Writing

My finger is better. Still sore, but usable. (Until I go to rub my nose and then I remember.)

I'm writing a book. About divorce. It's my story with Paul. So far I'm about twenty chapters in. You know... I always wanted to write a book. Whether this ever turns into anything is a mystery, but for now... it's very healing.

I was so in love with that man. Head over heels, out of my mind, over the moon in love with him. We were so happy. It's easier to remember the good times than to linger over the bad. That doesn't mean I forget all that's happened... it just means that sometimes it's better to remember the parts that don't hurt.

I had a long talk with a friend tonight. He knows Paul very well. He wants answers, too. But there really aren't any. There's no definite reason for why Paul did the things he did. I don't think Paul even really knows. I know one thing for sure: He never set out to hurt anyone. I may be some crap for saying that, but I believe it to be true. Paul has never intentionally set out with the plan to harm someone. I think sometimes when things started to go South... instead of pulling back, he just kept going, knowing it was wrong.

I don't know. I think there's much I'll never know. Much I probably don't want to know.

I guess the girl he was involved with has moved on. Whether she and Paul are still going at it, I don't know, but she's definitely started talking to a few other guys. I almost feel bad for her husband, except that he did beat on her and she didn't deserve that, no matter how many guys she screwed around with behind his back.

I was asked point blank how I can forgive Paul. The honest truth is that I haven't totally... I just know that if I hold on to anger, it's going to eat me alive. It doesn't hurt him if I'm hurting. It doesn't affect him at all, if I'm crying into my pillow or so pissed off that I want to slap him. He doesn't care. So why cry? Why be mad? It doesn't change anything.

That doesn't stop me from grieving or being sad for how things turned out... but it does give me a little comfort.

I still can't quite wrap my mind around the thought of being with another man. I hadn't ever planned on being with anybody else. Ever. Part of me is all gung-ho, ready to let people set me up and all that... but in reality, I know I'm not ready for any of that. If the right man came along, he'd have to be patient and know that it's going to take me a while to be there.

I've got a new friend right now... who is more interested than I'm comfortable with. I won't even let him call me on the phone because it feels wrong. It's gonna take some time.

Sunday I'm going over to the house to go over some paperwork with Paul. I've made a list of agreements and whatnot. We're trading vehicles and I'm taking him some more stuff and possibly picking up a few more things. It'll sort of be the final chance to lay everything out on the table. Part of me wants to hug him close... to kiss him and remember the man I loved. Part of me doesn't want him to touch me. We'll see how it goes.

I plan on taking another pregnancy test while I'm there. So we can know once and for all... if it's positive, I'll keep my doctor's appointment. If it's not... then I'll whisper a small prayer of thanks and Paul will probably do a happy dance and we'll go from there.

There have been a lot of thoughts I've had over the last couple of days that I've wanted to share with Paul. Nothing spectacular, but memories and thoughts... writing this book, some things are fuzzy and he has an excellent memory. He said he'd help, but one day only.

I'm not sure why he doesn't want to talk to me after Sunday. He talks like he'll be fine once the divorce is final, but not before. I don't understand that, either. I'd be more inclined to be his friend right now... because there's so much stuff we have to get through before the divorce will even be filed.

Again, I don't know. He's so hard to read from day to day. I wish he could just look in my eyes and see... see my thoughts... see my heart. I wish for one second he could be the guy who heard me.

We'll see what happens Sunday. I don't know if I'm spending the night or coming back to my parents. Right now it's looking favorable that I leave after we take care of the details. I'd kind of like to stay one final night in the house I spent over two years in. It's hard to just walk away from a house that I loved. We'll see.

Anyway, back to the book. If anyone's interested, I could really use opinions as I go along. Sometimes my thought pattern doesn't make sense on paper. Heh.

I'm doing better... slowly, day by day. God is good.