.

As for me... it's a day at a time and one, terrifying step after another.

Part seven to be continued.

A Rough Night

2009-11-21T01:38:00.002-05:00

Part six will have to wait. Tonight I'm struggling with understanding why people cheat. Whether physical, emotional or mental... cheating is cheating. Infidelity, no matter how small, is wrong. I had suspicions that I never dared voice for fear of Paul's wrath. He didn't take kindly to being called a liar or a cheat. Turns out he was both.

I heard from a guy who worked for us that the wife of a former employee was spending a lot of time with Paul. I tried to overlook it. After all, he was working so many hours and didn't have ten minutes for me, how could he make time for someone else? He was spending a lot of time at the gas station where she worked, but he said he was there with his friend Josh because Josh was interested in a girl who worked there, too.

There were so many warning signs and I ignored all of them because of something Paul had told me early in our relationship. He had said that he'd been cheated on and he would never put someone through the pain he knew cheating caused. I believed him. I had no reason not to. So when I started hearing that he was having an inappropriate relationship with this girl and it was coming from several people who had no connection to each other, I asked Paul what was going on. I didn't accuse, I merely asked. He went ballistic. He said that she was his friend and I had better just deal with it because he was going to be friends with whomever he wanted and I was NOT going to dictate to him who he could talk to.

This should have been a big enough red flag. Seeing that he spent an hour or so a day talking to her on the phone should have been a bigger flag, but so much of me wanted to believe he just wasn't capable of actually cheating. The night I asked him not to talk to her anymore, he said he was completely through with our marriage... that up until then he was willing to try to make it work... to get counseling and whatnot, but if I couldn't trust him enough to believe him when he said nothing was going on... then we were doomed.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. He was essentially choosing this girl over his own freaking wife and then blaming me for it! I was furious and hurt and a hundred other emotions. I started packing my things. I had to get out. I couldn't breathe. That night he came home because he knew I was falling apart. He held me and rocked me and tried to make love to me, but I was crying so hard, I couldn't do anything but shake. The following day he helped me move my things from the house to my parents. He acted perfectly calm.

It took both of our vehicles (twice) and both my parents vehicles (once) to get everything moved. I went back to the house to grab a few final things and he went in to take a shower. Quietly I snuck into the bathroom and took his cell phone... the phone I was never allowed to touch, ask for or see. I went through his text messages and they were mostly from the girl... telling him that she loved him and couldn't wait to see him. His messages to her told her that he loved her, too. That things had moved quickly, but she had stolen his heart. The entire time he was helping me move, he was sending her messages. "Just one more box, babe and she's out of my life for good!" And then I looked at the pictures. There was one of him and her together... one of her with one of her kids. One of his hand with a woman's ring on it.

I slammed the shower door open and said, "What the hell is this, Paul?! Nothing is going on and you're telling her you love her?! What the hell is this?!" He looked cold and empty and said, "They're just words. They don't mean anything." I turned around and ran from the room, ran out the front door and drove away. I was shaking so hard I have no idea how I ended up where I did. I called her from his phone and she texted to text her. I tried texting everyone in phone book, telling them he was a lying, cheating bastard. He kept calling my phone, demanding that I bring his phone back. I refused. His friend, Josh called and I told him the whole thing and he was stunned.

I don't know who all I called and what all I said. At some point he had his phone disconnected so I couldn't call or text anyone from it. He kept calling my phone from the house phone and demanded to know where I was. I told him if he wanted his phone he could come and get it. I erased all of his contacts and very nearly snapped his phone in half. He got there in lightening speed and I threw the phone out of the window. He got out of the truck and I got out of the van and I walked up to him. "How could you do this?!" I screamed with tears running hot down my cheeks.

"I didn't do anything!" He shouted. Rage boiled up inside me and I slapped him hard across the face. "Bitch, if you lay one more fucking finger on me, I'll call the cops!" he shouted. "Call them!" I screamed. What else I said, I don't remember. He got in the truck and sped off. That night, he went to a Colts game with her, her husband and God knows who else. In his messages to her, he had written that he hoped her husband went to the bathroom so he could kiss her.

I went back to my parents house and I lost it. I cried myself to sleep that night. And many nights since. I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't understand. I talked to Paul a few times after this... but nothing he said made any sense. It was all lies. It was all complete and total lies.

Tuesday we went to his cousin's house to take him some money for a check Paul had written him. On the way there, Paul said he was going to tell me something that I wasn't going to believe. He tried to tell me that it had all been a set up. That I had mentioned in the past that it would be easier for me to handle his sudden shift if there were another woman and that everyone was in on it. I asked him if I looked stupid? He said, "I'm not wasting my breath. I knew you wouldn't believe me." Of course I didn't believe him!

Later, after I dropped him off, he hugged me... and I started crying. I wish with all my might that for just two seconds he could understand how badly he hurt me. I wish I could snap that stupid whore's neck and cut Paul's testicles off. He said he never slept with her and that much I believe. He said he had never even kissed her... and I don't know about that. He said it wasn't an affair, but he's full of crap. In his mind, he knows exactly what he did and he knows exactly what it was. He's ashamed to admit that he CHEATED ON HIS WIFE!

