Annoyed

Despite a raise and a few decent days, I fear a shake down is occurring. Unknown is if it is meant to weed out those who do a crappy job and hate being here or if it is to get rid of those who do their jobs and do them well, but cost too much money to keep. All I know for sure is that I am tired. Long days, longer nights and a growing worry in my stomach for what I know is coming quickly for the one I once loved. It is what it is, I suppose and he brought it upon himself.

Maybe it's just the dark clouds in the sky causing the dark clouds in my mind... or maybe I just should have stayed in bed this morning.

A new chapter

I've always been a girl who was very into titles. I like rules. I like margin and discipline. I make lists about making lists. I thrive on knowing what my boundaries are and who is in charge. Titles allow me to know not only who you are, but what you are. In my just less than thirty years of life, I've had a multitude of titles to describe who and what I am.

As things have evolved, I find myself drifting further and further away from the person I was and for the first time, I don't really know who I am. But I think that's okay. I'm doing really well at work and I'm starting to pick up the pieces. I'm hanging out with new people and discovering things about myself I didn't realize before now. It's finding peace in turmoil...

I recently discovered that all the overtime I've been working has its benefits. In less than five months, I have racked up more than 40 hours of paid time off. I don't quite understand the calculator they use for compiling time, but I'm glad. There is a trip to Tennessee in the works. Tennessee will also be visiting in the near future. The conversations we've had over the last few months have peeled back a layer that was previously overlooked.

Painting at the house has been a long process. The living room is finished except for the trim. The staircase has one wall and trim to finish. The upstairs hasn't been touched. I've had trouble going into my oldest step-daughter's bedroom. I just can't quite bring myself to spend any amount of time in that room. It will take time, I think.

Started peeling up the tile in the bathroom. Trying to figure out what I'd like to do as far as the walls. The tile work was poorly done and it all has to come up. I painted the vanity and I am going to do some "antique applique" or some other such nonsense. All I know is it involves Mod Podge and sandpaper. It could get messy. Heh.

I got a good deal on laminate flooring. I've got about 900 square feet of floor to cover, excluding the bathroom, laundry room, staircase and upstairs. Both bathrooms will be tiled and the laundry room will likely stay as is for now until I figure out how I want to arrange the water heater/water softener/washer/dryer. I work so much... there just isn't a whole lot of time. I'm half tempted to take off a Friday and Monday on a weekend that I'm not scheduled to work, just so I can finish painting and get some other stuff done.

Helped my friend Kevin move this weekend. Have some funny pictures to post at a later time. Watching him and his boyfriend try to hammer numbers onto a post at their new house today was hilarious. They both tried to hold the hammer like a pen. It just was NOT working. I just stood back and giggled. And let me tell you, discussing lube and accidentally being groped by a gay man is an exceedingly strange situation to find oneself in.

As for the divorce, the paperwork was supposedly sent last week. How long it takes to get everything filed, I don't know. The sheriff was out at the house the other day. Apparently Paul had a warrant for his arrest. Sheriff said he was up to his old tricks again. It's pathetic that he just keeps doing the same crap all the time. He can't be an honest, considerate, caring man to save his life. He sends me ridiculous texts thinking its going to scare me or hurt me or whatever. I just shake my head. As horrible as he's been to me, I don't actually want him to spend the rest of his life in jail/prison, but I have no doubt that he will end up there. He's a sad, broken man.

It's been a strange year thus far. So many things have happened and yet, sometimes I feel like I'm standing still with everyone buzzing all around me and I can't move my feet. I get angsty and panicky at the thought that I can't move. I know I'm taking huge steps forward in getting my life together, but it feels like everything is in slow motion.

School starts in a couple of months. I am still half-tempting changing my major. Again. Work is going great. Things with the house are slow going, but getting there. I'm just dizzy. Important meeting on Friday. An ever growing list of friends to try to spend time with. A growing list of events to fill up my calendar. Life is... busy. I don't want to take anything for granted.

