Part six will have to wait. Tonight I'm struggling with understanding why people cheat. Whether physical, emotional or mental... cheating is cheating. Infidelity, no matter how small, is wrong. I had suspicions that I never dared voice for fear of Paul's wrath. He didn't take kindly to being called a liar or a cheat. Turns out he was both.
I heard from a guy who worked for us that the wife of a former employee was spending a lot of time with Paul. I tried to overlook it. After all, he was working so many hours and didn't have ten minutes for me, how could he make time for someone else? He was spending a lot of time at the gas station where she worked, but he said he was there with his friend Josh because Josh was interested in a girl who worked there, too.
There were so many warning signs and I ignored all of them because of something Paul had told me early in our relationship. He had said that he'd been cheated on and he would never put someone through the pain he knew cheating caused. I believed him. I had no reason not to. So when I started hearing that he was having an inappropriate relationship with this girl and it was coming from several people who had no connection to each other, I asked Paul what was going on. I didn't accuse, I merely asked. He went ballistic. He said that she was his friend and I had better just deal with it because he was going to be friends with whomever he wanted and I was NOT going to dictate to him who he could talk to.
This should have been a big enough red flag. Seeing that he spent an hour or so a day talking to her on the phone should have been a bigger flag, but so much of me wanted to believe he just wasn't capable of actually cheating. The night I asked him not to talk to her anymore, he said he was completely through with our marriage... that up until then he was willing to try to make it work... to get counseling and whatnot, but if I couldn't trust him enough to believe him when he said nothing was going on... then we were doomed.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. He was essentially choosing this girl over his own freaking wife and then blaming me for it! I was furious and hurt and a hundred other emotions. I started packing my things. I had to get out. I couldn't breathe. That night he came home because he knew I was falling apart. He held me and rocked me and tried to make love to me, but I was crying so hard, I couldn't do anything but shake. The following day he helped me move my things from the house to my parents. He acted perfectly calm.
It took both of our vehicles (twice) and both my parents vehicles (once) to get everything moved. I went back to the house to grab a few final things and he went in to take a shower. Quietly I snuck into the bathroom and took his cell phone... the phone I was never allowed to touch, ask for or see. I went through his text messages and they were mostly from the girl... telling him that she loved him and couldn't wait to see him. His messages to her told her that he loved her, too. That things had moved quickly, but she had stolen his heart. The entire time he was helping me move, he was sending her messages. "Just one more box, babe and she's out of my life for good!" And then I looked at the pictures. There was one of him and her together... one of her with one of her kids. One of his hand with a woman's ring on it.
I slammed the shower door open and said, "What the hell is this, Paul?! Nothing is going on and you're telling her you love her?! What the hell is this?!" He looked cold and empty and said, "They're just words. They don't mean anything." I turned around and ran from the room, ran out the front door and drove away. I was shaking so hard I have no idea how I ended up where I did. I called her from his phone and she texted to text her. I tried texting everyone in phone book, telling them he was a lying, cheating bastard. He kept calling my phone, demanding that I bring his phone back. I refused. His friend, Josh called and I told him the whole thing and he was stunned.
I don't know who all I called and what all I said. At some point he had his phone disconnected so I couldn't call or text anyone from it. He kept calling my phone from the house phone and demanded to know where I was. I told him if he wanted his phone he could come and get it. I erased all of his contacts and very nearly snapped his phone in half. He got there in lightening speed and I threw the phone out of the window. He got out of the truck and I got out of the van and I walked up to him. "How could you do this?!" I screamed with tears running hot down my cheeks.
"I didn't do anything!" He shouted. Rage boiled up inside me and I slapped him hard across the face. "Bitch, if you lay one more fucking finger on me, I'll call the cops!" he shouted. "Call them!" I screamed. What else I said, I don't remember. He got in the truck and sped off. That night, he went to a Colts game with her, her husband and God knows who else. In his messages to her, he had written that he hoped her husband went to the bathroom so he could kiss her.
I went back to my parents house and I lost it. I cried myself to sleep that night. And many nights since. I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't understand. I talked to Paul a few times after this... but nothing he said made any sense. It was all lies. It was all complete and total lies.