Last night he finally admitted to "having feelings for another woman". Said he'd fallen out of love with me and that he didn't want to be tied down anymore. He said he wanted freedom. I guess you can't get more free than to screw over your wife in every possible way, get her out of the picture and then mess around with a woman you can't actually be with because she's already married. You can't really get more free than that, can you?

The anger, betrayal and complete devastation that I feel is unreal. Some nights, it's all I can do not to take an entire bottle of sleeping pills and pray that I don't burn in hell forever for taking my own life. There are days when I realize that I'll come out stronger in the end and that my life will count for something and his will not because right now he's a worthless, heartless, selfish, miserable excuse for a human being. There are days when I dream about finding a real love... with someone who cherishes me and would NEVER do this to me. But right now... right now I just hurt so badly that I can't breathe.

I want the husband back that I lost long before all of this happened. I want my home back. I want my job back. I want my security and identity back. I lost everything when he did the things he did. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't face anyone. My heart hurts so badly... that I just don't want to exist. He will NEVER understand. He always accused me of having poor self-esteem... but looking back... how could I not have? I had a man who said he loved me in one breath and berated me in the next. He neglected me, chose everything in the world over me and treated me like crap for over a year! I held on because I loved him... because I remembered the man he used to be...

And now I'm standing here with nothing. Everything I cherished is suddenly gone. He seems to think he's walking away from this completely free of all cares and burdens. One minute he says he wants to be my friend and then wonders why in the hell I can't fathom ever wanting to have anything to do with him again. YES, I am torn in the belief that marriage is for LIFE and that maybe by some miracle God can use this for good. But does that mean that I keep letting him treat me like trash and lie to me?

Up until Sunday... I was willing to do anything to keep him. I was willing to do whatever it took. Sunday, he raped me of my faith in love. He robbed me of hope that love conquers all. He beat me to a bloody pulp and left me to die, not caring one bit or thinking for a second about the consequences of his actions. They didn't really affect him. He was getting what he said he wanted: Freedom. I was just a casualty of his selfishness.

How can someone cheat on their spouse? I don't understand it. I don't understand how you can justify to yourself that it's okay to spit in the face of the one person in the world who loves you above all others. I cry so hard I can barely breathe and yet... no answers come. I feel God leading me in a direction that I don't understand. Why on earth would God be calling for me to forgive this horrible man?! Doesn't that mean that he does, indeed, get off without any kind of consequence? Why would God be calling for me to pray for the soul of the man who broke my heart? Why would He ask me to pray, even to this very moment, that everything gets turned around?

My head despises this man... my head HATES this man to the core. And yet I hear this still small voice... telling me to keep going until He tells me to stop. Why put myself through this? Why is God letting this happen? Why is He asking me to sacrifice myself again for this man? The man who cares nothing for me at all... who would sooner watch me perish than help me.

I'm at a loss tonight. A complete and total loss.

Part Five: The Kids

2009-11-20T15:19:00.002-05:00

Paul's oldest daughter had just turned 8 and his youngest was 3 1/2 when I met him. He had just started having a relationship with the oldest when I came along. His relationship with the youngest was virtually non-existent. The little girl had no idea who this strange man was that was suddenly coming to get her and wanting her to call him daddy. She'd been raised to believe her mother's new husband was her daddy.

The first day I met the oldest child, I was scared out of my mind. We took her for ice cream and I took photos. She showed her butt a little on the way home and Paul pulled the car over. He said he was going to spank her if she didn't straighten up and I was kind of taken aback. I didn't see anything she'd done as being that drastic. We got back to his parents house and she immediately told Paul's mom and she interceded. Paul's parents have always been really rough on him as far as his parenting. His mom, especially, would step in when he was trying to discipline.

That night I stayed over and the following day we took her and her cousin to the zoo. For reasons unknown, the kid automatically liked me. Some eight weeks later Paul asked her permission to ask me to marry him and she said yes. When we started looking at houses, she was so excited to have her own room. We talked about how we'd decorate it and she was really excited.

We had been in our house for less than a month when the youngest child started coming for visitation, too. She had heard from her sister how much fun we had and she wanted to see what it was all about. Our weekends with them were filled with activities. We'd go to the park or to the movies and as Halloween approached, we went to a pumpkin farm and picked out a whole family of pumpkins. We picked out costumes and took them door to door and they made out like bandits.

November 2007 came and the youngest child's 4th birthday approached. Paul had arranged with his ex-wife to let her have the little girl for the first half of the day and we'd get he for the second half (it was our weekend). We planned a party and sent out invitations. That morning he took her to her mom's and came home where I was decorating a bear cake and making food for the party. A few hours later, Paul got a phone call saying that the little girl wasn't coming back to our house. We drove to her house with the car load of cousins we'd picked up and she refused to come outside. Her mom wouldn't release her. We still had the oldest child and we left.

