If you had asked me on October 29th where I rated my marriage, I probably would have given it a 7 out of 10. I knew there was a lot of work that needed to be done, but I also knew that I was still crazy about the man I married. My knees still got weak when he kissed me. When the phone rang, I hoped it was him... I was still mad about him. We had grown apart quite a bit over the six months prior, but I was sure we were still in love. I had no idea about all the gambling and the inappropriate relationships he had formed. My head was in the clouds.
There's no real date I could give you to tell you when my marriage fell apart. For Paul it's possible that September 15th, the date we married was the beginning of the end for him. Or maybe it's a few months later when work got overwhelming and he realized there wasn't enough money to finish the house. I really don't know. Don't get me wrong, there were moments that I was positive I wanted out. When I found out about the checks shortly after we got married, I was terrified that he was on a downward spiral. When he set up a Myspace account to talk to a girl he used to know, I was going to kick his no-good tail to the curb. But I couldn't. I loved him. I loved him more than I wanted out.
I wasn't sure why he wanted to separate, but I was willing to let him have space if that's what he wanted. He spent the night at the shop on the Friday night and I spoke with him before he went to bed. I was sure he'd be back and we'd be okay. The following morning he sent me a message: "Last night I missed you very much. Did some thinking, scary I know. I just want you to know things are going to be okay and different when I come home. Love you so much." That afternoon, he did a total 180 and wasn't sure he EVER wanted to come back. I don't know what happened.
It all went to hell from there. One minute he was okay and he'd come home and make passionate love to me and then he'd want to leave again. My head was spinning. At one point he was screaming into the phone, "Fuck you! Go to hell! Have a nice life!" and the next I was getting a text message begging to come home to make love to me one last time. There were several moments that the police were called. Every time he threatened me and every time the police told him to back off. It was just a complete and total circus.
The Saturday before I fully moved out, I cried so hard, I thought I was going to die. He stayed with me all night and held me. He tried to make love to me, but I just couldn't stop crying. He will never know the extent to which he broke my heart. The betrayal... the lies... I think about the possibility of ever having a relationship again and I worry... will I blame the next man for the sins of my first husband? Will I be too afraid to let him in? Will I ever be able to totally trust him?
That Sunday when he helped me move... he was all sweet as pie as he texted his whore and told her just one more box... just one more trip and she's gone! Part of me wants to hate him. To cause him the kind of pain he's caused me. But what good would that bring? If I wanted to see him suffer, I wouldn't have helped him when he stole money from a client who was going to have him beaten within an inch of his life. Even now... I want to hug him and slap him at the same time.
If he came to me tomorrow and said, "Honey, I was so wrong and I'm so sorry. Please take me back." It would be the hardest decision I've ever had to make... but I know I'd have to walk away. No one deserves to be treated like they're nothing--and that's how he treated me. No one deserves to be lied to and cheated on...
I've talked about wanting closure... wanting one last night with him. There's something inside me that needs to say goodbye and know that it's real. I've lost so many people in my life and didn't get a chance to have that last memory with them. As much as Paul's hurt me and broken my heart... I still want that last moment with him. I want to be able to look back and not regret having not had that last chance to say goodbye.
Life's too short for regrets. I don't regret meeting him... or marrying him... or choosing to love him with all my heart. I wish to God he'd have made different choices and hadn't taken this path... but that, that is on him. I loved hard... I gave everything I had. He didn't deserve me and someday I'll meet a good man who loves me the way Paul was supposed to love me. I'll be happy and I won't worry that the man I've given my heart to will betray me or break my heart.
I'm gonna be okay... someday.
There's no real date I could give you to tell you when my marriage fell apart. For Paul it's possible that September 15th, the date we married was the beginning of the end for him. Or maybe it's a few months later when work got overwhelming and he realized there wasn't enough money to finish the house. I really don't know. Don't get me wrong, there were moments that I was positive I wanted out. When I found out about the checks shortly after we got married, I was terrified that he was on a downward spiral. When he set up a Myspace account to talk to a girl he used to know, I was going to kick his no-good tail to the curb. But I couldn't. I loved him. I loved him more than I wanted out.
I wasn't sure why he wanted to separate, but I was willing to let him have space if that's what he wanted. He spent the night at the shop on the Friday night and I spoke with him before he went to bed. I was sure he'd be back and we'd be okay. The following morning he sent me a message: "Last night I missed you very much. Did some thinking, scary I know. I just want you to know things are going to be okay and different when I come home. Love you so much." That afternoon, he did a total 180 and wasn't sure he EVER wanted to come back. I don't know what happened.
It all went to hell from there. One minute he was okay and he'd come home and make passionate love to me and then he'd want to leave again. My head was spinning. At one point he was screaming into the phone, "Fuck you! Go to hell! Have a nice life!" and the next I was getting a text message begging to come home to make love to me one last time. There were several moments that the police were called. Every time he threatened me and every time the police told him to back off. It was just a complete and total circus.
The Saturday before I fully moved out, I cried so hard, I thought I was going to die. He stayed with me all night and held me. He tried to make love to me, but I just couldn't stop crying. He will never know the extent to which he broke my heart. The betrayal... the lies... I think about the possibility of ever having a relationship again and I worry... will I blame the next man for the sins of my first husband? Will I be too afraid to let him in? Will I ever be able to totally trust him?
That Sunday when he helped me move... he was all sweet as pie as he texted his whore and told her just one more box... just one more trip and she's gone! Part of me wants to hate him. To cause him the kind of pain he's caused me. But what good would that bring? If I wanted to see him suffer, I wouldn't have helped him when he stole money from a client who was going to have him beaten within an inch of his life. Even now... I want to hug him and slap him at the same time.
If he came to me tomorrow and said, "Honey, I was so wrong and I'm so sorry. Please take me back." It would be the hardest decision I've ever had to make... but I know I'd have to walk away. No one deserves to be treated like they're nothing--and that's how he treated me. No one deserves to be lied to and cheated on...
I've talked about wanting closure... wanting one last night with him. There's something inside me that needs to say goodbye and know that it's real. I've lost so many people in my life and didn't get a chance to have that last memory with them. As much as Paul's hurt me and broken my heart... I still want that last moment with him. I want to be able to look back and not regret having not had that last chance to say goodbye.
Life's too short for regrets. I don't regret meeting him... or marrying him... or choosing to love him with all my heart. I wish to God he'd have made different choices and hadn't taken this path... but that, that is on him. I loved hard... I gave everything I had. He didn't deserve me and someday I'll meet a good man who loves me the way Paul was supposed to love me. I'll be happy and I won't worry that the man I've given my heart to will betray me or break my heart.
I'm gonna be okay... someday.
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