I've been talking to someone. Honestly, I am so NOT ready. I don't blame men for the cruel, stupid things Paul did... but on some level, he destroyed my ability to innocently trust someone without hesitation. Those who want to be in my life have to work so hard to earn my trust... the man who is crazy to take me on is going to have to work twice as hard to win my heart.

Too many thoughts and a very tired girl equals a rambling blog about nothing. I leave you with a quote.

"There is no future, there is no past. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today."

Holy crap! A blog post!

I know, I know... I kinda fell off the face of the earth for a moment there. Life has just been really busy. Been working 45-50 hours a week and trying to work on my house. Paul handed over the keys on a Saturday and when I went in, I was surprised to find that the house wasn't completely trashed. Yes, it's dirty, but aside from him taking everything that wasn't nailed down (and several things that were), it's good to be back in my house. Joe and I are renovating. If you're a facebook friend, you've probably seen some pics.

This weekend I've been painting the bedroom. It's just about finished. I've got the bedding and all that good stuff to decorate it and make it pretty. It's gonna take a few months to get the floors put in. Getting the carpet ripped out won't take too long, but buying flooring is going to take a minute. I've decided to lay laminate in the kitchen, dining room, living room, hallway and bedroom. We're going to rip out the crappy floor Paul put in the bathroom and lay tile down, replace the shower and paint. Gonna paint the dining room and kitchen and make the house my own. I'm so excited!

Work has been going pretty well. I work crazy hours, but it's paying the bills. I enrolled at Ivy Tech for the fall to try to finish up my degree. It's gonna take about a year and a half and then I can go on to either Ball State or St. Mary of the Wood's. I have a date for my birthday. I'm moving forward and I'm doing really, really well. I haven't been this happy in a long, long time.

In other news, Paul was arrested a few weeks back. Twice, actually. All I can do is shake my head. He will end up back in prison and will waste the rest of his life. It's pathetic and sad, but he's doing it to himself. Something I've learned over the last few months is that a.) he wasn't the one and he didn't deserve me, b.) I can't save him and finally, that he is going to do what he does and it doesn't have to bother me anymore. I'm just so over it. Counting the days until the divorce is final and I'm free forever.

I just... don't feel anything for him anymore. It's strange to be five months into a separation and just be over it. There was a moment where I didn't think I'd ever get over him. Now I see him for what he is and I'm so glad to be free. His life is going downhill fast and he was taking me with him. I have a shot now to find true happiness. I am so thankful to be able to follow my dreams!

Also, I have a date for my birthday. It took a while to feel comfortable saying yes to being asked out... but I find myself being excited at the thought of meeting a good man. I'm just filled to the b brim with happiness. :)

So, that's what's been going on. Will try to blog more often. Keep an eye out for pics on facebook of the renovations!

Garth Brooks
She's Gonna Make It


He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for

After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubt

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

And you know it's not like
she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's
survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane

And the craze thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool who just won't ask

She's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will

I Keep On Loving You

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, I promise. I've been posting little snippets of the book on facebook for anyone who is on my friends list... There's been so much going on, it's hard to find time to breathe, let alone sit down and write. I work a lot and when I'm not working, I'm trying to catch up with everything else. There just aren't enough hours in the day...

Court was yesterday. Unfortunately, it was just a preliminary hearing and we will stay married for the next 90 days. Paul has to give me possession of the house by the 11th and I get to keep the truck. Not a whole lot was resolved. I spent more time talking to Paul before the hearing than the hearing actually lasted. Paul and I have actually seen each other and had civil conversations a few times in the last couple of weeks.

I don't know. I'm worried. Because of all the crap he did with the business... all the debt... I had to file bankruptcy. That covers me for the lawsuits that are currently going on, however, Paul filed bankruptcy and had it finalized about 1-2 years ago... the judge said that me filing bankruptcy does not necessarily absolve him of any financial responsibility and suggested he file bankruptcy with me. None of us said anything to the judge about Paul already having filed.