I was pretty upset. I got Paul to pull over at a gas station in town. The oldest kid and the cousins were in my car and Paul was in his truck. I was standing at his window talking to him when his ex-wife came tearing into the parking lot, screaming and cursing at Paul. She told him he was not taking the oldest daughter, either and she got in my car and made her get out. I just stood there, completely stunned. She just kept screaming and cursing and berating Paul. He didn't say much.

We drove to drop off the kids in my car and I sat there and bawled. Paul got in the car with me and held me. I couldn't explain what I was feeling and he didn't really understand why I was crying. This was an important milestone for me... to celebrate a birthday with the children whose lives I was joining... I was furious at their mother. We made our way back home and made several phone calls to let guests know that the party was canceled. We hacked the bear cake to pieces and held each other that night and talked about having babies.

The following weekend we were supposed to have the kids and their mom denied us visitation, so Paul filed the necessary contempt paperwork and we ended up in court. The judge found the kids' mom in contempt and our visitation resumed just in time for Christmas. Our excitement was amplified by the kids' desperation to open their presents. Christmas Eve, I typed up a personalized letter for the kids from Santa and told them they'd find some gifts in the back yard since there was no more room under the tree.

Christmas morning, the kids were wild with excitement. They ran to the tree and saw the letter and opened it quickly. The oldest had just got to the part about the back yard when she took off like a rocket through the house. "Where are you going?!" I shouted, laughing. Paul barely had enough time to sneak into the garage and back through the laundry room into the kitchen to watch the kids peek out the back door and start jumping up and down at the presents they found. It was an awesome Christmas. The kids were so excited and when noon came, we had to return them to their mom's and they didn't want to go. They wanted to stay with us to play with their toys and to be in our house.

After the new year, things were pretty quiet. We got the kids when we were supposed to and our activities were pretty typical. April came and we celebrated the oldest child's ninth birthday with a huge party. Everything was going pretty well. The kids had been shuffled back and forth between homes at their mom's and it was rough on them. Their mom couldn't keep her act together enough to keep them in a one place more than a couple of months. School let out and the kids were anxious to be at our house for the second half of the summer. Paul was in between jobs and was out of the state for the last week, but the kids enjoyed themselves and everything was fine.

Something happened between July and August that caused their mom to start giving Paul grief again. She stopped letting us have the kids and we once again had to go back to court. This time Paul got permission to get the kids in counseling. After some threats from the judge, their mom conceded and we got the kids in counseling and visitation resumed... again. Counseling was good. The kids loved Karla and we learned some stuff, too. Karla said that during conflict the kids felt more at ease going to me or their step-dad than either of their parents. She suggested that I stop intervening when Paul would get into an argument with either kid.

When we eloped in September and the kids found out, things started to fall apart fast. Paul and I were having our own issues and the kids felt the tension. The oldest kid started acting up and the youngest started refusing to come. As I started pulling away from everyone, things progressed to a very bad place. The girls didn't understand why I was suddenly letting their dad handle his own battles and they didn't understand why I wasn't as involved as I had once been.

As more and more lies came out, I slowly started pulling away from Paul, too. I'd put my trust in him only to be burned again and again. He didn't accept responsibility for any of it. He blamed me for the kids not wanting to come and as the counselor had told us, they would direct their anger at the person they felt was the safest. So, as I stopped participating in the parenting as much and as Paul and I fell apart, the girls, especially the oldest, became very angry with me.

When they came for the summer break, I made it clear to Paul that he was in charge. What conversations he had with the kids during this time, I don't know. I'm sure now that at some point he would make some off handed comment to make them think I was mean so they'd think he was the "good guy". Regardless, the girls had been treating us so badly for the last six months prior to that, I was burnt out. For the duration of our relationship, Paul had depended on me to be an active parent. To step in where it wasn't my place to step in and to discipline where it wasn't my place to discipline. When I suddenly stopped after talking with the counselor and with several step-mother's I know, it rocked our world.

The summer break visitation lasted less than a week. The oldest daughter was rude, inconsiderate and completely out of control while she was there. I bit my tongue and let Paul handle it, but that only made the situation worse. The last day they were there started out badly. I had went upstairs to wake the children to get them off to the babysitter so I could work and neither of them would wake up. I shook the youngest and patted her arm and she wouldn't wake up, so I swatted her on the rump. Not hard in the least. She popped up and had no idea that she was in her sister's bed. I had her help me wake up her sister and after shaking her and calling her name, I swatted her on the rump, too. She popped up and asked what the time was. I got them some breakfast and sent them across the street to the babysitters.

Several hours later, they came back and the oldest stomped through the door, came over to me and shouted, "Why did you hit _____?!" I must have looked confused because I asked what she was talking about. "____ said you hit her this morning! You're going to tell me why you did!" Obviously I wasn't thrilled about being spoken to this way by a now ten-year old child. "First of all," I said, "I didn't hit _____. I swatted her on the butt to wake her up, just like I swatted you on the butt. She and I shook you to wake you up and you wouldn't. There is nothing to explain to you, so cool out. Go upstairs and change your clothes. Dad will be home soon." She huffed upstairs and I immediately texted Paul. The babysitter looked at me and said, "I'd have popped her in the mouth."

