I have had the same song on repeat for weeks now. There's something about it that perfectly describes the intense pain I've been working through. I grieve for my husband as though he had died. The extreme personality shift that occurred with Paul turned him into someone I didn't know. It was gradual at first and then all of a sudden, he was this totally different person. Little pieces of the old Paul would show up now and then, but as quickly as they appeared, they'd go away again.
I miss him. I've missed him for so long. In writing the book... I've remembered the man he used to be and as painful as it is to remember, it's something I never want to forget. I was so in love with that man. He was the love of my life. He was good to me and treated me like I was his to lose. In writing, the change has become more clear. I'm having to face the bad times... the ones I was too ashamed to write about in blogs... and I see more now than ever that he did change. And it happened a lot quicker than I thought.
Every time I have to see him now, I get sick. It's my Paul's body, but that's not my Paul. My Paul left a very long time ago and he's never coming back. How do you get over losing your partner? I thought our love was fireproof... until we found ourselves in a fire and he let go of my hand. He left me there to fend for myself. It didn't happen when we got married. It didn't happen in the last six months... I lost my Paul after we'd been together less than a year.
It was easy for him to do the right thing when life was easy... but when things got difficult, it was more than he could handle and he went back to his old ways. Slowly his mind shifted and he went from seeing things for how they really were... to whatever warped perception he now has. This guy that he is now is a ticking time bomb. I'm getting out before he explodes... but that doesn't really protect me.
I want to be angry at God for putting him in my life to begin with. It was a total fluke that we even met. There has to be a purpose behind it... it wasn't an accident. But surely God wouldn't have put Paul in my life to break my heart and destroy my dreams, right? What was the purpose? What was the point of all this? It's so hard to be thankful... even for the good times we had together. It's hard to be thankful for knowing the good Paul that I did... because it hurts so much that he's gone now. Especially considering what he was replaced with.
I just wish all of this made more sense. I wish it were more black and white. But most of all, I wish I would stop grieving for the man I lost and stop looking for him in the man he has become.
Maybe the miscarriage is finally taking it's toll on me. I only really cried when it happened and when I told Paul. His reaction tore me up pretty bad. It's been so sporadic. One minute I'm fine and the next minute... I think about the little babies that I've lost and all I want is to be with them. I've lost so much this year... it's almost too much to bear.
I miss him. I've missed him for so long. In writing the book... I've remembered the man he used to be and as painful as it is to remember, it's something I never want to forget. I was so in love with that man. He was the love of my life. He was good to me and treated me like I was his to lose. In writing, the change has become more clear. I'm having to face the bad times... the ones I was too ashamed to write about in blogs... and I see more now than ever that he did change. And it happened a lot quicker than I thought.
Every time I have to see him now, I get sick. It's my Paul's body, but that's not my Paul. My Paul left a very long time ago and he's never coming back. How do you get over losing your partner? I thought our love was fireproof... until we found ourselves in a fire and he let go of my hand. He left me there to fend for myself. It didn't happen when we got married. It didn't happen in the last six months... I lost my Paul after we'd been together less than a year.
It was easy for him to do the right thing when life was easy... but when things got difficult, it was more than he could handle and he went back to his old ways. Slowly his mind shifted and he went from seeing things for how they really were... to whatever warped perception he now has. This guy that he is now is a ticking time bomb. I'm getting out before he explodes... but that doesn't really protect me.
I want to be angry at God for putting him in my life to begin with. It was a total fluke that we even met. There has to be a purpose behind it... it wasn't an accident. But surely God wouldn't have put Paul in my life to break my heart and destroy my dreams, right? What was the purpose? What was the point of all this? It's so hard to be thankful... even for the good times we had together. It's hard to be thankful for knowing the good Paul that I did... because it hurts so much that he's gone now. Especially considering what he was replaced with.
I just wish all of this made more sense. I wish it were more black and white. But most of all, I wish I would stop grieving for the man I lost and stop looking for him in the man he has become.
Maybe the miscarriage is finally taking it's toll on me. I only really cried when it happened and when I told Paul. His reaction tore me up pretty bad. It's been so sporadic. One minute I'm fine and the next minute... I think about the little babies that I've lost and all I want is to be with them. I've lost so much this year... it's almost too much to bear.
"I reached for you this morning,
Woke up with empty arms
Once again, it's sinking in
How far away you are
I still pour two cups of coffee
And tell you all about my dreams.
This kitchen's way too quiet,
You should still be here with me.
And even though I cry like crazy
Even it hurts so bad
I'm thankful for the time God gave me
Even through we couldn't make it last
I'm learning how to live without you
Even though I don't want to.
And even with you gone
Love lives on."
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