Tuesday we went to his cousin's house to take him some money for a check Paul had written him. On the way there, Paul said he was going to tell me something that I wasn't going to believe. He tried to tell me that it had all been a set up. That I had mentioned in the past that it would be easier for me to handle his sudden shift if there were another woman and that everyone was in on it. I asked him if I looked stupid? He said, "I'm not wasting my breath. I knew you wouldn't believe me." Of course I didn't believe him!
Later, after I dropped him off, he hugged me... and I started crying. I wish with all my might that for just two seconds he could understand how badly he hurt me. I wish I could snap that stupid whore's neck and cut Paul's testicles off. He said he never slept with her and that much I believe. He said he had never even kissed her... and I don't know about that. He said it wasn't an affair, but he's full of crap. In his mind, he knows exactly what he did and he knows exactly what it was. He's ashamed to admit that he CHEATED ON HIS WIFE!
Last night he finally admitted to "having feelings for another woman". Said he'd fallen out of love with me and that he didn't want to be tied down anymore. He said he wanted freedom. I guess you can't get more free than to screw over your wife in every possible way, get her out of the picture and then mess around with a woman you can't actually be with because she's already married. You can't really get more free than that, can you?
The anger, betrayal and complete devastation that I feel is unreal. Some nights, it's all I can do not to take an entire bottle of sleeping pills and pray that I don't burn in hell forever for taking my own life. There are days when I realize that I'll come out stronger in the end and that my life will count for something and his will not because right now he's a worthless, heartless, selfish, miserable excuse for a human being. There are days when I dream about finding a real love... with someone who cherishes me and would NEVER do this to me. But right now... right now I just hurt so badly that I can't breathe.
I want the husband back that I lost long before all of this happened. I want my home back. I want my job back. I want my security and identity back. I lost everything when he did the things he did. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't face anyone. My heart hurts so badly... that I just don't want to exist. He will NEVER understand. He always accused me of having poor self-esteem... but looking back... how could I not have? I had a man who said he loved me in one breath and berated me in the next. He neglected me, chose everything in the world over me and treated me like crap for over a year! I held on because I loved him... because I remembered the man he used to be...
And now I'm standing here with nothing. Everything I cherished is suddenly gone. He seems to think he's walking away from this completely free of all cares and burdens. One minute he says he wants to be my friend and then wonders why in the hell I can't fathom ever wanting to have anything to do with him again. YES, I am torn in the belief that marriage is for LIFE and that maybe by some miracle God can use this for good. But does that mean that I keep letting him treat me like trash and lie to me?
Up until Sunday... I was willing to do anything to keep him. I was willing to do whatever it took. Sunday, he raped me of my faith in love. He robbed me of hope that love conquers all. He beat me to a bloody pulp and left me to die, not caring one bit or thinking for a second about the consequences of his actions. They didn't really affect him. He was getting what he said he wanted: Freedom. I was just a casualty of his selfishness.
How can someone cheat on their spouse? I don't understand it. I don't understand how you can justify to yourself that it's okay to spit in the face of the one person in the world who loves you above all others. I cry so hard I can barely breathe and yet... no answers come. I feel God leading me in a direction that I don't understand. Why on earth would God be calling for me to forgive this horrible man?! Doesn't that mean that he does, indeed, get off without any kind of consequence? Why would God be calling for me to pray for the soul of the man who broke my heart? Why would He ask me to pray, even to this very moment, that everything gets turned around?
My head despises this man... my head HATES this man to the core. And yet I hear this still small voice... telling me to keep going until He tells me to stop. Why put myself through this? Why is God letting this happen? Why is He asking me to sacrifice myself again for this man? The man who cares nothing for me at all... who would sooner watch me perish than help me.
I'm at a loss tonight. A complete and total loss.
I heard from a guy who worked for us that the wife of a former employee was spending a lot of time with Paul. I tried to overlook it. After all, he was working so many hours and didn't have ten minutes for me, how could he make time for someone else? He was spending a lot of time at the gas station where she worked, but he said he was there with his friend Josh because Josh was interested in a girl who worked there, too.