Later, after Paul had gotten home, he and some of the guys who worked for us were in the backyard messing with the lawn and the girlfriend of one of the employees (who had sat for the kids) was in the kitchen with me. The girls had been playing upstairs and came into the kitchen to ask what was for dinner. I told them we were having spaghetti and they could watch tv in the living room if they wanted to. I never allowed the kids to be in the kitchen while I was cooking when there was open pots of boiling water involved. This was not unusual.

The sitter started talking about very adult subjects and the kids were still in the kitchen. I asked them both to go into the living room, turn on the lamp and watch tv. The youngest went into the living room and tried to turn on the lamp, but couldn't quite get it. The oldest refused to leave the kitchen. After asking her three times to go to the living room, I lost my temper and said, "I need you to listen to me right now. Go to the living room, turn on the lamp and sit on the couch and wait for your dad. I do not appreciate that I've had to ask you several times now." She threw her hands up in the air, huffed off and shouted, "You're so freaking annoying!" That was it. I went outside and told Paul what had happened. He came into the house and we went to the living room and on the couch sat only the youngest girl.

I looked at Paul with tears in my eyes and said, "Honey, I gotta go for a drive. I have to have some space and get some air. I'll be back." He didn't want me to leave, but I had to. I had to have air. I was going to cry and I had a house full of people and I couldn't be there. What happened after I left is still a mystery to me. When I got home, the kids were gone and Paul and I were never the same.

The kids didn't come back after that and months later, Paul tried to reach out to the oldest and she got on the phone with him and cussed him out and told him she hated him and was NEVER coming back to his house. Later they got into a fight through text messages and she said she wasn't coming back to his house to be around his "wife". I was devastated. Paul started talking about signing over his rights after that. I was hurt and said a lot of things I didn't mean. I said that when he started getting the kids again, I was going to stay at my mom's so that they couldn't accuse me of doing something I hadn't done. This offended Paul greatly.

He started getting serious about letting the kids' step-dad adopt them. I thought I was being helpful... he'd taken a friend of his upstairs at our house to show him the kids' stuff and told him he could have first choice of the kids' stuff... I started bagging stuff up. I put together bags of things I really wanted them to have and bags of things to give to charity and bags of things to sell. I did this because I thought it would be too difficult for Paul to do it. Looking back, I guess I can see how he may have taken this the wrong way.

When Paul came home and said he wanted out of our marriage, he threw a million different reasons at me. It wasn't until a week later that the kids came up. He said he missed his kids and I was the reason he didn't have them and no woman was going to stand in the way of him having his kids. I was stunned. I had NEVER asked him to choose. Not once. We had had conversations about having kids of our own and I had made the statement that I felt it would be prudent to wait until the kids were a little older and things were more settled. Paul took this as me not wanting to have kids with him because of his girls. No, I didn't wan to subject a child to the drama of his ex-wife and all that garbage, but we were actively trying to have a child. How could he think for a second that I was refusing to have a baby with him?

Since all of the drama happened, I don't know if Paul's been in contact with the kids at all. I don't know if it was an excuse or if he really felt that it was my fault the kids didn't want to be with him. He failed to remember that for the first year, they came to the house to see me because their relationship with him was so strained.

The kids are not the sole reason Paul and I fell apart. To get to that, you have to look at how things fell apart after we got married. I've had a lot of time to think and some things are starting to become glaringly obvious.

Part six to be continued.

Part Four: Paul's Past and Getting Married

2009-11-20T00:20:00.003-05:00

To understand why gambling was such an issue, you have to go back long before we ever met... even before Paul was born. Paul's parents married young and they soon had a son and then another and then another. In between the births of the boys, Paul's dad struggled with a gambling problem. He says now that he used to take his paycheck on a Friday and go to the pool hall and lose his whole paycheck playing poker. He said that there were times when his mother-in-law would have to buy groceries to feed his family because he'd either gambled or drank away his paycheck. It took a long time for him to get it out of his system, but he eventually did and has since worked hard for every penny he's got.

That being said, Paul's parents both enjoy gambling and frequent casino's dozens of times a year. They took him to Las Vegas before he was legally allowed to set foot in a casino. This was instilled in him very young and since then, he's struggled.

When Paul was seventeen, the girl he was seeing got pregnant. A year later, when the baby was one, the girls parents got a burr up their hind end and told Paul that he would either marry their now seventeen year old daughter or charges would be pressed against him since he was then eighteen. And so he entered in a marriage with a woman he didn't want to be married to. He told me once how trapped he felt. He felt a sense of obligation to his child, but he didn't want all the responsibility that came with it.