I think about all the debt that there is and the lawsuits... if he's not covered with the bankruptcy, he's looking at hundreds of thousands of dollars. Part of me thinks he had it coming. I got my heart destroyed and he got his finances destroyed. I'll get over the broken heart, but he'll be cleaning this mess up for probably the rest of his life. I want to believe that everything is going to be okay, but I don't see how it could.

We took the elevator down 3 stories to the lobby of the courthouse. I nearly took the stairs, but I didn't know where the stairs would have taken me, so I went down the elevator with him. Standing there next to him, I desperately wanted to hug him. Just for the sake of feeling comforted... I didn't do it, though. What would have been the point? I realize that any kindness he shows me at this point is a plot to keep me from "sticking it to him". What really offends me about that notion is the knowledge that he probably genuinely thinks I'd be vindictive enough to try to destroy him. He should know me better than that by now... after everything we've been through.

We sat in the empty courtroom and I told him I wished nothing bad upon him and I meant it. I'm fearful for what will happen to Paul without me there to protect him. He makes such horrible decisions. He completely lives for the moment, which can be wildly romantic and fun, but there's no long range planning... he gets himself in over his head and then desperately tries to dig himself out. Right now I think there may be no one who can help him...

I heard a song the other night on the way back from work. I had to pull over... there's a part of me that will always love Paul. I wish things could have worked out differently, but he will never be a good man until he gets his head out of his butt and stars doing the right thing. It's so frustrating to watch, because I want to do something about it, but the reality is that I tried to help him for almost 3 years and he refused. I can't save him.

To watch his world crumble around him... and know that he doesn't see it... I dunno. I'm at a total loss.

I Keep On Loving You

Reba McEntire

Love takes the patience of Job, that's what my mama always said.
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the good book says.
You gotta play the cards you got, who knows what fate is holding?
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going.

That's why I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you.
Through the, "baby don't leave me's" and "never will again's"
And 'I promise to's", I keep on lovin' you.

Lord knows we've had our share of fights, our sleepless nights our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of, "baby, I'm gone's" and turnarounds.
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel.
Someday we're gonna look back and say look at us now.

That's why I keep on lovin' you, I keep on lovin' you.
Through the, "baby don't leave me's" and "never will again's"
And 'I promise to's", I keep on lovin' you.

Keep on lovin' you, through the, "I take it back's", "I didn't mean it like that's"
"I'd never hurt you's", Oh, I keep on lovin' you.

I keep on lovin' you. I keep on lovin' you.

Sitting across the table

Sitting across the table from the boy the other night it struck me that someday I'm going to fall in love again. I admit, this little revelation brought a moment of panic. I've never been one to give my heart easily. Even Paul had to work for it.

As the days and weeks have turned into months, the love I had for Paul has faded. There will always be part of me that loves him, but as I see more and more who he really is, there is no love left in my heart. I can't love a man who does the things that he does and treats me so badly. Yes, Paul did a lot of hurtful, stupid things in our relationship, but they don't hold a candle to the depraved, heartless things he now does. Sometimes I find myself shaking my head, wondering how it all came to this.

What pains me the most is knowing that Paul is not, was not and never could be the one God designed for me to spend my life with. It's hard to say what first attracted me to Paul. There was something about him that made everything seem exciting... but it didn't last long and by the time I realized that he wasn't IT, it seemed too late to get out. I loved him with everything inside of me, but he wasn't the one.

For all the terrible, hurtful, hateful things he's done, it's been hard to forgive. Sometimes I want to shake him and make him SEE how awful he's behaving and make him realize that there is absolutely no sense to it. It's confusing to try to offer an olive branch and get venom in return. It's his way, though. That's how he's always been... he just never directed it at me. Now that he is, it's frustrating. I want to get through this crap so we can get the divorce final so that I never have to see him or think of him again.

