Had a pretty bad panic attack tonight. Still trying to calm myself down. There's a lot of crap all built up in my head. So much stress. I'm so worried about Zoey... and Paul. I'm freaking out about having money for Christmas... about having money to pay bills... I'm worried about what's going to happen with all this business crap and the bankruptcy.
A friend of mine said she could help me get a job where I'd have insurance and actually make decent money. I'm going to take her up on the offer. It means I have to stay in Indiana a little longer than I'd wanted. If I stay for another year, I may be able to get all the medical crap taken care of. I'll be able to pay my bills and save up some money.
I'm going to visit a friend in Tennessee in a week or two. I have to get away. I have to go someplace if just for a a few nights... to get all this garbage out of my head. I wish I could say more... but I can't.
I keep working on the book. I'm getting to some hard parts and I find myself getting angry. I don't cry much anymore... but I just get so pissed at Paul for the stupid, heartless, idiotic crap he did. I'm furious that I held on for so long while he ruined his life and mine. Some of me wants to hate him, but I just can't bring myself to care enough about him to hate him.
Why do I panic? Because I was 100% committed to a life that didn't exist. It was all an illusion created by a crazy, hateful, heartless man. And I loved him. I dedicated my life to him. And it ended and I didn't see it coming. I knew I wasn't happy and that I wanted him to stop being a dick, but I never would have dreamed he'd do the horrible things he's done.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing.
A friend of mine said she could help me get a job where I'd have insurance and actually make decent money. I'm going to take her up on the offer. It means I have to stay in Indiana a little longer than I'd wanted. If I stay for another year, I may be able to get all the medical crap taken care of. I'll be able to pay my bills and save up some money.
I'm going to visit a friend in Tennessee in a week or two. I have to get away. I have to go someplace if just for a a few nights... to get all this garbage out of my head. I wish I could say more... but I can't.
I keep working on the book. I'm getting to some hard parts and I find myself getting angry. I don't cry much anymore... but I just get so pissed at Paul for the stupid, heartless, idiotic crap he did. I'm furious that I held on for so long while he ruined his life and mine. Some of me wants to hate him, but I just can't bring myself to care enough about him to hate him.
Why do I panic? Because I was 100% committed to a life that didn't exist. It was all an illusion created by a crazy, hateful, heartless man. And I loved him. I dedicated my life to him. And it ended and I didn't see it coming. I knew I wasn't happy and that I wanted him to stop being a dick, but I never would have dreamed he'd do the horrible things he's done.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing.
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