The marriage didn't last long. She cheated on him several times and he went to Oklahoma to be with his parents where his dad had been relocated for his job. There he worked at a glass factory and eventually started a construction company. The now ex-wife and baby came out to stay with him for a short time, but it didn't last. I don't know the entire story of what happened with the construction company, but I have been told by various family members that he gambled quite heavily during his time in Oklahoma and took money from a client and used to to gamble. His brother said that he and their cousin had to go to Oklahoma once to bail Paul out of a jam when he spent all the money and couldn't finish a job.

At some point he stole a check from a friend of the family for a thousand dollars and his parents had to pay her off to keep him out of trouble. There were other things going on at this time that have never fully been explained to me. He was facing charges in Indiana, though it is unclear for what and how the time line actually goes. He started seeing a woman, a former cousin-in-law, and lived with her for a while. He said he was with her for over a year, though his ex-wife became pregnant with his second child shortly before he was sent to prison. The time lines have never made sense to me.

Paul told me when we first met that he was a serial monogamous. He likes being in committed relationships. However, when he found out he was being sent away, he broke up with the woman he lived with. When the conception of the second child occurred within the time frame of the relationship with the other woman is still a mystery to me. Paul had various check theft and forgery charges from several people and was eventually put in jail. He spent several months in county jails before being sentenced to eight years at the Miami county Correctional Facility in Bunker Hill, Indiana. I can't imagine the desperation and hopelessness he must have felt.

He seemed to make the most of it, however. He got his associates degree in general studies from Ball State in less than two years and it knocked some time off his sentence, but he still spent three years and eight months of his life locked up without freedom because of poor choices he'd made. He spent some time speaking in public schools to kids about making better choices than he did and seemed to have a passion for it. When he got out in February 2007, he had to readjust to the life outside. Even now, I don't think he really has adjusted. Part of him is still locked behind bars... and it eats at him.

He'd been out of prison just a few months when he met me. He'd barely had time to get a job and start figuring out what he wanted to do with his life when we got engaged and bought a house. Everything was too fast, too soon. But at the time it didn't seem like a mistake. It seemed very much that he was just trying to start his life over and had met a woman he wanted to spend that life with. He was sweet and caring and didn't seem at all like a person capable of doing the things he said he'd done to land him in prison. His family would talk about the man he had been and I couldn't see any of that in the man I was quickly falling in love with.

The first time we went to a casino and every time after, it was nothing for him to lose $200 and want to take more out of the ATM. If I'd win, he'd take half and lose that, too. If I lost, we'd go home broke. There were a few jackpots and that seemed to keep the fire burning. We'd go months without him even mentioning a casino. He'd buy the occasional lottery ticket or play poker online, but that seemed to satisfy him.

And then one night we were at Lowes and Paul suddenly felt like he was having a heart attack. I rushed him to the emergency room and they said he was having a panic attack. A week later his doctor prescribed Xanax and he took them faithfully. The panic attacks seemed to come from nowhere. One minute he'd be fine and the next he'd totally lose it. We would be sitting at home watching a movie and all of a sudden something would trigger a panic attack and I'd have to lay with him for an hour and rub his back or talk to him. Sometimes I could distract him with sex, but for the most part, he just had to be talked down from the cliff.

The Xanax seemed to make all his inhibitions go away. He was soon asking to go to the casino again and for several months, it was binge gambling. He'd go whether I went or not and most of the time he would lose. He'd be tore up and tormented about he money he'd lost, but he wouldn't stop going. The wedding date we'd chosen came and went and we could never come up with enough money to afford it. So September 15, 2008, we went to the courthouse and got a marriage license and went to my brother's and exchanged vows in my brother's living room.

I remember the tears streaming down my face as I looked in his eyes and said, "for better or worse" and "I do". The love I felt for him in that moment took my breath away. I couldn't imagine being any happier! I was finally Mrs. Vaughn and I never wanted to leave his side! Times were tough and money was hard to come by. We'd already maxed out every credit card we'd paid off (some of them twice) and we'd begged my parents to take a mortgage out on their home to help us pay off some debt. But none of that mattered, because I'd finally married the man of my dreams!

He got a job at Tyson and hated it. He was working third shift and the sudden time shift in his schedule was really getting to him. We began talking about moving in with his parents to save money and possibly filing bankruptcy. We couldn't afford the life we'd created anymore. The debt was too large. We felt helpless. As we started staying at his parents house during the week to be closer to our jobs, we found ourselves having less and less time together. Our opposite schedules left little time for connecting. I missed sleeping with him beside me.

After a month and a half of exhaustion and stress and panic attacks, Paul came back to his parents one morning and crashed on the couch. I came in and was sitting on the couch near him when his phone rang. It was unusual for me to answer his phone, but he was sleeping so peacefully that I didn't want it to wake him. It was a local number, so I answered. The woman on the other end of the line said that she was calling to collect a debt, that Paul had written a bad check and it needed to be taken care of immediately.