There were so many warning signs and I ignored all of them because of something Paul had told me early in our relationship. He had said that he'd been cheated on and he would never put someone through the pain he knew cheating caused. I believed him. I had no reason not to. So when I started hearing that he was having an inappropriate relationship with this girl and it was coming from several people who had no connection to each other, I asked Paul what was going on. I didn't accuse, I merely asked. He went ballistic. He said that she was his friend and I had better just deal with it because he was going to be friends with whomever he wanted and I was NOT going to dictate to him who he could talk to.
This should have been a big enough red flag. Seeing that he spent an hour or so a day talking to her on the phone should have been a bigger flag, but so much of me wanted to believe he just wasn't capable of actually cheating. The night I asked him not to talk to her anymore, he said he was completely through with our marriage... that up until then he was willing to try to make it work... to get counseling and whatnot, but if I couldn't trust him enough to believe him when he said nothing was going on... then we were doomed.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. He was essentially choosing this girl over his own freaking wife and then blaming me for it! I was furious and hurt and a hundred other emotions. I started packing my things. I had to get out. I couldn't breathe. That night he came home because he knew I was falling apart. He held me and rocked me and tried to make love to me, but I was crying so hard, I couldn't do anything but shake. The following day he helped me move my things from the house to my parents. He acted perfectly calm.
It took both of our vehicles (twice) and both my parents vehicles (once) to get everything moved. I went back to the house to grab a few final things and he went in to take a shower. Quietly I snuck into the bathroom and took his cell phone... the phone I was never allowed to touch, ask for or see. I went through his text messages and they were mostly from the girl... telling him that she loved him and couldn't wait to see him. His messages to her told her that he loved her, too. That things had moved quickly, but she had stolen his heart. The entire time he was helping me move, he was sending her messages. "Just one more box, babe and she's out of my life for good!" And then I looked at the pictures. There was one of him and her together... one of her with one of her kids. One of his hand with a woman's ring on it.
I slammed the shower door open and said, "What the hell is this, Paul?! Nothing is going on and you're telling her you love her?! What the hell is this?!" He looked cold and empty and said, "They're just words. They don't mean anything." I turned around and ran from the room, ran out the front door and drove away. I was shaking so hard I have no idea how I ended up where I did. I called her from his phone and she texted to text her. I tried texting everyone in phone book, telling them he was a lying, cheating bastard. He kept calling my phone, demanding that I bring his phone back. I refused. His friend, Josh called and I told him the whole thing and he was stunned.
I don't know who all I called and what all I said. At some point he had his phone disconnected so I couldn't call or text anyone from it. He kept calling my phone from the house phone and demanded to know where I was. I told him if he wanted his phone he could come and get it. I erased all of his contacts and very nearly snapped his phone in half. He got there in lightening speed and I threw the phone out of the window. He got out of the truck and I got out of the van and I walked up to him. "How could you do this?!" I screamed with tears running hot down my cheeks.
"I didn't do anything!" He shouted. Rage boiled up inside me and I slapped him hard across the face. "Bitch, if you lay one more fucking finger on me, I'll call the cops!" he shouted. "Call them!" I screamed. What else I said, I don't remember. He got in the truck and sped off. That night, he went to a Colts game with her, her husband and God knows who else. In his messages to her, he had written that he hoped her husband went to the bathroom so he could kiss her.
I went back to my parents house and I lost it. I cried myself to sleep that night. And many nights since. I couldn't make sense of it. I didn't understand. I talked to Paul a few times after this... but nothing he said made any sense. It was all lies. It was all complete and total lies.
Tuesday we went to his cousin's house to take him some money for a check Paul had written him. On the way there, Paul said he was going to tell me something that I wasn't going to believe. He tried to tell me that it had all been a set up. That I had mentioned in the past that it would be easier for me to handle his sudden shift if there were another woman and that everyone was in on it. I asked him if I looked stupid? He said, "I'm not wasting my breath. I knew you wouldn't believe me." Of course I didn't believe him!
