Spent about 2 hours texting with a friend tonight. We've known each other for almost a year now. He worked for Paul and I. Paul had me pretty convinced that he was only using me to keep his job and wasn't really my friend. Well, as it stands right now, there's nothing I can do for him and he's still around. We've been through similar things with our spouses. His wife cheated on him with multiple men. We've talked a bit about the crap we've gone through. It's been nice to have someone to talk to whose been in my shoes.
I wish I didn't think about Paul every day. Right now I'm stuck because I have to deal with him in some form until the divorce is final. Unless he ends up in jail before then. The thoughts I have about Paul aren't warm and fuzzy by any means. This man is cruel, cold-hearted and has treated me like garbage for the better part of our relationship. It wasn't all bad by any means, but there were certainly more bad times than good.
What's so sad is that all of it was preventable. Paul didn't have to cheat. He didn't have to lie. He didn't have to gamble and be completely irresponsible. Those were all CHOICES. He CHOSE to be a lying, cheating, piece of shit. He CHOSE that. He thinks he's changed, but he's fooling himself. He's still doing the same crap and will continue to do so probably until he's behind bars. It's such a waste.
Texting tonight, I felt like maybe there's a little hope out there for me. I'm not implying something between me and text-boy, it's not like that at ALL. I'm just saying that I feel like there's hope that someday I'll meet a GOOD man who isn't so self-centered that he throws the people who love him under the bus to serve his own needs. I'll meet a man who LOVES me and cherishes me. We'll have the wedding I always dreamed of. I'll wear the big fluffy dress and stand before our family and friends and make that covenant vow.
Yes, I made those vows to another man... but he broke his promise and he threw his vows away. He spat in God's face and mine. His sins will find him out and me... I'll move on and God will heal my heart and let it love again. And I'll love him wholly and completely and without fear. Paul taught me a lot about myself... and a lot about what I don't want in a partner.
Someone asked me if I'd ever take Paul back. The answer is NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. It's going to take a lifetime for Paul to get to the place he needs to be. I have no doubt he'll harm others and inflict pain on innocent people for many years to come. He'll live in his self-made world of lies, deception and stupidity until he finds himself face down on the floor. He'll lose everything he has. Everything he touches will fail until he does right by the people he's harmed. He doesn't see it and right now he doesn't care. But someday he will.
Life is a big, scary thing and it's way too short to let people in your life who don't deserve to be there. Paul didn't deserve me. He got lucky when he met me. He'll regret the things he's done someday and it's too late to turn back. That's something he'll have to live with. Someday he'll look me up and he'll apologize for the hell he put me through. He'll acknowledge the things he's done and he'll stop hiding. Someday.
Until then, I'll go on living and make an amazing life for myself. Not for Paul. Not for some future mystery man. But for myself. I haven't lived for myself in a long time. Now is the time to begin.
I wish I didn't think about Paul every day. Right now I'm stuck because I have to deal with him in some form until the divorce is final. Unless he ends up in jail before then. The thoughts I have about Paul aren't warm and fuzzy by any means. This man is cruel, cold-hearted and has treated me like garbage for the better part of our relationship. It wasn't all bad by any means, but there were certainly more bad times than good.
What's so sad is that all of it was preventable. Paul didn't have to cheat. He didn't have to lie. He didn't have to gamble and be completely irresponsible. Those were all CHOICES. He CHOSE to be a lying, cheating, piece of shit. He CHOSE that. He thinks he's changed, but he's fooling himself. He's still doing the same crap and will continue to do so probably until he's behind bars. It's such a waste.
Texting tonight, I felt like maybe there's a little hope out there for me. I'm not implying something between me and text-boy, it's not like that at ALL. I'm just saying that I feel like there's hope that someday I'll meet a GOOD man who isn't so self-centered that he throws the people who love him under the bus to serve his own needs. I'll meet a man who LOVES me and cherishes me. We'll have the wedding I always dreamed of. I'll wear the big fluffy dress and stand before our family and friends and make that covenant vow.
Yes, I made those vows to another man... but he broke his promise and he threw his vows away. He spat in God's face and mine. His sins will find him out and me... I'll move on and God will heal my heart and let it love again. And I'll love him wholly and completely and without fear. Paul taught me a lot about myself... and a lot about what I don't want in a partner.
Someone asked me if I'd ever take Paul back. The answer is NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. It's going to take a lifetime for Paul to get to the place he needs to be. I have no doubt he'll harm others and inflict pain on innocent people for many years to come. He'll live in his self-made world of lies, deception and stupidity until he finds himself face down on the floor. He'll lose everything he has. Everything he touches will fail until he does right by the people he's harmed. He doesn't see it and right now he doesn't care. But someday he will.
Life is a big, scary thing and it's way too short to let people in your life who don't deserve to be there. Paul didn't deserve me. He got lucky when he met me. He'll regret the things he's done someday and it's too late to turn back. That's something he'll have to live with. Someday he'll look me up and he'll apologize for the hell he put me through. He'll acknowledge the things he's done and he'll stop hiding. Someday.
Until then, I'll go on living and make an amazing life for myself. Not for Paul. Not for some future mystery man. But for myself. I haven't lived for myself in a long time. Now is the time to begin.
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