"Ma'am," I said quite sarcastically, "My husband doesn't have a checking account. There's no way he could have written a check." And then my mind went to the mail I'd gotten a week before. A letter came for Paul from Kroger for 3 bounced checks for varying amounts. He'd convinced me that his identity must have been stolen and went so far as to call Kroger in front of me and ask about how to file an identity theft charge. "I'm afraid he did write a check, Mrs. Vaughn," she said. "It appears to have been written on an E-Trade check." I don't remember what I said to her, but I remember hanging up and throwing the phone at Paul.

"Tell me you didn't do this!" I shouted at him. He woke from his hard sleep immediately. "Didn't do what?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. "You wrote a bad check at Zeibart. And the checks from Kroger... those were yours too?" The room started spinning. For a moment I felt that I was going to throw up. "It's not true! It's not true!" he started to say, but I walked him off. I walked out of the house and drove to our house. He called me almost immediately.

"Honey, I didn't mean to. You have to believe me!" He pleaded. "Did you write check to Kroger?" I asked. "Yes." And then I lost it. I drove to my dad's house and collapsed in his arms and sobbed. I barely made it out that Paul had written over $700 in bad checks. I couldn't make sense of it. I was so lost. It took months for the entire truth to come out. There were more than four bad checks. There was also two gas accounts and a thousand dollar check written to someone. When it was all said and done, there was over $2,000 worth of checks and accounts to clean up.

Paul begged me not to leave him. I was devastated to find out that he'd used the money to gamble at the casino. He said that we were having such a rough time and he had just wanted to win enough money to help us out. He swore he'd never set foot in a casino again. But it didn't last.

Life resumed somehow and we pulled ourselves together enough to make it through that horrible week. Soon after, he told me he'd gotten laid off from his job. They'd just taken a chicken order at the plant and he'd taken money from many of our family and friends. We waited for weeks to find out about the order and to see if he'd get called back. The order finally came in, but none of the chicken Paul said he ordered was in it. He finally admitted that he'd missed the deadline and spent the money. And then he said that he hadn't been laid off, that he'd quit because he "couldn't work in a factory".

Then to add insult to injury, I looked him up on Myspace on a whim and found a second profile that he'd created. Only this one said he was single and that he had two kids and was trying to make a life for himself. He had pictures of him and the kids and left me completely out of it. He had one friend: a girl named Tracy that he'd known in high school. I was furious. I was livid. I was beyond hurt. I felt betrayed. I demanded answers and got nothing. I packed his things and left them for him in the living room.

He came home and saw his clothes all packed up and he begged to stay. After all, it was almost Christmas. He said there was no bad intentions on his part for the profile and he hadn't meant to lie to me about the chicken or being laid off. He had just lied because he didn't want to hurt me. My head was spinning. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the back... but I loved him. Even after all the hell he'd put me through... I loved him and I let him stay.

We'd been married less than 3 months and already it seemed like everything was falling apart. When we were only living together, he told me the truth, he (as far as I know) was completely faithful and he loved me desperately. Add marriage and complete commitment to the equation and he lost it. Things with the kids started getting really bad at this point and then it all went down hill fast.

Part Five to be continued.

Part Three: The First Year

2009-11-19T02:00:00.003-05:00

Living together, at first, was exciting. We went crazy and bought a brand new refrigerator and washer and dryer. We got a bed and a couch and 80% of our furniture and housewares were brand new. We purchased just about everything on credit. Soon, the house was looking like a home. We slowly painted and decorated and put the house in order. Paul's oldest daughter was given a room that she painted pink and the youngest daughter had the room that was already painted blue. Because we didn't have furniture for them, the first few months they spent every other weekend on an air mattress.

The new wore off for me when I found myself going to work at 7 each morning, coming home for an hour during the middle of the day to do a load of laundry and trying to catch some lunch, then rushing back to work until 5 and coming home to finish the laundry, clean the house and start dinner before Paul got home... when he had a job, that was.

The fact that for many months we were a one-income family weighed heavily on the activities we participated in. We had a $500+ mortgage, a $150 second mortgage, utilities and child support to figure out and it never really occurred to us to make a budget. I got $600 every two weeks and he got some money here and there when he worked. We used credit cards for everything else.

Over time, it wasn't as fun. I loved going to bed with him each night and waking up to him each morning and there was nothing greater than sitting on the couch with him, cuddled up watching a movie. We could run around the house, throwing things at each other, make love in every room, invite friends over whenever we wanted... but I got fussy when I realized that I was not only expected to work all day, but also handle all of the household tasks. I didn't mind and to be honest, really felt that it was my place to take care of our home, but I hadn't expected that included cleaning up after a grown man and picking his socks and underwear up off the floor.

We had lots of good times, don't get me wrong. We took the kids to a pumpkin patch and carved pumpkins on the front porch. We took the kids trick-or-treating and Paul got a job at a local HVAC company. It was about this time that Paul decided his little car wasn't cutting it and he wanted a truck. Obviously, this is not something we could afford. We looked around and decided to get a small, little, piddly $10,000 loan. Why so much? We paid off a few credit cards and bought the kids' Christmas. The nearly $400 a month payment seemed doable.

