You know, it's funny... tonight didn't quite go the way I thought it would. Honestly, last week when we planned it, I thought I'd end up in a puddle of tears. There was a part of me that wanted Paul to snap to his senses and realize what he's done and apologize and really mean it.
Up until last night... I think I still wanted that. When the light bulb went off, I didn't want the man to touch me. I wasn't interested in his apology. I wasn't interested in him about anything. All I want from him is for him to fulfill his obligations. To stop being a dick to me and to help me with taxes.
When I went there tonight, I knew what I wanted. I lost my temper a few times, but I prayed before I got there. I prayed that God would open my eyes and ears and that He would allow me to stay strong. It's not that I didn't want him to see how much he's hurt me... he knows that he's hurt me. The point was to make it clear to him that I will not allow him to hurt me again. His time of control... his time of terrorizing me is over.
The man I sat across from was empty. I looked into eyes that were once sparkly and bright and they were dim. I sat and told him exactly how I saw it and he didn't listen to any of it. Someday, his daughter will find a man just like him... and Paul will want to kill that boy for screwing with his daughter's heart... for taking advantage of her and hurting her. But what Paul has to realize is that she's going to find someone like that... because of HIM. He has taught her that it's okay to use people. That it's okay to screw someone over to serve yourself. That it's okay to be married to someone and sleep with someone else.
The whole thing is just sad. It was so needless. I wish that when I met him, I'd have had the chance to get to know the truth about him from someone other than him. His version of the truth is quite different than that of anybody else. He thinks if he tells the same story over and over again, that it makes it true. His crazy ex-wife does the same thing. She'd accuse Paul of doing something that never happened and then be dumb enough to bring it up in court and actually believe it was true, just because she decided it was.
Oh, man. They deserved each other. Two crazy people who can't tell the truth! Ha!
I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to get the show on the road and get the financial crap taken care of. I'm ready to find a temporary job in Indiana and save up about $2,500 and then move. I hope to get a job as a nanny soon. I'm excited to see what's out there. To meet new people.
I'm excited to find the man I was supposed to marry... and fall in love. Yes, it's going to take time. Sadly, it's going to take me a long time to trust someone enough to give them my heart... but I figure in the next couple of years... I'll get there. And then things will be the way they were supposed to all along. I'll have a real man who doesn't lie... who doesn't gamble or steal... who DOES NOT CHEAT!
Paul will be a distant memory. Even now, he already feels like someone I knew a very long time ago. The guy I'm having to deal with is just a poor man's version.
And Paul, if you're reading this... on the day that you figure out that you made a huge mistake and that you're sorry... do me a favor and don't look me up. Once things are done and the taxes are filed and the divorce is final... I never want to see you again. Ever. Not in a few months. Not in a few years. Whether you genuinely change your life or not--I. Am. Done. I wish you well. I pray for your children. I pray for your soul. But I never want to see you again.
I find peace tonight in a Bible verse... paraphrased from Revelations 3:7-8 Paul, put this one in your memory. It'll make sense to you one day.
"What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied My name."
Up until last night... I think I still wanted that. When the light bulb went off, I didn't want the man to touch me. I wasn't interested in his apology. I wasn't interested in him about anything. All I want from him is for him to fulfill his obligations. To stop being a dick to me and to help me with taxes.
When I went there tonight, I knew what I wanted. I lost my temper a few times, but I prayed before I got there. I prayed that God would open my eyes and ears and that He would allow me to stay strong. It's not that I didn't want him to see how much he's hurt me... he knows that he's hurt me. The point was to make it clear to him that I will not allow him to hurt me again. His time of control... his time of terrorizing me is over.
The man I sat across from was empty. I looked into eyes that were once sparkly and bright and they were dim. I sat and told him exactly how I saw it and he didn't listen to any of it. Someday, his daughter will find a man just like him... and Paul will want to kill that boy for screwing with his daughter's heart... for taking advantage of her and hurting her. But what Paul has to realize is that she's going to find someone like that... because of HIM. He has taught her that it's okay to use people. That it's okay to screw someone over to serve yourself. That it's okay to be married to someone and sleep with someone else.
The whole thing is just sad. It was so needless. I wish that when I met him, I'd have had the chance to get to know the truth about him from someone other than him. His version of the truth is quite different than that of anybody else. He thinks if he tells the same story over and over again, that it makes it true. His crazy ex-wife does the same thing. She'd accuse Paul of doing something that never happened and then be dumb enough to bring it up in court and actually believe it was true, just because she decided it was.
Oh, man. They deserved each other. Two crazy people who can't tell the truth! Ha!
I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to get the show on the road and get the financial crap taken care of. I'm ready to find a temporary job in Indiana and save up about $2,500 and then move. I hope to get a job as a nanny soon. I'm excited to see what's out there. To meet new people.
I'm excited to find the man I was supposed to marry... and fall in love. Yes, it's going to take time. Sadly, it's going to take me a long time to trust someone enough to give them my heart... but I figure in the next couple of years... I'll get there. And then things will be the way they were supposed to all along. I'll have a real man who doesn't lie... who doesn't gamble or steal... who DOES NOT CHEAT!
Paul will be a distant memory. Even now, he already feels like someone I knew a very long time ago. The guy I'm having to deal with is just a poor man's version.
And Paul, if you're reading this... on the day that you figure out that you made a huge mistake and that you're sorry... do me a favor and don't look me up. Once things are done and the taxes are filed and the divorce is final... I never want to see you again. Ever. Not in a few months. Not in a few years. Whether you genuinely change your life or not--I. Am. Done. I wish you well. I pray for your children. I pray for your soul. But I never want to see you again.
I find peace tonight in a Bible verse... paraphrased from Revelations 3:7-8 Paul, put this one in your memory. It'll make sense to you one day.
"What He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied My name."
I'm really proud of you, Shannon. I'm happy that you're in the palm of His hand and relying on Him, not letting this situation get the better of you or steal your joy. Way to hang on :)
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