Typing a little slower tonight. I was carrying a huge box from one room to another and smashed my finger into the top post of the staircase. After icing it for 30 minutes, it's still swollen and tender. It'll be a few days before I'm ready to fully extend it. Ouch!
Last week, Paul was all about "being friends" and was actually bearable. Somehow something in him has shifted and he's turned into a cold, vindictive, hateful jerk. He's rude, defensive and acts like I'm the one who has wronged HIM. It's frustrating. I try to be nice... to make things as tolerable as possible in this sucky situation and he's making it impossible. He goes as far as to tell me that he's "very happy now" that I'm not part of his life. No offense, dude, but you haven't exactly been a peach to live with. The difference is I took marriage seriously and wasn't going to throw it away just because you were a pain sometimes.
I've been trying to stay in communication because there are several things we have to work out TOGETHER. Why he suddenly can't stand the sight of me, I don't understand. Every time he's a jerk, I want to tell him where to shove it, go throw all his crap in the front yard of the house and change the locks. Do I do it? No. Because I'm trying to keep things civil. Yes, I struggle now and then... but good God, considering all the crap he pulled, I'd say I'm doing pretty good and he's got off easy.
I don't have to sign the house over to him. I don't have to take him his crap when I come across some of it in the boxes I brought over. I didn't have to help him keep from getting his butt kicked by an angry customer or play mediator between him and a current customer who is extremely pissed at him. I just don't want to see anything bad happen to him... whether he's screwed me over or not... I don't want harm to come to him.
In less than a week, I went from having a husband, a partner and best friend to having this guy... who treats me like a disease and makes everything 100% harder than it needs to be. I don't want him back... I just want to get through this. Sometimes I need his help and he's just not there. He read the post about the pregnancy test. I took another one after talking to him and it was positive, too. I can't get into my doctor until the middle of December. I'm just hoping beyond hope that the next test I take is negative. I talked with Paul and I couldn't stop crying. The fear overwhelmed me. I can't raise a baby alone. But I can't raise a baby with Paul, either. It's just such a mess.
He doesn't understand my need to say goodbye... for closure. I've lost a lot of people in my life without the chance to truly say goodbye... I don't want to miss my chance to say goodbye to the man I dedicated my entire life to for over two years. I know it doesn't make sense to him. He's pretty adamant that he's not going to give in. It seems more like a power struggle than anything. I can't force him... just like I couldn't force him to be faithful or to tell me the truth all the time.
I don't know. I just wish it were easier. I wish he could suck it up and be nice to me and realize that I've left him in God's hands. I pray for his salvation... not for reconciliation. Our marriage is over. I deserve to be treated so much better than he did. But for now... I need a little kindness. I need to know that he's going to help me through this until he's no longer legally forced to have anything to do with me. Past that... I plan on moving far away and he won't have to hear from me again.
I'm not excited for the holiday's like I was before. Last month I was excited about putting up the tree and seeing my new nephew at Thanksgiving at the in-law's house. I was excited about the presents I'd bought him and looking forward to getting presents for our families. I was looking forward to him FINALLY kissing me at midnight on New Years. Now... the holiday's don't seem to hold much joy. There's not a lot of money for Christmas presents and I dread having to see my family and have them ask me what happened with Paul. I want to hide. I want to avoid everyone.
I don't know. It's going to get easier. If someone could slip him a happy pill and make him a little easier to deal with, I'd be forever indebted. *sigh*
Paul, I know you're reading this... just be my friend. Please? There's a lot of things going on that I need your cooperation with. Please cool out... until everything is settled. I don't need the extra stress. I'm not trying to make things complicated. I just want to get through this so I can move on with my life. Help me. Please.
Last week, Paul was all about "being friends" and was actually bearable. Somehow something in him has shifted and he's turned into a cold, vindictive, hateful jerk. He's rude, defensive and acts like I'm the one who has wronged HIM. It's frustrating. I try to be nice... to make things as tolerable as possible in this sucky situation and he's making it impossible. He goes as far as to tell me that he's "very happy now" that I'm not part of his life. No offense, dude, but you haven't exactly been a peach to live with. The difference is I took marriage seriously and wasn't going to throw it away just because you were a pain sometimes.
I've been trying to stay in communication because there are several things we have to work out TOGETHER. Why he suddenly can't stand the sight of me, I don't understand. Every time he's a jerk, I want to tell him where to shove it, go throw all his crap in the front yard of the house and change the locks. Do I do it? No. Because I'm trying to keep things civil. Yes, I struggle now and then... but good God, considering all the crap he pulled, I'd say I'm doing pretty good and he's got off easy.
I don't have to sign the house over to him. I don't have to take him his crap when I come across some of it in the boxes I brought over. I didn't have to help him keep from getting his butt kicked by an angry customer or play mediator between him and a current customer who is extremely pissed at him. I just don't want to see anything bad happen to him... whether he's screwed me over or not... I don't want harm to come to him.
In less than a week, I went from having a husband, a partner and best friend to having this guy... who treats me like a disease and makes everything 100% harder than it needs to be. I don't want him back... I just want to get through this. Sometimes I need his help and he's just not there. He read the post about the pregnancy test. I took another one after talking to him and it was positive, too. I can't get into my doctor until the middle of December. I'm just hoping beyond hope that the next test I take is negative. I talked with Paul and I couldn't stop crying. The fear overwhelmed me. I can't raise a baby alone. But I can't raise a baby with Paul, either. It's just such a mess.
He doesn't understand my need to say goodbye... for closure. I've lost a lot of people in my life without the chance to truly say goodbye... I don't want to miss my chance to say goodbye to the man I dedicated my entire life to for over two years. I know it doesn't make sense to him. He's pretty adamant that he's not going to give in. It seems more like a power struggle than anything. I can't force him... just like I couldn't force him to be faithful or to tell me the truth all the time.
I don't know. I just wish it were easier. I wish he could suck it up and be nice to me and realize that I've left him in God's hands. I pray for his salvation... not for reconciliation. Our marriage is over. I deserve to be treated so much better than he did. But for now... I need a little kindness. I need to know that he's going to help me through this until he's no longer legally forced to have anything to do with me. Past that... I plan on moving far away and he won't have to hear from me again.
I'm not excited for the holiday's like I was before. Last month I was excited about putting up the tree and seeing my new nephew at Thanksgiving at the in-law's house. I was excited about the presents I'd bought him and looking forward to getting presents for our families. I was looking forward to him FINALLY kissing me at midnight on New Years. Now... the holiday's don't seem to hold much joy. There's not a lot of money for Christmas presents and I dread having to see my family and have them ask me what happened with Paul. I want to hide. I want to avoid everyone.
I don't know. It's going to get easier. If someone could slip him a happy pill and make him a little easier to deal with, I'd be forever indebted. *sigh*
Paul, I know you're reading this... just be my friend. Please? There's a lot of things going on that I need your cooperation with. Please cool out... until everything is settled. I don't need the extra stress. I'm not trying to make things complicated. I just want to get through this so I can move on with my life. Help me. Please.
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