Christmas was exciting and the girls' faces that Christmas morning made everything worth while. Looking back, it wasn't about things so much as it was the first Christmas Paul had ever had with his youngest child and the first he'd had with his oldest in four years. It was important to him... and as the relationship between myself and the girls was still in the beginning stages, it was important to me, too, that they enjoy themselves.

Our first New Years together was kind of boring. I didn't even get a kiss at midnight. It was sometime between Halloween and New Years that I started keeping a journal. At the time, I was really struggling with self-esteem issues. I was so smitten with Paul and found him so attractive, I had no idea why he was interested in an overweight, slightly neurotic pre-school teacher. Playing house was fun though... and we did it well.

By January, Paul had been fired from his job for a while and we were really struggling to pay bills. The credit cards we'd paid off were maxed out again and we were having trouble trying to figure out what to do. It seemed like we were on the cusp of losing everything. To say that things were tense would be an understatement.

Our first Valentines Day was not very exciting. I got Paul a card and planned a special dinner, but he was busy. Too busy to pay much attention to his fiance. We had planned on being married in May, but as the date approached, we realized we would never be able to afford it. We celebrated our first anniversary at a casino. The first I'd ever been to. If I could go back, that's the one thing I would undo quicker than anything else. I'd have never taken that first step into a world of gambling. Maybe if I hadn't, Paul's past demons wouldn't have found him so quickly.

Part four to be continued.

Part Two: The Proposal

2009-11-18T16:08:00.002-05:00

When I got home, I was positive I wanted to see this man again. He had given me butterflies in a way I'd never had before. He literally made me weak at the knees. I had barely made it upstairs to my bedroom and turned on my laptop when I got a message from him. "I really wanted to kiss you tonight," he said. "Can I see you again?"

A few days later, I had to see him. I drove to his town and he met me at another Wal-Mart and we sat in my car in the parking lot. We talked and laughed and before he left, he leaned in and kissed me. I laughed in his face! I was HORRIFIED! My nerves got the better of me and instead of butterflies, I got the giggles! He looked at me like I was crazy. He got out of the car and started toward his own vehicle and was sweet enough to lean through the window and kiss me again. I tried desperately to hold back the nervous laughter and failed miserably. Later, he told me that he thought I was making fun of him. It took a lot of convincing and many, many kisses to convince him otherwise.

The following week, we had our second date and I introduced him to my parents. We went to see a play that a co-worker of mine was in. We got some dinner and went to my church where we made out. I know it's horrible that we made out at my church, but that's what happened. This father of two who had been incarcerated for almost 4 years... was quite intrigued by all the kissing... and it was very apparent. We did not have sex that night. But I really wanted to. That kind of scared me. I was a firm believer in waiting until you were married for sex... or at least being in love.

He spent the night at my house, sleeping in my bed while I slept downstairs. I wanted to be laying next to him. The desire was so strong. I craved him.

It would be more than a month before we made love for the first time. Soon I was spending almost every night at his parents place where he was living. The night spent away from him were agony. I missed him being next to me. I missed waking up in his arms. I missed waking up in the middle of the night to make feverish, passionate love.

Somewhere during this time, we started talking about buying a house. I can't quite remember why. We just wanted to be together. His credit was shot, so we agreed that I would buy the house and he would help pay for it. We started looking at houses in the town where I was a teacher and we found the perfect one. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms and an amazing kitchen. We were SO excited! We put in a bid and waited for the approval.

In late July, I found out I was going to be going on a business trip to New York. The night before I was to board a plane to fly away for 4 days, he asked to take me to dinner. He took me to the restaurant where we'd had our first date. We ordered our beverages and he got up to use the men's room. Five hundred years later, he came back. He had just sat down when a waitress came to our table and asked if we would mind moving tables because a large party was coming in and they wanted to push some tables together. I didn't think much about it.

They moved us to the other side of the restaurant. It must have been the "lunch" side because no one was over there with us. We ordered our food and had dinner and nothing was unusual. We talked about how much we'd miss each other when I left and then he took my hands in his and told me what he remembered about our first date... about what I was wearing and how much he loved me.

He stood up and got something out of his pocket, got down on one knee, right there in the restaurant and held out my grandmother's wedding ring. "Will you spend the rest of your life with me? Will you marry me?" he asked. First my eyes filled with tears and then I started to laugh. I kissed him as he put the ring on my finger. Everything was falling into place... and we'd only known each other three and a half months.

After dinner, he took me to play putt putt golf. It seems funny now that moments after proposing, we were playing golf with him all dressed up and me in a skirt. We were on our way back to his place when a song came on the radio. "Hey there, Delilah, what's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do. Times Square can't shine as bright as you. I swear it's true. Hey there, Delilah, don't you worry about the distance. I'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen, close your eyes. Listen to my voice, it's my disguise. I'm by your side." From that moment on, that was our song. It helped that we heard it several more times before the night was through.

