Tonight's been back and forth. Spent a few hours talking with a good friend and laughing pretty hard... and then spent an hour unable to get comfortable from the cramping. Even now... the ache sucks. The first time was hard enough, but at least then, I had Paul nearby. Close enough that I could get him to hold me for a little bit. It's hard to be here alone, dealing with this.
I miss Paul. Not the current douchebag version, but the guy I met who would kick this guy's ass for how he's treated me. I miss the man who held me while I slept. the man that made up ridiculous expressions just to make me laugh. I miss the guy who took me the movies and let me cop a feel. I miss the guy who would drive me to a deserted place and make me crazy. I miss laughing with him and hanging out. I miss the guy who was my friend.
My Paul disappeared a long time ago. Shortly before we got married, something shifted. All the while he was writing bad checks to go gamble... he was drifting back into his old ways. We were doing so well and he threw it all away. He loved gambling more than he loved me. His addiction and his lies will destroy him. They already have. They took a good man and turned him into this sad, son of a bitch who screwed so many people over... who cheated on his wife... who was cruel and mean just because he could be.
For half a second tonight, I wondered what I'd do if he somehow he reappeared. I think I'd hug him tight and kiss him and turn around and walk away. He'll never understand what he's done. I think he's gone so manic at this point, he's convinced himself that he truly doesn't care. He still blames everyone else for the things that HE has done.
I wasn't innocent in all this. I made mistakes, too. But I didn't deserve this. After I lost the baby in March... I slipped into a depression that I never fully came out of. It just got worst as Paul got worse. As the lies snowballed into all these horrible truths... it just got deeper and deeper. Many of the events that occurred over the last nine months, I think Paul would probably deny ever happened. Maybe there's a part of him that is ashamed of what he did and he's trying to block it out. Maybe that's just me trying to humanize him.
Tonight, I don't think I'd care much which version of Paul it was... I just don't want to be alone dealing with this. Friends are great and I'm so thankful for them, but I need my husband back if just for one night to hold me again. In a year's time, I've lost two babies, one husband, a home, a business, an income and my entire identity. When am I going to stop losing things? I just can't do this right now. I can't deal with this.
I was getting through the divorce, actually relieved to be done with Paul... with this stupid, lying piece of crap he's become... this is the last thing I wanted to deal with. And I have to do it alone. I just don't understand. Why is all of this happening? Why did the good man I knew go away? Everyone keeps telling me he never existed and that's almost worse to think about. Because if he didn't really exist... then I'm just an idiot for believing his lies.
I can't fucking breathe. I'm just so pissed off at everything.
I miss Paul. Not the current douchebag version, but the guy I met who would kick this guy's ass for how he's treated me. I miss the man who held me while I slept. the man that made up ridiculous expressions just to make me laugh. I miss the guy who took me the movies and let me cop a feel. I miss the guy who would drive me to a deserted place and make me crazy. I miss laughing with him and hanging out. I miss the guy who was my friend.
My Paul disappeared a long time ago. Shortly before we got married, something shifted. All the while he was writing bad checks to go gamble... he was drifting back into his old ways. We were doing so well and he threw it all away. He loved gambling more than he loved me. His addiction and his lies will destroy him. They already have. They took a good man and turned him into this sad, son of a bitch who screwed so many people over... who cheated on his wife... who was cruel and mean just because he could be.
For half a second tonight, I wondered what I'd do if he somehow he reappeared. I think I'd hug him tight and kiss him and turn around and walk away. He'll never understand what he's done. I think he's gone so manic at this point, he's convinced himself that he truly doesn't care. He still blames everyone else for the things that HE has done.
I wasn't innocent in all this. I made mistakes, too. But I didn't deserve this. After I lost the baby in March... I slipped into a depression that I never fully came out of. It just got worst as Paul got worse. As the lies snowballed into all these horrible truths... it just got deeper and deeper. Many of the events that occurred over the last nine months, I think Paul would probably deny ever happened. Maybe there's a part of him that is ashamed of what he did and he's trying to block it out. Maybe that's just me trying to humanize him.
Tonight, I don't think I'd care much which version of Paul it was... I just don't want to be alone dealing with this. Friends are great and I'm so thankful for them, but I need my husband back if just for one night to hold me again. In a year's time, I've lost two babies, one husband, a home, a business, an income and my entire identity. When am I going to stop losing things? I just can't do this right now. I can't deal with this.
I was getting through the divorce, actually relieved to be done with Paul... with this stupid, lying piece of crap he's become... this is the last thing I wanted to deal with. And I have to do it alone. I just don't understand. Why is all of this happening? Why did the good man I knew go away? Everyone keeps telling me he never existed and that's almost worse to think about. Because if he didn't really exist... then I'm just an idiot for believing his lies.
I can't fucking breathe. I'm just so pissed off at everything.
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