Babysitting

I'm sitting at my brother & sister-in-law's house. My brother had surgery today for a hernia or something with his stomach, I'm not sure. Anyway, he has not been able to urinate, so my sister-in-law took him to the ER. I got a call a few hours ago and rushed over to be with Molly. She's asleep, of course. I ask that you remember my brother, Dave, if your prayers.

I've sent the first few chapters of the book I'm writing to some friends. We'll see if they hate it. Heh. I emailed Paul and asked him for some info, but he has yet to email me back. I kind of figure he won't. At that point, I guess I get to take creative liberties, right? Just kidding.

Writing about everything has been very cathartic. I will never understand why Paul pretended to be someone he wasn't for over a year and why he MARRIED me knowing he would never be able to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities that come with being a husband. I will never understand why he has told lie after lie and put himself and the one person on the planet who was willing to put up with him--even when he was tearing her apart--in harm's way. I will never understand why he decided to cheat. Why he told people we were separated and divorcing BEFORE HE TOLD ME! I'll never understand.

What I do understand is that I loved that stupid man for the last two and a half years. I loved him enough to overlook every mean, hurtful, manipulative thing he did and hope with all my might that he'd stop and be the man I met. I loved him so much that I stayed when I felt like I'd done all that I could do. I'd pack my bags and he'd beg me to stay. It was all a game to him.

Writing about how we met and the dates and events that happened after have caused me to see a lot of things I didn't see at the time. Talking with friends and family about the person I was and the person I am now... it's really a wake-up call. Yes, there is still a part of me that sometimes hopes that he'll call and it'll be the old Paul. But that tiny, dying breath is ever fading. I deserved so much better than he was willing to give. He didn't deserve the love I gave him and he'll have to live with the fact that he threw it away.

He may not see it now... but someday he'll regret what he's done. I don't foresee him regretting it any time in the near future... but someday. Life has a way of catching up with us and making us wiser. Paul will have that a-ha moment and his whole life will flash before his eyes and he'll have to take responsibility for his actions. The wave is already in motion. God is moving in that man's life, whether he realizes it or not.

Sometimes God lets us get just about to the end of our rope before He reels us back in. Paul's dangling on the cusp and if he doesn't reach for something solid, he's going to fall. Maybe that's what he needs. I can't help but see him a year down the line. I see myself getting word from one of the cousins that he's back in prison. I see him asking someone to give me his address to write him. Will I?

I will pray for Paul every day of my life. I'll love him... in a way. I'll remember the man I fell in love with just as much as I'll remember the man who trampled my heart. If he goes back to prison? I don't know. I don't know if I'd have the strength to let him have one more piece of me. I have to move on and I can't do that if I'm still clinging to the past. That being said... if I got a letter from him from prison... there's a good chance he'd get one back. Whether it was one from me or a "return to sender" is hard to say at this point. God will work on me when the time comes. And I see it coming soon.

But maybe that's just the part of me that holds on to the hope that somewhere in the midst of all the lies and deceit that somewhere in there, he did have love for me. The fact that he neither recognizes, nor apologizes for what he's done... well, it speaks volumes about his character. If a man can have a woman who loves him heart and soul and can lay in bed with her every night and still lie to her face and see other women... and then deny it all? Maybe there was only a well calculated plan and never love. Maybe I had "sucker" stamped on my forehead. I will probably never know.

There were times when I saw something in him... a glimmer of hope... something that told me that God WAS working on him. I'd see the look in his eye during alter call, knowing he was itching to run to the alter. When he'd get caught in a lie... every now and then there was a shred of remorse. He'd apologize, yes... but they were just words. I always wanted to believe that one day he'd finally get it, that one day he'd FINALLY see that he didn't have to live like that. But he never did.

There are those around me who think he has no soul... those who think he must not have a heart or conscience. They think I'm crazy to say that he still has a chance for redemption. While he doesn't have a chance to redeem himself and get his wife back, he still has the chance to redeem himself and make a better LIFE for himself and his children... it's right in front of him. All he has to do is REACH for it. Easier said than done, I know.

I want him to come out of this in the end a better person, but until he sheds the crap off his soul and digs his way out of the hole he's dug, he's just going to become more angry, bitter and continue to waste his life. People ask me what he's been up to and I have the same response: I don't know and I can't care. If I care, I'll try to help him... and he can't be helped. He has to fall on his face or he'll never learn. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

There are moments when I feel like I'm completely over all this nonsense. And then someone talks about the possibility of me having a date or seeing someone else. I've been asked... but until the divorce is final and probably even after, I'm still Paul's wife. I never asked not to be. He made the decision for me that our marriage would be irreparably destroyed by his infidelity, lies and selfishness. It will take time to come to the place where I am ready to look at another man and not think of Paul and my covenant vow to him.

Marriage wasn't meant to end... but spouses also aren't meant to stray. Mine did and I am having to learn quickly how to pick up the pieces and move on. It isn't easy and I know it's going to be a long and winding road... but I thank God that I'm not doing it alone. Without the love and support of my friends and family, there's no telling what might have happened to me.

There are no answers that come quickly enough to soothe my troubled mind, but there is hope that one day I'll stop looking and just bask in the truth that I am strong and my love was not in vain.