Later, after I dropped him off, he hugged me... and I started crying. I wish with all my might that for just two seconds he could understand how badly he hurt me. I wish I could snap that stupid whore's neck and cut Paul's testicles off. He said he never slept with her and that much I believe. He said he had never even kissed her... and I don't know about that. He said it wasn't an affair, but he's full of crap. In his mind, he knows exactly what he did and he knows exactly what it was. He's ashamed to admit that he CHEATED ON HIS WIFE!
Last night he finally admitted to "having feelings for another woman". Said he'd fallen out of love with me and that he didn't want to be tied down anymore. He said he wanted freedom. I guess you can't get more free than to screw over your wife in every possible way, get her out of the picture and then mess around with a woman you can't actually be with because she's already married. You can't really get more free than that, can you?
The anger, betrayal and complete devastation that I feel is unreal. Some nights, it's all I can do not to take an entire bottle of sleeping pills and pray that I don't burn in hell forever for taking my own life. There are days when I realize that I'll come out stronger in the end and that my life will count for something and his will not because right now he's a worthless, heartless, selfish, miserable excuse for a human being. There are days when I dream about finding a real love... with someone who cherishes me and would NEVER do this to me. But right now... right now I just hurt so badly that I can't breathe.
I want the husband back that I lost long before all of this happened. I want my home back. I want my job back. I want my security and identity back. I lost everything when he did the things he did. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't face anyone. My heart hurts so badly... that I just don't want to exist. He will NEVER understand. He always accused me of having poor self-esteem... but looking back... how could I not have? I had a man who said he loved me in one breath and berated me in the next. He neglected me, chose everything in the world over me and treated me like crap for over a year! I held on because I loved him... because I remembered the man he used to be...
And now I'm standing here with nothing. Everything I cherished is suddenly gone. He seems to think he's walking away from this completely free of all cares and burdens. One minute he says he wants to be my friend and then wonders why in the hell I can't fathom ever wanting to have anything to do with him again. YES, I am torn in the belief that marriage is for LIFE and that maybe by some miracle God can use this for good. But does that mean that I keep letting him treat me like trash and lie to me?
Up until Sunday... I was willing to do anything to keep him. I was willing to do whatever it took. Sunday, he raped me of my faith in love. He robbed me of hope that love conquers all. He beat me to a bloody pulp and left me to die, not caring one bit or thinking for a second about the consequences of his actions. They didn't really affect him. He was getting what he said he wanted: Freedom. I was just a casualty of his selfishness.
How can someone cheat on their spouse? I don't understand it. I don't understand how you can justify to yourself that it's okay to spit in the face of the one person in the world who loves you above all others. I cry so hard I can barely breathe and yet... no answers come. I feel God leading me in a direction that I don't understand. Why on earth would God be calling for me to forgive this horrible man?! Doesn't that mean that he does, indeed, get off without any kind of consequence? Why would God be calling for me to pray for the soul of the man who broke my heart? Why would He ask me to pray, even to this very moment, that everything gets turned around?
My head despises this man... my head HATES this man to the core. And yet I hear this still small voice... telling me to keep going until He tells me to stop. Why put myself through this? Why is God letting this happen? Why is He asking me to sacrifice myself again for this man? The man who cares nothing for me at all... who would sooner watch me perish than help me.
I'm at a loss tonight. A complete and total loss.
I don't have any answers as to why God tells us to do what He tells us to do, other than He knows better than we do. If God is telling you to pray for Paul and that things get turned around, then that's just what you have to do.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've learned, God's timing is ALWAYS perfect. I don't know why I keep having this thought in regards to you and your situation, but I do. I just wanted to share that with you, because it is what I feel He wants me to do.
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment and for your prayer. I was asked what I meant by the "turned around" comment... and basically what I meant was that I pray for his LIFE to be turned around. I realize that he does not wish to continue his life with me and I have no choice but to accept it. I believe marriage is for life... and that it is God's plan for marriages to be successful... but there is a lot of room for human error.
God's timing is perfect and someday I'll understand why all of this happened. I ask God for answers now... because my heart wants to make sense of it all... but God tells me to wait. To take the time necessary to get through the pain and maybe then I'll have answers.
Anyway... thank you. I sincerely appreciate it.