I've been reading a lot lately. The book has been put on the back burner for a while now as I've picked up my Bible again. Every time I try to read, I find myself being pulled in the direction of passages about forgiveness. God is calling me to forgive Paul and I'm fighting it. Don't get me wrong, I realize that holding on to anger is only affecting me. It doesn't hurt Paul to know that I'm angry at him. There's got to be part of him that realizes that what he's doing is wrong... but it's not my place to point it out or force him to see it. If I'm being honest with myself, I never could convince him to choose to do the right thing. He's always done what he wanted with little concern to anyone else. I can't pretend that he's magically going to start being a good man just because I want him to be.

Forgiving him feels too much like letting him off the hook for all the grief he's caused. My head says that forgiving him frees ME and has little to do with him... but my heart isn't convinced. Forgiveness isn't for the other person... In time, Paul's sins will find him out and he will have to pay for the things he's done, not just to me... but it is not my place to designate punishment.

I spent a little time talking to the boy tonight and it prompted a few paragraphs for the book... sometimes I wonder if I'll ever finish it. There are so many layers and so many chapters yet to be written. This story isn't about Paul... I don't think I realized that until now. He makes up only a small portion of the story of my life... while his chapters are the more painful ones, he is not the beginning. Nor is he the end.

This is what I wrote this evening:

"Sitting alone in an empty church with hot tears on my cheeks, an unspoken prayer tugged at my heart. I knew what He was calling me to do, but I didn't want to do it. All I'd known for nearly three months was the grief and pain inside me. I had relived the nightmare day after day. I was scared that letting go would mean losing part of me all over again.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry and plead for understanding. Why did God let this happen? Picking up my Bible, its pages worn and yellowed, I fought to make sense of what my life had become. The young girl who had written love letters to a husband she wouldn't meet for years to come had died the night her innocence was raped from her. The bitterness and pain had chased me like a shadow, swallowing me in its darkness.

The love I'd dreamed of for so long had never arrived. The knight on his valiant steed had never come to rescue me. I'd stood in front of a man I had given my heart to... and he wasn't the one God had intended for me. I'd placed my trust in Paul expecting him to save me when he couldn't even save himself.

In that moment, I realized I had a choice to make. I could hold on to my anger or I could hold on to hope. The love God had designed me to yearn for was out there, all I had to do was open my heart to healing that came only from forgiveness. The first person I found I had to forgive... was myself."

Silver strands and conversation

I pocket dialed Stupid twice this morning while scraping my windows. HOW my phone a.) unlocked itself, b.) found HIS name and c.) dialed is beyond me. Just completely BEYOND. Had breakfast with a friend and chatted... and while we're sitting there, I noticed something shiny out of the corner of my eye on my shoulder. My hair was wavy from having been in pigtails last night after I got out of the shower...

So I grab a handful of hair and among all the strands of raven was a solitary strand of silver. My eyes got big and I yanked it the heck out. I haven't had much color in my hair since my car accident. I went a little silver for a while after that. And then a little after the rape. And then a little after the miscarriage last year, but they were always one or two... and didn't grow back. I'm blaming the stress of having been married to a man with no soul.

After breakfast, I went to get the boy and he drove me around for three hours while we talked and talked and TALKED about EVERYTHING. About what happened between us the other night, about love and exes and LIFE... I told him some things he didn't know and it felt good just to be with him again. I'd missed him...

He wants me to take the house when we go to court. I tried to explain to him that I could never live there again... most of my memories there are bad... the best times I had in that house didn't really involve Paul in the least... the house has been tainted by a disgusting man and his dirty whore. Frankly, if I moved back in, I'd have to get a roommate and I can't just live with someone... I think the boy just wants to have someone to hang out with sometimes. I don't know.

I know that right now I am exceedingly tired and there is much on my mind. The conversations put a lot of stuff in my head... and I need to decompress (and frantically search for more silver hair). :P

Goodnight, internet.