The following morning, I was on an airplane and hundreds of miles away from the love of my life. I enjoyed the trip, but missed him desperately. The moment I got home from the airport, I barely said hello to my family before rushing to be with him. He's the only one I wanted to see.

Weeks later, we were approved for the house and the night we got the keys, we took some pillows and blankets and spent the night on the floor of our new bedroom. I remember asking him if he thought we'd grow old in that house. He smiled, leaned toward me and wrapped me up in his strong embrace. "You never know, babe. Could be." he said before making love to me for the first time in our new home.

If I had only known then that the dream would end... and would eventually turn into a nightmare...

Part three to come.

A First-time Ex-wife

2009-11-18T08:51:00.001-05:00

My name used to be Mrs. Vaughn, but my soon-to-be ex-husband changed all that. In fact, he has changed nearly every aspect of my life since he came home on a Friday night and announced that he wanted to separate. This blog will chronicle my "stages of grief" as well as the struggles I face as I become his "second ex-wife".

My story begins the same as anyone else, I suppose. I met a man and fell in love. Our love happened fast and we went from strangers to lovers before we truly got to know one another. Maybe that was part of our downfall. Looking back, it's hard to tell where it all started falling apart.

We met online on April 18, 2007. I was packing, getting ready to go on a road trip to visit a friend in Baltimore. In less than an hour, this strange man had not only told me his entire life story, he'd successfully freaked me out. He told me he'd just gotten out of prison where he'd spent nearly four years for forgery. He seemed repentant and I didn't think very much about it. We all make mistakes, right? He said he had a crazy ex-wife and two little girls that he was trying to get to know again. "Single father", I thought, "dunno about that one"...

By the end of the conversation, I was less than moved. I resumed my travel preparations and left shortly after. My trip was fairly uneventful. When the friend I'd went to visit, Steve, came to see me at my hotel, I had my laptop on the desk with messenger open. Steve had brought his guitar and was playing music for me. He used my laptop to look up guitar chords when a screen popped up. "Hello, honey!" it said. I looked at Steve and he asked if I needed to reply. "No", I said. "It's just some weird guy from back home who hit on me a few days ago."

After returning home, the mystery man continued to send messages. I replied now and then, but didn't truly have much to say. Somehow his persistence wore me down and I found myself willingly giving him my phone number and being amused and intrigued when I first heard his voice. He eventually asked me out and all kinds of warning bells went off in my head. I figured this guy had no idea what he was truly asking, so I sent him a picture of myself from head to toe thinking that the fact that I wasn't a twig would certainly change his tune. "Can I take you to dinner and a movie?" he asked after seeing the picture.

May 18, exactly a month after his first message, I nervously drove to a nearby city Wal-Mart and went inside. I had told him he'd have to find me and if he didn't like what he saw, he could leave and I'd never have to actually face him. It seemed like a good idea at the time. (I later learned he was not at all impressed with my brilliant plan.) I wandered around for less than fifteen minutes when my phone rang. "I see you!" he said. I stopped dead in my tracks and started frantically looking in every direction. "Nice pigtails."

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man on a cell phone. He started walking toward me and I did an about face and started walking in the general direction of the door. He walked right beside me. "Gonna look at me?" he asked. "CRAP!" I thought to myself. "He's friggin' cute!"

He led me to the truck he'd driven there. He had borrowed it from his dad. The truck, of course, was HUGE and I, being 5'2", had to have both the running board steppy-thing AND the hand grabber-thing to get myself up and into the cab. He tried to help me in and all I could think was, "My butt is going to be RIGHT IN HIS FACE!!!" We made it to the restaurant without me making any serious faux pas.

Dinner was... interesting. I had no idea what to say, but the conversation was light and easy. He made it uncomplicated to just chat and feel comfortable. At one point, I thought I'd be slick and take his picture with my cell phone. Sadly, I'd forgotten to turn off the flash and I was totally busted. I was SO embarrassed! He laughed at me and promised I could take his picture later to get approval from my girl friends. I was sure that after dinner, he'd be a big hurry to get me and my camera phone back to my car and far away from him, but when the check came, he sweetly asked if I cared to catch a movie.

This time, he didn't try to help me in the truck and I was eternally grateful. The drive to the theater was short. The movie began and turned out to be kind of lame, but things got very interesting when he reached for my hand. Butterflies, swoons and heart palpitations all set forth in a grand fashion and he just smiled at me as I squirmed in my seat. "You okay?" he asked. "Yes!" I answered a little too quickly. He just chuckled to himself and kept on holding my hand.

After the movie, he drove me back to my car and I wondered if he was going to kiss me. I was kind of disappointed when he didn't, but chocked it up to him being a gentleman. I got out of the truck and into my car and drove away wondering if I'd ever hear from him again. I wasn't ten miles down the road when my phone rang. "Miss me yet?" he asked. I couldn't wipe the grin from my face. I knew that from that moment on, this man was going to be part of my life... and I couldn't wait to see what happened next.

Part two to come.